How to Become a Stronger Woman

Defining Yourself

Define “woman” for yourself. Despite the popular myths to the contrary, there aren’t that many “innate” differences between men and women. Male and female brains, for example, are virtually identical. While social and cultural pressures often have rigid standards for what “counts” as feminine, part of becoming a stronger woman is deciding just what “woman” means for your life. Reject standards and ideas that do not fit with who you want to be. Societies may have particularly rigid or oppressive standards for marginalized groups, such as women of color, religious minorities, or trans women. It can be difficult to balance developing your identity as the woman you want to be with maintaining personal safety. You have to decide for yourself what you feel comfortable with, and what is safe for you at a particular moment. Even some women can be unfortunately limiting when it comes to what they think “counts” as appropriate for women. Some people may try to say that you cannot be a feminist woman and a stay-at-home parent, while others may argue that having a career is incompatible with “true” womanhood. Remember that whatever you choose, whether it’s being a nurse or being a bodybuilder, is womanly, because you’re a woman. Be aware that behavior that goes against accepted norms may meet with resistance. For example, women who wear clothing that is coded as “sexy,” such as short skirts and stiletto heels, may be perceived negatively, especially in the workplace. Women who wear clothes that are coded as “modest,” such as longer skirts and flats, are often perceived more positively at work. It can be difficult to navigate between what society accepts and what you want for yourself. Learning how to manage this balance is part of becoming a stronger woman.

Define your values. Everyone has a set of “core” values. These values are your beliefs, ideas, and what you consider to be the most important things in life. Values guide the choices you make in life. Spending a little time reflecting on your personality and life will help you identify your values. “Value congruence” is when the choices you make and the life you lead are aligned with your values. Several studies suggest that when you are making choices and setting goals that are personally meaningful, you will feel better and be more successful at following through.

Ask yourself some reflective questions. To help you figure out your values, spend some time in reflection. The questions and prompts below can be helpful in defining what you value. Think about a few times when you were really happy. What were you doing? Who were you with? What was the situation like? Write these down. Think about a few times when you felt really proud of yourself. Why were you proud? Who shared that feeling with you? What contributed to this situation? Write these down. Think about some times when you felt fulfilled, satisfied, or content. What do you think led to that feeling? What need was being satisfied? What was meaningful about it? Write these down. If your house was on fire, what three things would you save? (Assume people and pets are safe.) Why? If you could change one thing about your community/neighborhood/workplace/world, what would it be? Why? What do you feel passionate about?

Look for common patterns in the lists you’ve just made. Once you’ve compiled your responses to the prompts, think about what stands out in your answers. What appears to make you happy? What isn’t as satisfying as you thought? For example, perhaps you chose to save your family photo albums in the hypothetical house fire, and discovered that you were with friends or family during most of the times you remember being really happy. That suggests that social values, such as Community, Friendship and Family-orientedness, may be very strong for you. Similarly, perhaps you remember being proud of yourself when you had achieved a goal or made an accomplishment. Maybe a status or skill makes you satisfied. These things suggest that values such as Competitiveness, Achievement, and Excellence may be important to you. Remember that your values are yours, and they need not comply with anyone else’s standards. They are not “right” or “wrong.” A list of possible values can be found at the Mind Tools page, “What Are Your Values?”

Ask yourself whether your choices are consistent with these values. Just because we have core values doesn’t mean we always act in accordance with them. There are many reasons why we might make choices that aren’t value-congruent. Because women are subjected to many social and cultural pressures, it can be difficult to choose options that do not conform to traditional expectations. There is a very strong sense of “should” for many women. Even worse, many of these “shoulds” are completely contradictory, such as the common social pressure to look sexually attractive but remain “modest”. Accepting these “shoulds” can encourage you to make choices that aren’t in line with what you really value. Think about a time when you made a difficult choice. For example, perhaps you decided to leave your baby with a daycare provider so that you could return to work. Was this because you felt pressured by others to return? This is an example of “shoulding.” Was it because you find personal fulfillment at work that you missed? This could be an example of a value-congruent choice. Sometimes, necessity can mean you have to make choices that aren’t ideal. Try to make as many choices in your life that are value-congruent as possible. That will make the compromises you must make easier to deal with.

Decide how you want to balance career and family life. In the United States, more than 7 out of 10 mothers with children work, and more than one half of all married couples have both partners working. These numbers mean that at some point, you will probably have to determine how you want to balance your family life with your career. Unfortunately, American society still has a strong stigma against mothers who work outside the home, with only 21% of Americans seeing it as positive. Recognize that the “woman who has it all” is a myth. Determining your core values will help you decide what to prioritize, because you will sometimes have to prioritize one thing over another. Choose what will best satisfy your values.

Consider your many roles. Many women play multiple roles in their lives: daughter, sister, partner, mother, etc. These roles are often socially prescriptive, and society can encourage women to define their identities solely in terms of their relationships to others: I’m my husband’s wife, my child’s mother, my mother’s daughter, my brother’s sister, etc. Because many cultures teach women to understand themselves relationally, through their connections with others, many women struggle with finding an identity separate from their families. In addition to your relationships with others, consider what other roles you play. Are you a musician, a chef, a lover of comic books? Perhaps you are a skydiver or surfer or chess-player. Thinking about what roles you play in addition to those that connect you to others can give you a deeper sense of yourself. Women who do not follow the traditional route of marriage and motherhood are also often stigmatized. Women without children may experience pressure to have them, or intense questioning about why they do not. Determining what you value will help you deal with these social and cultural pressures.

Building Your Confidence

List your strengths. One way to improve your self-confidence is to make a list of the strengths you have. Even though you may want to become a stronger woman, you already have some core strengths you can draw on. Be aware that people are often wildly inaccurate about their own strengths and weaknesses. It may be helpful for you to ask others to help you determine your strengths.

Try the “Reflected Best Self” exercise. This exercise is based on research by organizational psychologists. You may find it helpful, especially if you had a hard time listing your strengths on your own. It may also be good practice in getting accustomed to hearing positive feedback about yourself, which many women are trained to dismiss or view with suspicion. Identify people to help you and ask for their feedback. Ask 10-20 people you know well to write about a time they saw you “at your best.” Ask them to provide specific examples. Look for patterns in these stories. Make a list of things that stand out or repeat. Put these patterns together. Using the list, create a profile of your “best you.” Use this “best you” to drive your progress. Focus on bolstering existing skills and developing new ones to handle any aspect of your life, whether it's improving the way you handle your emotions, stress, or even little things about your daily life.

Learn to say “no.” Women are often taught to be people pleasers. Society has very strong traditional gender roles that teach women to appease, keep the peace, and serve others. Women are often socialized to “be nice” and consider others’ feelings, often at the detriment of their own. Learning to say “no” can be hard, but it’s a crucial part of becoming a stronger woman. Be aware that setting boundaries and enforcing them, especially at work, can be met with backlash. Because women are typically considered to be “helpers,” behavior that appears to go against this perception may be interpreted negatively. One way to say “no” productively in work situations can be to remind the person making the request what else you’re working on. For example, you could ask to sit down with your boss: “That does sound important. I have a lot on my plate right now, so let’s sit down together for a few minutes so you can help me find a way to prioritize my projects. I want to make sure I focus on the most important things.” Take 24 hours to decide before agreeing to something. You can always say, “Let me think about that and get back with you.” This will give you the time to consider whether this request is a good opportunity, and whether you can really afford the time it will take. It’s also okay to say no to friends. You can say something like, “I really wish I could help you move this weekend, but I’ve already committed to such-and-such” or “I would usually love to go to your party, but I’ve had a rough week and need some time to unwind on my own this weekend.” There’s no need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, and your loved ones will understand this. (And if they don’t, they need to rethink things.)

Keep a journal. Journaling can have excellent benefits. It can promote a sense of gratitude and well-being. It can help you develop self-compassion. Journaling doesn’t work for everyone, but it is recommended as it’s often a great way to reflect on yourself with kindness. Focus on people and experiences you are grateful for. Write down even the little things they do that make you happy. Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” has been shown to reduce stress, increase happiness, and promote feelings of well-being. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff recommends keeping a “self-compassion” journal. Write down any times when you feel upset, when you judge yourself, or when you experienced pain. Then, use mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness to process these feelings. For example, imagine that someone said something hurtful about your appearance. Write how you felt, how you reacted, and what you did. Try not to judge yourself or your experience: “A person on the bus made a comment about my body. I felt hurt and embarrassed.” Next, acknowledge that this experience is part of being human: “It’s natural to feel hurt when someone is unkind.” Finally, give yourself some words of comfort: “That person did not know me, and they judged me for something I cannot control. That’s their loss. I am beautiful, and I can be kind to others.”

Counter negative self-talk. Negative self-talk can be very damaging. Unfortunately, many of us seem to play negative thoughts on a loop at the back of our minds without even thinking. Take the time to challenge negative thoughts about yourself with positive statements. You may find that speaking these statements out loud helps, too. For example, imagine that you are at the grocery store and your child is misbehaving. You snap at her, and immediately regret your behavior. A negative thought could appear such as, “I’m a terrible mother.” This is an unfair generalization about you from one specific event. Instead, remind yourself that you are human as you acknowledge your mistake. “I snapped at my daughter, which was wrong. I can do better next time.” Challenging negative thoughts does not mean you don’t take responsibility for when you do something wrong. For example, you would still apologize to your daughter for snapping at her even if you rejected your negative self-talk about the incident. The difference is that in one case you generalize yourself as “a failure,” and in the other, you recognize and acknowledge a mistake. This latter way of thinking promotes growth and real strength.

Challenge personalization. Personalization is a common distortion of perception in which we automatically blame ourselves for anything that goes wrong. Because social and cultural pressures often encourage women to view themselves as responsible for everyone else’s well-being, personalization could be a difficult challenge for you to overcome. Realizing that you are not responsible for others can help you feel stronger. For example, if your romantic partner has been less interested in sex recently, a personalizing approach would be to blame yourself: “My partner doesn’t want to have sex with me because of something I did.” A way to challenge this distortion is to recognize that the other person has his/her own life and thoughts that you’re not always aware of. Your partner could be under a lot of stress at work, fighting off a cold, not feeling attractive themselves, or a host of other things that are not your fault. Communicating directly can be a good way to challenge personalization. For example, you could talk with your partner about why s/he has had a lower sex drive recently. Approach the issue without judgment, just ask the other person what’s going on and invite him/her to share with you: “I noticed that we haven’t had sex in a while. I miss that experience with you. Would you like to talk about what’s going on?”

Practice self-kindness. Women are often under a lot of pressure to do everything and be everything. We’re taught to strive for perfection because perfection is often mistakenly equated with excellence. We are also taught that not achieving perfection means failure. However, many research studies demonstrate that perfectionism actually holds you back, and that the most successful people are often those who embrace mistakes as learning experiences for the future. Remind yourself that excellence is not a result of perfection. Excellence is the product of setting meaningful goals and working hard to attain them. A productive way to be excellent is to treat yourself as a mentor would treat you: with respect, trust, understanding, compassion, empathy, and kindness. Try approaching yourself as you would a loved friend or family member. You likely do not judge your friends harshly for their flaws. Show yourself that same compassion. Many studies have shown that perfectionism can actually hurt your performance and achievement. Perfectionism can also lead to procrastination, where you never start working on your goals because you believe you won’t be able to achieve them the way you want.

Spend time with positive people. Research has shown that humans can “catch” emotions, much like you catch a cold, if we spend time around others experiencing them. This phenomenon is known as “emotional contagion.” For example, spending time around happy people is likely to make you feel happy as well. Surround yourself with people who respect and care for you. Spend time with people who validate you and love you for the strong woman you are. Spending time with positive people can help other areas of your life too. For example, one study showed that a group of business students who “caught” positive emotion from an actor planted in their group were more likely to cooperate, have less conflict, and feel better about their achievements.

Spend time on your own. Being alone can be an uncomfortable experience for many women. Social and cultural pressures often tell women that they “need” someone -- a male partner, a child, a boss -- to feel fulfilled. Spending some positive, pleasant time on your own can be a good way to strengthen your sense of yourself. Take a walk on your own. Try not to focus on what you have on your to-do list or what others need from you. Use your senses to consciously notice the beauty around you, such as flowers growing on the side of the road or the sound of rainfall. Honing your appreciation of small moments will help you feel more calm, relaxed, and grounded. Go out to dinner or see a movie by yourself. Sometimes, events and experiences can become so culturally ingrained as being “for two” that it’s hard to imagine doing them on your own. There’s no reason you shouldn’t do nice things just for yourself. Take yourself out to a nice dinner. Go to see a movie and order a drink and popcorn just for you. Bring a book to your favorite bar and have a few drinks. Taking yourself on a “date” every now and then will help remind you that you are worth spending time with and caring for.

Loving Your Body

Think body-positively. One of the most damaging elements of social pressure on women is the insistence that women look a certain way. According to some surveys, 91% of women are unhappy with how their bodies look. That’s hardly surprising, given that the media we’re exposed to every day, in magazines, movies, TV, and advertisements, is saturated with a very narrow range of “acceptable” appearances. These “ideal” appearances are usually white, tall, large-breasted, and significantly beneath a healthy body weight range. Obviously, most women don’t look like this. Learning to love your body just how it is will help you present yourself with confidence. The media bombardment is not limited to the United States or “Western” countries. For example, as Western media have begun to shape beauty ideals in Japan, the incidence of eating disorders has also risen. Put signs on all the mirrors with positive statements, such as “I’m beautiful inside and out.” Spend some time looking at yourself in the mirror. Don’t focus on the things you don’t like. Challenge yourself to find at least 5 things you think are beautiful about your body. Then, the next day, challenge yourself to find 5 more. Because transgender women's gender identities do not match the sex of the their bodies as determined at birth, they may find themselves in unique situations regarding their bodies. Bringing your body into alignment with your gender identity is not a mutilation or failure to love yourself. It is a way to express your sense of yourself, which is part of being a strong woman.

Dress in a way that expresses your personality. What you wear really can affect how you feel about yourself. For example, one study showed that people who were asked to wear lab coats while performing a simple scientific task were more attentive and more confident than those who didn’t wear lab coats. Find clothes that make you feel good about yourself and express something about you. Ignore the labels. For many women, the size on the clothing label is inversely related to our self-esteem: the higher the number, the worse we may feel about ourselves. Not only is the number on the tag just a number, it’s also completely arbitrary. One store’s 4 is another store’s 12. Don’t let these random numbers determine your worth! Understand that many workplaces require more conservative dressing for women. It isn’t fair, but it’s unfortunately true that women who wear clothes that seem too alluring, such as lower-cut blouses or short skirts or flashy jewelry, may not be taken seriously in the workplace. See if you can navigate a balance between what will get you respect and what will express yourself.

Masturbate more often. Women’s sexuality is commonly a taboo topic, and women’s self-pleasuring even more so. Masturbation is often surrounded by myths, misinformation, and guilt. However, research has shown that regular masturbation has a variety of health benefits for women. Getting in touch with your body can help you feel stronger, healthier, and happier. There is no one “right” or “wrong” way to masturbate. Explore your body and learn what makes you feel good. If you use sex toys or implements, make sure to read the directions and keep them clean and safe. It may seem awkward at first, but having a look at your genitals can help you figure out what your body looks like and where you can focus your attentions. Masturbating releases endorphins, which are natural mood-elevators and help relieve feelings of stress and anxiety. This happens even if you don’t reach orgasm. Masturbation can help ease difficulties associated with menopause and post menopause, such as vaginal narrowing or dryness. Masturbation can help you sleep better. As you near sexual climax, your body releases dopamine, a “feel-good” hormone. After orgasm, your body releases endorphins and oxytocin, which may help you relax into a good night’s sleep. An added benefit of masturbation is that it will help you learn what gives you pleasure and what doesn’t. You can share that information with your partner(s) to help them understand what turns you on. Women who masturbate are more likely to experience a happy sex life with a partner. They also report enjoying sex more than women who don’t masturbate. Helpful books on female masturbation and orgasm include Dr. Vivienne Cass’s The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman’s Guide to Why She Can’t and How She Can Orgasm and Dr. Sadie Allison’s Tickle Your Fancy: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure.

Explore your sexual desires by reading erotica or watching pornography. Experimenting with different types of erotica and pornography can help you figure out what arouses you. Reading erotica with your partner can also be a fulfilling experience. What you like and don’t like is up to you. Don’t feel as though you have to conform anyone’s standards except your own.

Reject stereotypes about women’s sexuality. Each woman’s body is unique, and what arouses you is also unique. Unfortunately, there is a world of misinformation out there. There’s also a tendency to speak about women’s sexuality as something shameful or dirty. It isn’t. These myths and misinformation are harmful to your health and happiness. Embracing your sexual health will help you feel stronger and more fulfilled. For example, an extremely common myth is that men think about sex more often than women do. You’ve probably heard the “Men think about sex every 2 seconds” myth before. However, studies have shown that most adult men and women think about sex with about the same frequency. Another common myth is that women don’t enjoy casual sex. This is also untrue. Studies have shown that under certain circumstances, women are just as likely to be interested in casual sex as men are. However, there are two mitigating factors: safety and social perception. Women are more likely to be concerned about their physical safety when accepting a casual sexual encounter. (With good reason: statistics show that 1 in 5 women report experiencing rape during their lives.) Because society has a strong tendency to characterize women who have casual sex as “immoral” or otherwise negative, women are also more likely to consider whether their behavior will be stigmatized before accepting casual sex. A third common myth is that women don’t want or need to masturbate. However, more than half of women aged 18-49 report masturbating at least once in the previous 90 days. Women between the ages of 18-24 are actually slightly more likely to masturbate than men the same age.

Share your needs with your partner. Women are often not taught to speak up for ourselves. However, sharing your desires and needs with your partner can be an excellent bonding experience. Agree on a good time to talk. Just before bedtime, during chores time, or while Game of Thrones is on isn’t a good time to have an open discussion about your sex life. Choose a time when both of you can focus on each other without distraction. Use open, honest terms. Don’t feel embarrassed to use appropriate language to express what you like. Your partner may not understand euphemisms. Be as specific as possible. Try to avoid sounding blaming or judging when you express your needs. If your partner feels blamed, s/he will likely tune out of the discussion, or feel guilty or hurt. For example, it’s unproductive to say something like: “You’re not giving me what I need.” Instead, you can talk about your own feelings and experience: “I’ve felt rushed lately during sex. I would enjoy it more if we slowed down and took our time.” Invite your partner to share his/her feelings and experience. Remember, sex is a mutual experience. Make sure you’re also acknowledging your partner’s needs and experiences.

Own your sexuality. Just like with other areas of confidence in your life, sexual confidence comes from knowing and accepting your desires and needs. This knowledge and acceptance will help you be open to sharing your desires and needs with partners, if you want them. But remember: your sexuality is yours to do with as you decide. No one has the right to pressure or guilt you into (or out of) sex. The sexual response cycle for females is generally more complex than for males. Rather than a linear model of desire, arousal, and orgasm, women may cycle through these phases in different orders, or may not experience one or more of the phases. Women may be more interested in sex as a way to express their emotions than men. Women may also feel satisfied with sex even if it does not result in orgasm. Learn what works for you, and realize that there is no “normal” except what your own body does for you. Dr. Lonnie Barbach’s For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality is a good overall guide to embracing your sexuality.

Displaying Strength with Others

Communicate assertively. Women are often taught to be “nurturers,” and women who communicate assertively may be seen as “shrill,” “angry” or “pushy.” However, learning to communicate your needs and ideas in an assertive way will help you feel stronger and more confident. Here are some ways to communicate assertively: Use “I”-focused statements to convey your reactions and feelings. For example, “I don’t like it when you forget to take the trash out. It makes me feel as though you are not sharing the household responsibilities with me.” Give constructive criticism without judging. For example, “I feel frustrated when you rush me to get ready. It makes me feel anxious and it’s harder for me to enjoy our time out. I would like you to stay out of our room while I get ready.” Use co-operative phrases, such as “What are your thoughts on this?” or “What would you do?” Make clear statements of wants and needs. For example, “I want to take a dance class” is clear, whereas “I kind of think it would be nice if we took a dance class” is unclear. Speak in a clear, calm voice. Don’t shout or murmur. Keep your tone relaxed and steady. Don’t use avoidance or distraction techniques such as sarcasm, fake humor, or self-deprecation. These will make it harder for others to know when you are being serious and when you’re “joking.”

Use assertive body language. It can sometimes be hard to feel as though others take you seriously. While you cannot change others’ beliefs, and some people will remain stubbornly prejudiced against women, you can alter how you present yourself to communicate strength and confidence. Claim your space. You don’t have to take more than you need, but women may subconsciously make themselves smaller by tucking their feet under their chairs, folding their hands in their laps, or crossing their legs or ankles. Studies have shown that these timid body postures can actually make you feel more anxious and unconfident. Claim your space by planting your feet firmly on the floor while sitting. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Lean back in your chair or use your armrests. Stand with your shoulders back and your chest out. Slouching can communicate weakness or timidity. Keep your arms uncrossed. Crossed arms indicate that you’re closed off to communicating, or that you’re trying to defend yourself. Make eye contact. Aim for maintaining eye contact at least 50% of the time while speaking, and at least 70% of the time while listening. Use relaxed, smooth gestures. Avoid pointing; use an open palm to gesture instead. Don’t shift your weight back and forth. Distribute your weight evenly.

Speak up for others. Research has shown that women who behave assertively may face backlash due to social prejudices. However, this research also suggests that women who behave assertively in support of others are more likely to be viewed positively. Frame your assertiveness as benefitting the team, rather than only yourself, and you may find that more people listen to you. This may be because advocacy for others conforms to the stereotypical gender norm that women are “nurturers” or “helpers.” It’s important to recognize that this norm isn’t universally true, but it is commonly accepted. Sometimes, you have to work within a limiting framework while you work to change it. For example, you could frame your request for a larger office this way: “We’re working on that big project, and I could really use a bigger office to accommodate the extra files and team members. If I had the corner office to work in, we’d have an easier time making headway on this project.”

Support other women in your workplace. Research has demonstrated that society tends to confound gender and status so thoroughly that, if status isn’t “externally conferred” or confirmed by others, people will assume women to automatically have lower status than men who are in the same position. However, supporting and speaking up for other women in your workplace can help confirm their status and improve how others treat them. For example, imagine that you have a position in upper management, and you have two assistant managers beneath you: one male and one female. If someone interacting with your assistant managers makes the mistake of assuming that the male AM is higher up than the female AM, gently correct the mistake: “Actually, Juanita is the same rank as Joseph. She can easily help you with what you need.”

Consider the context when making requests. Research has shown that women are more able to act assertively, make requests, and seek resources when those resources are plentiful. In times when business is good, the restrictions on normative gender behavior may loosen a little. For example, asking for a raise right after your company has posted a quarterly loss isn’t likely to be effective for anyone, but particularly for women. However, if your company just closed a big deal or landed a big client, it could be just the right time for you to make your request. Several studies have shown that women who can be more flexible or more assertive, depending on the situation, get more promotions than either men or other women.

Accept praise. Women may be taught to diminish the value of their efforts. Women are often told that they should be “humble” and reject compliments and statements of praise. Learning to accept praise when it’s given can help you realize the value of your efforts. For example, if your boss tells you you did a great job on your presentation, don’t feel compelled to say something like, “Oh, it was nothing, really.” Instead, take credit for your real accomplishment, and acknowledge others if appropriate: “Thank you! I put some long hours in to prepare for it and I’m glad it went well. I had some great help from Shao, too.” This is very different from accepting sexual harassment masked as a “compliment.” You are under no obligation to acknowledge or appreciate cat-calling, unsolicited comments on your appearance, or any other statements that may be presented as “compliments.”

Involve your partner. Many couples have dual breadwinners, but the strong gendered norms in most societies mean that women are still considered to hold primary responsibility for household duties, such as getting kids to school, caring for the house, cooking meals, etc. Studies suggest that women in heterosexual couples carry out 67 percent of household duties and cook up to 91 percent of weekday dinners. If you’re in this situation, attain a better balance by asking your partner for his/her help. Research has shown that couples who create a system to share responsibility for household duties are significantly happier overall than couples who don’t. Approach duty-sharing as collaboration, rather than blaming or guilting. For example, sit down with your partner and discuss what duties each of you is best equipped to handle. Decide together on a schedule or rotation. This will help keep one of you from feeling like the other’s constant reminder or caretaker. Standing up for your needs is important; you will not be able to care for others if you don’t first care for yourself.