- Stay calm and don’t get defensive. That way, the passive-aggressive person can’t paint themselves as the victim.
- Ask them what their comment or behavior means to put them on the spot. That way, they’ll have to either backpedal or admit what they’re doing.
- Set clear boundaries by outlining what behavior isn’t acceptable, and check in often to see if they’re following through.
Stay calm without getting defensive.
Stay non-confrontational to avoid painting the other person as a victim. It’s easy to get defensive when you see passive-aggressive behavior, but that’s exactly what a passive-aggressive person wants. Instead, take a few deep breaths and remain calm before you respond. If you get defensive or accusatory (saying things like, “What’s that supposed to mean?”), the passive-aggressive person will likely deny any rude behavior, and then you’re back to square one. On the flip side, if you stay calm, cool, and collected, the passive-aggressive person doesn’t get the satisfaction of a reaction.
Ask them what their comment means.
Call out their behavior in the moment to draw attention to it. Want a quick fix to stop someone from being passive-aggressive? Ask them to elaborate on what they just said. This will force them to either own up to what they were doing or backpedal and apologize. Let’s say a family member says to you, “Oh, you cut your hair? What a shame, it used to look so lovely.” You might respond by asking, “Are you saying you don’t like my haircut?” Or maybe a colleague doesn’t want to speak with you, so they keep canceling your one-on-one meetings together. You might send them an email saying, “Is there a reason you’re avoiding me?”
Set clear boundaries with them.
Communicate your expectations so they can’t continue their behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior often results in annoyances like being late, avoiding responsibilities, or missing deadlines. Let this person know that while you empathize, their behavior isn’t acceptable, and set boundaries so it can’t continue in the future. “Next time you do yard work, I need you to finish it up all the way, okay? Why don’t you start by clearing up the weeds you left behind outside.” “I really need you to make an effort to be on time more often. Otherwise, it reflects poorly on our business.”
Hold them accountable.
Check in often so they know they can’t keep doing what they were doing. Even after setting firm boundaries, a passive-aggressive person might try to slide back into their previous behavior. Keep communicating with them, and ask questions if things still aren’t where they need to be. “I noticed that the yard clippings haven’t been cleaned up. Do you need help doing that, or were you going to get to it later?” “Thanks for making an effort to be more on time lately! I noticed the other day that you came in 15 minutes late to our all-hands meeting, though. Is there something I can do to help you manage your time?”
Praise their positive behavior.
Give them genuine compliments so they continue their good behavior. Passive-aggressive people often respond well to praise and validation. When you notice someone making a real effort to correct their behavior or be better, shout it out and thank them for it. “Wow, the yard looks awesome! Thanks so much for working on it all day—I bet that wasn’t easy.” “I know this meeting was an early one, so thanks so much for making an extra effort to get here on time. I really appreciate it.”
Don’t stoop down to their level.
Avoid getting passive-aggressive yourself, since it’s counter-productive. It’s tempting to say, “Well, they’re being passive-aggressive—why can’t I?” The problem is, you now have 2 people who will never confront each other directly, so the issue will just continue indefinitely. Remember, you can’t change other people, but you can change your reaction to them.
Be emotionally guarded around them.
Keep your guard up to avoid getting hurt in the future. Sometimes, a passive-aggressive person will do something nice for you, then immediately hit you with a devastating comment. If you know this person is passive-aggressive, be very wary if they start being very nice to you out of the blue. For instance, if your old Aunt Jamie all of a sudden invites you over and makes you tea, don’t take it at face-value. Prepare yourself for a snide remark or a back-handed compliment. Or, if a colleague you’ve had problems with in the past messages you out of the blue to compliment your report, brace yourself: they may try to undermine you or sabotage your next one.
Minimize your contact with this person.
Avoid the passive-aggressive person as a last resort. Sometimes, nothing works: talking to them directly, setting boundaries, or praising good behavior. If you’ve tried everything and you’re at your wit’s end, do your best to talk to this person as little as possible. If you can’t avoid them completely (maybe they work with you, or even live with you), keep your interactions brief and to the point.
Ask them to open up about what’s bothering them.
Make it clear that you’re here to listen and help them out. Oftentimes, passive-aggressive people are passive-aggressive because they’re scared of how you might react if they were to confront you. Step back from your emotions for a moment and try to reassure the other person that no matter what the problem is, you’re open to talking it out and figuring out a solution. “If there’s anything you want to chat about, I’d love to talk about it. I’ve noticed that things seem a little tense between us lately.” “Is there something you want to bring up? I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been a bit short with me the past few days.” This type of direct confrontation will work with some people, but not everyone. Some might insist that everything is fine, or that their behavior is totally normal, in which case you can use the steps below.
Decode what they need from you.
Dissect their behavior to figure out what they’re asking for. At their core, passive-aggressive people are using their behavior to try to get you to change. If they won’t open up to you directly, think about what they’re doing and see if you can figure out what they need from you. For instance, maybe your colleague keeps showing up to meetings late and disrupting your presentations. They may be upset about a comment you made to them a month ago, and they might appreciate an apology from you. Or, maybe your friend is making rude comments about your new romantic partner. Your friend might be annoyed that you’re not spending as much time with them, and they might like it if you made plans with them soon.
Empathize with them.
Validate their feelings to align yourself with them. Instead of buying into the “me vs. you” mentality that a passive-aggressive person wants you to have, use empathy to show that you’re on the same side. You can do this even if you’re upset on the inside, but it’s important to stay calm and let them know that you understand. “I get that weeding the garden is hard work. I see why you left all of the weeds in a pile by the backdoor instead of putting them into the compost.” “I understand that traffic gets bad. It’s tough to be on time every single day.”
Give them no attention.
Passive-aggressive people love to see your reaction—so don't give them one. Silent treatment is a pretty popular tactic used by passive-aggressive individuals, but it's less fun when it's thrown back in their direction. Give absolutely no reaction to how they've behaved and just go on with your day like nothing has happened. If they left your text messages on read, don't bring them up at all in your next conversation. If they refuse to strike up a conversation with you, refuse to strike up a conversation with them in return. Refusing to acknowledge or talk to someone can be a little immature, and may not be the best solution in all scenarios.
Use a little sarcasm.
A quick quip may stop a passive-aggressive person in their tracks. The next time someone makes a sarcastic, passive-aggressive comment in your direction, fire right back with some sarcasm of your own. Getting a subtle taste of their own medicine is sure to get under the person's skin. "I hope your afternoon is as lovely as you are." "I gotta say—it's impressive how easy it is for you to think before speaking." Keep in mind that sarcasm isn't the most friendly and mature approach to passive-aggressive behavior. If you're aiming to take the high road, this may not be the best option to consider.
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