18 Signs You’re in an Unhappy Marriage (And What to Do about It)

• You may be in an unhappy marriage if you don’t like spending time together or you don’t have fun together anymore.
• Your marriage may also be rocky if you daydream about life without your spouse.
• You might also be in an unhappy relationship if you turn to your friends with problems instead of your spouse.
• To repair the relationship, work through issues together and add romance back into your marriage.

Signs of an Unhappy Marriage

You’re not having as much sex anymore. It’s normal for your sex life to ebb and flow as your relationship progresses. But if sex has been a normal part of your marriage and it’s now stopped completely, it shows that your physical relationship isn’t what it used to be. There are many reasons why you or your spouse’s libido could have changed, and not all of them point toward an unhappy relationship. If this is the only concern that you’re dealing with, look into hormonal changes or mental health issues before jumping straight to relationship problems.

You don’t like spending quality time together. All of us need alone time sometimes. But when you start avoiding your spouse just so you don’t have to interact with them, it probably means something is wrong with your marriage. You might be avoiding your spouse to keep the peace, or you might be avoiding them just because you don’t like spending time with them anymore. Either way, it usually indicates some deeper issues.

You fantasize what life would be like without your spouse. Do you ever catch yourself daydreaming about what your routine might be like when you’re single? Thinking about what you can accomplish once your spouse is out of your life typically means that there are some relationship problems you might be running from. Thinking about life away from marriage can also mean that you’re just super stressed. Try relieving some stress with relaxing activities, then seeing how you feel.

You don’t fight anymore. Not fighting usually means that one or both of you won’t talk through your issues anymore. And when communication breaks down in the relationship, that typically means that it’s not a healthy dynamic anymore. Fighting fairly in a relationship is actually one of the indicators of a healthy dynamic. It means that you and your partner know how to communicate well enough to work through disagreements together.

One of you is having an emotional affair. Emotional affairs happen when you start relying on and confiding in someone other than your spouse. Typically, they don’t involve anything physical, but they can become romantic in the future. If you or your spouse is headed toward emotional affair territory, it usually indicates that one of you is unhappy. Typically, you can tell if your partner is having an emotional affair if they are confiding emotionally in another person besides you.

You confide in your friends instead of your spouse. When you two first got together, your spouse was probably your top confidant: you told them about your worries, your achievements, and your goals. If you now find yourself confiding in your close friends instead of your spouse, it probably means that your relationship has broken down a bit. For some people, it's normal to rely more on friends than on a partner. However, if you've noticed yourself going to them even more, that could be a sign that your relationship is having problems.

You don’t go out on dates anymore. Date nights are an important part of re-connecting as a couple. If you find that you and your partner just can’t make time for each other or you have no motivation to go out together, it’s likely that the relationship has lost its spark.

You prioritize other things instead of each other. We all have other things to worry about besides our spouse: your work, your kids, and your other responsibilities all need taking care of. But if you find that your spouse isn’t your priority anymore and you’re putting other things above them, it’s likely that you don’t feel happy in the marriage anymore. The same thing goes if you’re putting your friends above your partner.

You dismiss each other’s concerns. When you bring up an issue to your partner, do they listen to your concerns? Or do they brush you off, telling you that it’s “no big deal”? Minimizing issues like this defeats the purpose of these discussions, and it can lead to a breakdown in communication.

You two don’t have fun together anymore. It might sound silly, but a healthy relationship has a lot of laughter and silliness involved. If you find that interacting with your partner is kind of a chore, it’s likely that you two are not happy together. This often happens when there is a lot of unspoken resentment or grudges being held.

You feel annoyed by your spouse all the time. Everyone has pet peeves in their relationship, and yours is probably no exception. However, if you find that your partner is getting on your nerves all the time, there are likely some unresolved issues you need to address. This can also indicate that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need more alone time throughout the week.

One of you has cheated. In a monogamous relationship, staying faithful to your partner builds trust and fosters healthy boundaries. While it is possible to heal a relationship after cheating, it can also lead to resentment and relationship problems.

You only have negative interactions. Do you feel like every time you talk to your spouse, one of you is going to end up upset? Constant negativity in your interactions indicates that there are underlying issues you need to address. You might also find yourself walking on eggshells trying not to upset your partner, which is another red flag.

Your spouse doesn’t want to seek relationship help. Maybe you’ve suggested couple’s counseling, and your partner refuses to go. Or, maybe you just want to talk through your issues, and your partner won’t do it. It takes two to make a relationship work, and you probably won’t be happy with your marriage unless your partner puts in the effort to save it, too.

You two have different goals in life. It’s normal for people to change and grow as they age. But if you and your partner have different life goals, one or both of you is probably going to be unhappy. For instance, maybe you want to have kids, but your partner doesn’t. Or, you want to stay living in your current area, but your partner wants to move across the country.

You feel contempt toward your spouse. Feeling contempt means that you feel something akin to disgust and disrespect toward your spouse. Once you start feeling contempt, it’s hard to get back to a loving, nurturing place in your relationship. Contempt means doing more than just criticizing your partner: you’re actively repulsed by their actions, and you may even feel superior to them.

You constantly feel defensive around each other. Maybe an innocent comment gets taken as an attack, or a simple request is treated like an ultimatum. If you find that you’re both constantly defending yourselves against each other, you’re probably unhappy.

You feel controlled by your partner. Maybe your partner tells you who you can and can’t spend time with, or they insist on seeing your social media and internet history. This is controlling behavior, and it likely makes you feel smothered within the relationship. Controlling behavior can sometimes be a sign of an abusive relationship. If you’re in an abusive situation, make a plan to leave the relationship safely.

Saving an Unhappy Marriage

Talk to your partner about why you’re unhappy. If there are underlying issues, bring those up and make a commitment to work through them together. It may be tough at first, but this is the best way to repair your relationship and save your marriage. Come up with solid, concrete solutions that work for the both of you moving forward. “Honey, I think we should talk about how our goals aren’t aligned anymore. Let’s discuss our plans for the future so we can stop tiptoeing around each other.” “I’ve noticed it’s been a while since we’ve had sex. Do you want to talk about anything with me?” “Can we talk for a minute? I think I’ve been feeling some resentment toward you, and I want to work through that.”

Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive. Once you’ve had a chance to talk, it’s time to listen to your partner. While it can be tough to break a habit and not get defensive, practice active listening skills by rephrasing what your partner said so that you understand. Look them in the eyes and get rid of distractions to make sure you’re fully present in the moment. Say, “So what I hear you saying is…” to make sure you get what your partner is trying to convey. Remember, your goal, ultimately, is to get back to a place of understanding. So even if your partner says something that rubs you the wrong way, try to continue to listen with an open mind.

Focus on romance in your relationship. Get the spark back in your relationship by going on fun dates or taking a weekend away together. It’s easy to get bogged down in the hum-drum of daily life, so make it a point to do something romantic, just the two of you. Offer big romantic gestures. A bouquet of roses or a surprise weekend getaway can make your partner feel special, which creates room for connection. Try a new hobby together, plan a picnic, or take a cooking class together. Experts recommend doing a date night at least once a month, or more often if you can swing it.

Have fun together. A relationship doesn’t have to be totally serious! In between working to fix major issues and having deep talks, be sure to tell each other jokes and laugh together. Have fun with your partner and focus on being friends, too. To get the ball rolling, try joining your partner in one of their favorite activities, whether that means dancing, paintballing, or museum-hopping.

Visit a couple’s counselor. Marriage issues can be tough to solve on your own. If you need some outside help, make an appointment with a couple’s counselor. They can give you unbiased, third-party advice to help you work through issues and solve problems together. If you’re struggling with your relationship problems, consider visiting an individual therapist as well.

When It’s Time to End the Marriage

Your partner refuses to address any issues. Without communication, your marriage will never improve. If you’ve approached your partner and tried to work through issues but they just won’t do it, it might be time to reconsider the marriage.

The cons of the marriage outweigh the pros. Make a pros and cons list of the relationship in your mind, and see how they measure up to each other. If you’re struggling with whether or not it’s time to end the relationship, this can be a nice sanity check to see how you’re actually feeling. Most people choose to end relationships when the partnership no longer serves them. If your marriage is detracting from your life rather than adding to it (and you don’t see it ever changing), then it may be time to end things.

You are in an abusive relationship. Any type of abuse, be it physical, emotional, or sexual, means that the relationship is unhealthy. If you’re a victim of abuse, reach out to friends and family and make a plan to safely leave your partner. Or, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.