Talk to her about the status of your relationship.
Before convincing her to stay, you need to know if her mind is set. If she tells you something like, “We need to break up” or “I don’t think we should talk anymore,” understand that it’s probably best to let her go. But if she says “I’m not sure if our relationship has a future” or “I don’t know if I want to be with you,” there may still be a chance for her to change her mind. Ask her something like “Are you sure that you don’t want to be together anymore?” to see the status of your relationship. Social media can also give you a clue about whether she’s still interested in keeping your relationship going. If she’s deleted photos with you off her Instagram, changed her profile picture to one where she’s single, or changed her relationship status online to “single,” take this as a sign that it’s over. If she’s blocked you on social media or through text, give her space and move on. Don’t try to force communication, however hard it might be.
Understand her reasons for wanting to leave.
Knowing why she wants to leave can give you a chance to fix things. Asking her something like “Can you tell me what’s made you feel this way?” gives her a chance to explain her decision-making process. This can give you some really valuable insight, not only for convincing her to stay in the relationship, but also, if things don’t pan out, for your future relationships. Don’t dismiss her concerns about your relationship by getting defensive. For example, if she says “I don’t see you enough to feel a close connection with you,” reply something like, “I get it. I hadn’t realized that this was a problem for us, and I’m really sorry.” Instead of having this conversation over the phone or text, it might be a good idea to invite her out on a final date. Talking face-to-face can give you a chance to have a deeper conversation, and might also lead her to rethink her decision.
Apologize if you’ve made a mistake.
A genuine “I’m sorry” can go a long way. If she’s told you about specific instances when you’ve made mistakes, demonstrate real remorse in your response. Let her know that you understand why she feels disappointed in you, and that you understand that you’ve hurt her. For example, you might say something like: “I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel ignored by flaking on our plans. That was wrong of me, and I realize now how you must have felt hurt.” “I’m sorry for the times I picked fights with you. It wasn’t right of me to take out my frustration on you, and you truly deserved better from me.” “I’m sorry that I got lazy in our relationship. You shouldn’t have had to take on all the responsibility in keeping ours going. I understand how frustrating and hard that must be.”
Have a plan to improve your relationship.
Promising to change isn’t the same as having a plan to do it. If she’s told you the reasons why she wants to end the relationship, take the responsibility of coming up with actions that you can take to improve it. Relationships take a lot of work, and you should show her that you understand this. Share your plans with her, and let her know that you’re committed to making things better. For example: “I know I haven’t taken enough initiative in our relationship in the past. I want to change this—can I plan a weekly date for us to do something together each Friday?” “I’m sorry that I’ve struggled with anger issues that have affected you. I’m going to start taking classes in anger management next week.” “I would never physically cheat on you, but I understand now how wrong it was of me to talk to those other girls online without being open to you about it. From now on, you can check my social media whenever you want to.”
Show her you still care for her.
Express your affection for her in a way that you know she appreciates. For example, if you know that her “love language” is getting thoughtful gifts, bring her something that you know she’s had her eye on for a while. Or, if she’s more into verbal words of affection, tell her something like, “I know we’ve hit a rocky patch, but I love you more than anything, and I’m committed to you and our relationship.” The 5 love languages are compliments, quality time, giving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Showing your girlfriend that you care for her in the love language that she most appreciates is the best way to keep her feeling secure in the relationship. A post on social media can also let her know that you’re thinking about her, so long as you don’t overdo it. Try something short and sweet, like “Missing my best friend.”
Do a romantic gesture.
A little romance can remind her of why she fell for you. If she’s open to it, take her out on a picnic, make her a playlist of songs that remind you of her, or invite her to a night out looking at the stars. Sometimes relationships can feel stale or boring as they go on, so spicing things up with a bit of romance can make her remember her feelings for you. Everyone has a different idea of romance. If you’ve been dating an outdoorsy girl, try inviting her for a hike. Or, if your girlfriend’s idea of romance has more to do with candlelit dinners, spend the afternoon making her a delicious meal.
Write her a letter.
A hand-written letter communicates how much she means to you. Writing her a letter explaining your feelings for her, what draws you to her, and how much she means to you will let her know how serious you are about her and your relationship. Sending it through the mail is definitely an option, but you can get it to her faster by dropping it off at her place or with a friend you trust. Your letter might look something like this: “I’m writing this letter to let you know how much I care for you, how much you mean to me, and how happy I am to have been able to share life with you. I’m constantly in awe of your intelligence and beauty, your kindness and patience, and the way your eyes light up when the world excites you. Witnessing those moments has been one of the deepest pleasures of my life. I love you; I want to be with you; I am always thinking about you. I know we’ve been through rocky times, and I apologize for my part in causing them. A second chance with you would mean the world to me, but I respect your decision either way.”
Limit your communication with her.
Too much communication can feel suffocating at times like this. As the old saying goes, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” If you’ve been texting and calling each other non-stop, it’s best to take a step back, no matter how hard it might be. Wait until she initiates contact with you—when she does, you’ll know she’s open to talking. If she asks you why you’ve been communicating less with her, tell her something like, “I wanted to give you some space after our last conversation. I still really care about you, and if you want to talk more, I’d be happy to.”
Take a break from the relationship.
If a breakup seems on the horizon, try taking a break instead. Taking a break can especially be helpful if your girlfriend is going through issues of her own that she needs time to sort out, like problems with her family or at work. Giving yourselves space for a set amount of time (say, a month) to solve problems independently can help you come together as an even stronger couple later. You can suggest a break in the relationship if you think that this is the right choice. Say something like, “I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I want to support you. But if you think that taking a break might be for the best, I’m happy to give you that space.” It’s possible that during the break either you or your girlfriend will decide to end the relationship completely. If that’s the case, it’s time to move on, however hard it might be.
Try to maintain your dignity.
Breakups can make any of us feel desperate, but begging won’t work. Unfortunately, pity is no way to get a relationship back on track. Showing that you’re an independent person is the best way to stay attractive to your girlfriend. Keep pursuing your hobbies, spending time with friends, and succeeding at work or school. Coming off as too desperate will push her away from you, so try your best to remember that you’re a capable person who is able to live their own life.
Accept her reaction, no matter what it is.
You can’t force someone to stay in a relationship with you. If you’ve tried your best to show your girlfriend how much you care about her, and she still wants to leave the relationship, you will need to respect her decision. Moving on from a relationship is never easy, but you can do it, and grow from the whole experience. It’s important not to cross any boundaries after a relationship ends. If she needs space from you, give it to her. Everyone has the right to end a relationship for whatever reason they want.
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