Funny Roasts for Friends
Drop a lighthearted one-liner to prompt loads of laughter. If you’re looking to roast someone with love and laughter, joke about their age, appearance, or silly habits or quirks. It’s the perfect way to kill boredom and start a silly conversation over text or in person—just make sure to deliver your line with a friendly expression so your buddies know it’s all in good fun. Go fall into a bucket of slime. Your forehead looks like a lime. You built like a windshield wiper. Your face looks like a melted popsicle. You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye. You’re as useless as the “g” in “lasagna.” You deserve to be loved…from a distance. It’d be great if a shark kissed you on the neck. You’re the type of person to respond to spam emails. You’re the human equivalent of a participation award. You’re not stupid—you just have bad luck with thinking. I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying. You’re the reason why we have directions on toothpaste. I think you deserve a high five…in the face…with a chair. Every time I have a stick in my hand, you look like a pinata. You’re so ugly that when you take a bath, the water jumps out. Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you prove me wrong. Your secrets are safe with me. I never listen when you share them. Our friendship is all about balance. You start talking…I stop listening. You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die. If laziness were a competition, you’d come in second because you’d be too lazy to compete. Yo momma’s so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Best Burns for Siblings
Put your sibling in their place with a silly or savage comeback. No matter how old they are, there are tons of lines you can use to roast your brother or sister. Poke fun at their personality for a classic burn, or remind them that you’re more successful, attractive, and intelligent than they’ll ever be to reignite some friendly sibling rivalry. Just remember not to bring up their insecurities to keep things respectful. Do you exist to annoy people? If I give you a dollar, will you leave? You skipped the “being normal” gene. You’re the reason why I don’t want kids. You might be older, but you’re not wiser. I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your grades. I’m sure your friends collectively make fun of you. Congratulations on getting your PhD in annoyance. I wish I could sell you, but you don’t have any value. Let’s play a game. For the rest of the week, don’t talk to me. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day. It took Mom and Dad two tries before they had the perfect kid. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology. I get so emotional when you’re not around. It’s called happiness. Maybe you should get a life instead of being so invested in mine. The real heroes in the world are the ones who have to live with you. Don’t you ever get exhausted from talking about yourself all the time? You’re so ugly that when Mom gave birth to you, she got a fine for littering. Mom and Dad said we could be anything. I guess you chose disappointment. Funny, I just got back from the center of the universe and I didn’t see you anywhere. How does your girlfriend/boyfriend deal with you? Oh, that’s right—you don’t have one. When I see you coming, I get pre-annoyed. I figured it’s smart to prepare ahead of time. You must be so proud of yourself! How did you manage to accomplish nothing in 17 years? I’m the reason you were born, and you’re the reason Mom and Dad decided to stop having kids.
Savage Insults for Haters & Bullies
Come up with a unique comeback to catch your enemies off guard. Feeling super, super savage? Save these lines for your opps, or any occasion you need to shut down the conversation. They're guaranteed to end any argument and make the other person question their existence, so use them with extreme caution. You look like a “before” photo. I believed in evolution until I met you. Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake. If ugly was a day, you’d be an entire year. Row, row, row your boat gently down a cliff. You’re proof that God has a sense of humor. You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high. Brush your teeth before you open your mouth. Don’t you have to get a license to be that ugly? I would hit you, but that would be animal abuse. Your opinion is almost as bad as your eyebrows. Your teeth are so yellow, even the sun is jealous. If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in better shape. I’m ugly? Perfect. I was trying to look like you today. Life is full of disappointments. I just added you to the list. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there. I’d give you a dirty look, but it looks like you already have one. I’d love to insult you but it won’t be as good as what nature did. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have open heart surgery. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you. You’re the type of person to look up and down before crossing the road. I was going to make a joke about your life, but it looks like life got there first. I was going to roast you, but then I heard burning trash is an environmental hazard.
Clever Comebacks for Girls
Pull out these sharp and snappy burns to shock her into silence. Hide your kids and call emergency services—these burns are sure to leave searing marks. If a girl is getting on your nerves (or you want to tease her), cut to the chase with one of these clever comebacks. She’ll probably be too stunned to speak and remember it for the rest of the day. I bet your pH level is 7. Mid. I’ve been called worse by better. You have the perfect face for radio. Must be nice to never use your brain. You’re so fake, even Barbie is jealous. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong. I’d be nice if you used glue instead of chapstick. Don’t stand too close to the heater…Plastic melts. You better check your outfit before you come for me. It sucks that you can’t Facetune your ugly personality. Hold still…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. You bring me so much joy…when you leave the room. I forgot the whole world revolves around you. My bad! You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality. You’re not just a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family. The only way you’ll get a partner is if you go on Love is Blind. Your grades say marry rich, but your mirror says study harder. There’s someone out there for everyone. For you, that’s a therapist. I bet I could remove 99% of your attractiveness with a makeup wipe. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke. Awww. It’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand. It’s hilarious how you’re trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence. There’s a new app called “being a decent human.” You should download it for research purposes. You’re sort of like Rapunzel, but instead of letting your hair down, you let down everyone in your life.
Epic One-Liners for Guys
Bring up a guy’s weird quirks or habits for an unbeatable burn. For an unexpectedly savage burn, mention qualities he lacks or things he does that are super wacky. It’s a great strategy to flirt or get under his skin, depending on your relationship with him. Shock me. Say something intelligent. You want to hear a good joke? Your life. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you. Do you get off on making people hate you? How does it feel to get mogged all the time? If you had two brains, you’d be twice as stupid. I may love to shop, but I’m not buying your crap. I can’t tell what’s worse…Your IQ or your hairline. You look like Bob the Builder and Shrek had a baby. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me either. If you fear success, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Why play hard to get when you’re already hard to want? I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt yours? It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice. Do you work at a grocery store? Then stop checking me out. You look like someone dropped a lollipop at the barber shop. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off? You must be a magician. How did you escape the circus again? Are you always an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around? I would say you’re dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold the door open. You can be anything you want in life…other than rich, handsome, and successful. I thought you were attractive when I first saw you, but then you opened your mouth. I know your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t mean a douchebag.
Clean Insults for Kids
Drop a creative comeback to tease others in a fun and playful way. If you want to keep things kid-friendly, choose a food, object, or character, then incorporate it into your insult. Take turns exchanging insults to start an epic game, and say whatever comes to mind—the more silly and random, the better! You look like a burrito. You smell like hot dog water. You’re as fun as a wet t-shirt. Your mom looks like a Muppet. If you were a spice, you’d be flour. Your face would make an onion cry. I hope you accidentally step on a Lego. I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you. You’re as interesting as a piece of paper. You’re not the brightest crayon in the box. Your hairline looks like a McDonald’s sign. Your head is shaped like a chicken nugget. You look like you were drawn from memory. If Mr. Rogers was your neighbor, he’d move. You're a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake. You’re more disappointing than a bowl of salad. Your painting looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes. You’re the type of person to trip over a banana peel. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker. I’d rather lick the cafeteria floor than hold hands with you.
Good Roasts That Rhyme
Throw out a rhyming roast to elevate your insult game. If you want to win the title of roast master, pull out your paper and pen and start scheming. Replace the words in a common nursery rhyme, or get creative and come up with your own rhyming insult. Think of it as writing a rhyming poem and use the following options for inspiration: Hickory dickory dock, you built like a Roblox. Don’t feel bad, don’t feel blue, Ursula was ugly too. Fee-fi-fo-fum, your breath stank so chew some gum. Twinkle, twinkle little star, you’re the definition of subpar. Eenie meenie minie moe. Your face looks like my big toe. If I’m a 5, then you’re a 2. Faces like yours belong in a zoo. Twinkle, twinkle little star, I want to run you over with my car. Twinkle, twinkle little snitch. Mind your business, you nosy witch. Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you. Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought I was ugly until I met you. Roses are red, the sky is blue. I mind my own business, why don’t you? Your comebacks are a little thin, maybe they got lost in your double chin. I’m the type of person to laugh at mistakes, so sorry if I laugh at your face. Roses are red, violets are blue. I have three fingers, the third one’s for you. That dress makes you look like a beanbag. Get out of my way, you evil hag. Roses are red, violets are blue. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to punch you. Roses are red, violets are blue. The smell of rotten eggs reminds me of you. Roses are red, witches are green. Look in the mirror, you’ll see what I mean. Roses are red, violets are blue. The bottom of my laptop is still hotter than you. Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d rather be single than with someone like you. Your makeup is a work of art. If your goal was to scare, you’ve played your part! I’m trying not to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two. What do you mean people call you a dime? Those shoes you’re wearing are a serious crime.
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