Why does life suck so much?
Negativity bias A “negativity bias” is essentially the belief that all living things (humans and animals, anyway) tend to focus on negative circumstances rather than positive ones. Even if plenty of uplifting things are happening in your life, you might not even be aware of them thanks to the unconscious bias in your mind. Let’s say a coworker criticizes you at work, while another acknowledges what a good job you’re doing. Because of a negativity bias, you’d probably leave work feeling negative (since you’d be more focused on the negative coworker’s comment). Negative thoughts in general can take a toll on your mental well-being, and make it harder to maintain a positive outlook in life. Clinical psychologist William Gardner suggests “taking a closer look at the aspects of your life that aren’t working for you. In what ways are you failing? What parts of your life aren’t great? Figuring that out can help you specify what’s wrong so you can work on that problem.”
Unrealistic comparisons Everyone compares themselves to their peers from time to time—it’s just a normal part of being human. Unfortunately, making frequent comparisons can make you overly focused on what you don’t have rather than what you do have. Breaking the cycle of self-comparison can be tough, but acknowledging it is an important first step! It can also help to ask yourself questions like “Why do I feel like I’m less successful than this individual?” or “Would I really be happier if I had the things they have?”
Daily responsibilities and burnout The daily grind of school, work, and other responsibilities can be a heavy weight to bear, especially if you have a lot on your plate. Burnout is a very real and valid issue that can leave you worn-down and pessimistic with a negative outlook on life.
Relationship or family issues Your relationships with your loved ones and significant other can be an incredibly significant part of your life and can play a big part in your emotional well-being (or lack thereof). If you and a family member or partner are going through a rough patch, it can be challenging to view your life in a positive and uplifting light.
Financial stressors The regular stresses of renting/owning a home, managing your bills, or just making ends meet can be a huge source of stress and negativity. When you feel overwhelmed by financial stressors and deadlines, it can be tough to view life positively.
Major life stressors Plenty of big life events can take a serious toll on your health and mental well-being and can make life a lot less enjoyable, like divorcing from your partner. Even circumstances with long-term benefits can be stressful in the short term and paint your day-to-day experiences in a pretty negative light. For instance, getting a new job or buying a new house ultimately improves your life for the better, but they can be incredibly stressful events to live through.
Unfortunate circumstances Big events like a death or major illness in your family can really cast a shadow over your day-to-day life and zap away the usual happiness and excitement from your routine. Speaking with a counselor, loved one, or trusted friend can be a valuable source of comfort during a difficult life circumstance.
Mental illness An undiagnosed mental illness like depression or anxiety may not be visible like a physical illness, but that doesn’t make it any less real or valid. If you’re experiencing frequent stress, having low moods, and having difficulty functioning each day, it could be worth meeting with a licensed mental health professional (like a psychiatrist or therapist). Check out wikiHow’s Anxiety Test and Depression Test to take a closer look at your symptoms. Just keep in mind, though, that these quizzes aren’t a diagnostic tool—only a professional can do that!
Ways to Feel Better
Face your problems and try to fix them. Maybe you’re in a big fight with your partner, or you’re stressed about managing the next month’s bills. Overwhelming tasks can definitely bring unwanted stress and negativity to your life, so it helps to split them up into smaller tasks. If you’re fighting with a partner, you might plan to have multiple conversations to address different issues in your relationship. During these chats, you could use “I” statements to share your feelings without shifting the blame onto your significant other. If you’re stressed about a big bill coming up, you could plan to set aside small amounts of your weekly paycheck rather than paying a large sum upfront. As you focus on your goals, life coach Guy Reichard suggests “to plan for what could go wrong or stand in the way, and how you will overcome such obstacles. This will build grit and resilience into your approach.”
Recognize negative thought patterns. Negative thoughts come in a lot of different shapes and sizes—so much so that it’s not always easy to identify them right off the bat. Here are a few common types of negative thinking you might run into: Overgeneralizing: “My boss turned down my idea. I’m never going to contribute anything to the workplace.” Minimizing the positive: “I got an A- on my test, but I still should’ve done better.” Jumping to conclusions: “I know my interview tomorrow is going to go terribly.” Viewing situations as “all” or “nothing”: “I forgot to exercise yesterday. My new fitness plan is a total waste now!” Filtering: Most of your co-workers complimented your presentation, but you’re only focused on Jodie, who was critical of it. Magnifying mistakes: “I sent out an email with a typo in it. I’m the worst, most unprofessional person ever!” Thinking in “shoulds”: “I should’ve taken the train instead of driving; then, I wouldn’t be late.” Labelling: “I can’t believe spelled the word changeable wrong. I’m the dumbest person out there!” Reasoning things emotionally: “My last boyfriend treated me poorly, so all men must be mean and uncaring.” Personalizing problems: “It’s my fault that my child had a terrible day at school today.”
Accept negative thoughts without judging them. Better known as “thought-stopping,” this strategy involves hitting the brakes on your negative, unwanted thoughts by uttering “stop” to yourself (while picturing something that really invokes that energy, like a red traffic signal). Once you’ve paused that thought, repeat the word “calm” while visualizing something really soothing (e.g., a beach, a mountain lake, etc.). With practice, this exercise can be a useful way to get your negative thoughts under control. Make your moment of peaceful visualization extra soothing by incorporating your 5 senses. What would you see at this relaxing place? What would you smell? What would you be touching?
Practice positive thinking strategies. Like any other good habit, positive thinking is something that becomes easier the more you practice it. Here are a few simple ways to dial up the positivity in your daily routine: Replace your negative thoughts. If you find yourself thinking negatively about a certain aspect of your life, look for small ways to put a positive spin on things. Instead of thinking “I can’t believe I embarrassed myself like that,” try thinking “Everyone does embarrassing things sometimes—there’s no need to be so hard on myself!” Learn to laugh. Teaching yourself to laugh during stressful or otherwise inconvenient times can help sprinkle some positivity into the moment. Practice the golden rule with your thoughts. If you wouldn’t say your negative, critical thought to a close friend, you shouldn’t say it to yourself, either. You deserve love and kindness, too! Build a positive support network. When your life is filled with positive individuals, your day-to-day interactions will naturally start to feel more positive.
Treat yourself with compassion. When you’re struggling with a negative thought or circumstance, approach yourself with the grace, kindness, and love you would show to a friend. Boost your spirits by telling yourself something encouraging. Draft a letter to yourself where you discuss a negative circumstance without blaming anyone. Take a load off by doing a relaxing activity, whether that’s self-massage or taking a short walk around your neighborhood.
Incorporate positive affirmations into your routine. An affirmation is an uplifting statement that helps nudge your thoughts in a more positive direction. Repeating them throughout the day can help you feel a little better as you work your way through your daily routine. Your affirmation can be just about anything, like: I make an impact on the world around me. I’m thankful for the opportunities I have. I can accomplish my goals. I will treat myself with compassion. I deserve to be happy and content.
Identify what is and isn’t out of your control. Using your phone, computer, or a blank sheet of paper, list and categorize the different stressors in your life. Which ones are within your control and which ones aren’t? When we focus on things that are totally out of our control (e.g., others’ perceptions of us, a submitted job application, etc.), it’s easy to feel less than our best. Refocusing on problems that are within your control can be a really empowering way to take back your life.
Acknowledge what you’re thankful for. On your phone, in your notebook, or just in your head, think about one specific thing you’re thankful for—like your cat greeting you when you get home, or the beautiful weather that fills your room with sunshine. Focusing on the positives, however small, is a great way to nurture positivity in your life. Some people choose to keep a gratitude journal so they can regularly track the positives they encounter.
Set aside time for your hobbies. Maybe you love playing a pick-up game of soccer with your friends, or you really enjoy knitting while catching up on your favorite TV show. Whatever hobby (or hobbies) rocks your world, make intentional time for it in your routine so you can relax and enjoy a positive activity with yourself. Give new hobbies a try, too! If there’s an activity you’ve always wanted to do, give yourself permission to explore it. Life coach Rachel Clissold agrees that it’s important to set aside time for play. She encourages you to “keep playing, keep being curious, and keep that investment you have for life. Don’t let the outside world infiltrate your passion, enthusiasm, and excitement for play.”
Plan fun activities in the future. Ask a friend to hang out on the weekend, or plan a fun weekend away with your loved ones in the summer. Whatever activity would make you most excited and happy, put it on the calendar! Having something to look forward to can really help brighten your outlook on life.
Volunteer for a cause that means a lot to you. Are you passionate about homeless pets in your community, or do you care a lot about the environment? Finding an organization or cause that aligns with your interests and volunteering for it is an easy way to make your life feel more fulfilling and rewarding. This isn’t to say you have to dedicate your whole life to a specific cause (though you totally can, if you’d find that fulfilling!). An hour of donating blood or volunteering at an animal shelter can still give your psyche a positive boost.
Practice mindfulness regularly. Practicing mindfulness is all about focusing on the present moment and learning to accept your thoughts rather than fighting them. It can be as simple as focusing on your physical senses for a moment (what you’re thinking/hearing/touching/smelling/tasting), or taking some time to meditate. Want to give meditation a try? Check out wikiHow’s Meditation for Beginners course, featuring advice from certified meditation coach Soken Graf.
Spend time with your friends and loved ones. It can be tough to reach out to your support system when you’re feeling low—but doing so can make a really big difference! Let your friends and trusted loved ones know when you aren’t feeling great, and vent to them about what’s on your mind. They can offer a listening ear (or even some advice), which can be incredibly validating.
Make time for a healthy diet and regular exercise. Try to switch up your regular meal plans in small but meaningful ways. The healthier and more nourished you are, the more prepared you’ll be to face life’s challenges and adventures. Exercise is another important way to stay healthy; when you work out, your body releases feel-good chemicals that can help boost your mood and even reduce pain. You might make dinner at home on Friday night if you’re used to ordering out, or you might switch out a more unhealthy snack (like refined carbs) with something that’s on the healthier side (like fresh fruit or veggies). A healthy sleep schedule can also make a big difference in your physical and emotional well-being. Adults should aim for 7- 8 hours of sleep per night, while teens should aim for 8-10 hours.
Chat with a life coach. Life coach Leah Morris explains how meeting with a life coach is “the same thing as an aspiring athlete meeting with someone who can evaluate their athletic skill. They’re going to hire someone to come in and say ‘What are you eating?’ or ‘How much are you practicing a day?’” She agrees that “having somebody taking a second look at your blind spots can be super helpful.” Websites like Bark and Noomii make it easy to find a life coach near you. Not sure if you have the time or resources for a life coach? wikiHow has you covered with life coach co-authored courses like Becoming More Optimistic and Find True Confidence.
When to Seek Help
Call a hotline or emergency services if you’re feeling suicidal. If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, call 988 if you live in the USA or the suicide hotline in your country to be connected with a trained listener. However heavy your burdens are, you don’t have to carry them alone. If your life is in active danger, call 911 or the emergency services number in your country for help. Consider joining a support group where you can explore your feelings in a safe environment with like-minded individuals.
Meet with a mental health professional if you just can’t shake the negativity. Over 20% of American adults live with some type of mental illness in their day-to-day lives. That is to say, you’re not alone if you think you could potentially be struggling with some type of mental health issue (like anxiety or depression)—and a licensed mental health professional can be a big help. Click here to find a psychologist in your area. Therapy isn’t always accessible, especially if you’re unsure about your insurance coverage. Free resources like 7Cups, BuddyHelp, or MyBlackDog can put you in touch with someone if you just need a listening ear.
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