Set boundaries.
Firm boundaries can keep your relationship manageable. Empathic confrontation is a strategy that’s useful for managing a narcissist’s behavior and setting up some emotional distance. Try starting a statement with a sign that you know where the narcissist is coming from, before setting up a strict boundary that you’re willing to enforce. The Bible reminds us to set up boundaries to protect our emotional and spiritual health: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). For example, you might say something like, “I understand that you’re upset. But if you continue to call me names, I’ll be leaving this conversation.” Or, you can say something like, “I know that you care about me. But criticizing me in front of other people is unacceptable, and if you continue to do this, I won’t be inviting you to social events anymore.”
Take a break from the relationship.
Fast from this relationship and remind yourself of your independence. Just as Jesus fasted for 40 days and grew from the experience, you can also take a break from your relationship with the narcissist and grow emotionally and spiritually. A narcissist can never give you the love you might want from them, and if that’s important to you, you might realize that it is better to end the relationship altogether. When you’re taking a break from this relationship, it can feel really tough to deal with not having this person in your life, even if they are a narcissist. Remember that God has more to offer you than anyone: “I have food to eat that you know nothing about” (John 4:32).
Stand your ground.
Virtue gives you strength, so don’t let a narcissist shut you down. Narcissists can often make it impossible for you to get any words in during a conversation, so try to claim some space for yourself. Remember that as a Christian, being merciful and forgiving does not mean you have to be a push-over. The Bible emphasizes the importance of standing your ground against abusive people: “Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked” (Proverbs 25:26). To claim space in a conversation, say something like, “I’ve heard what you’ve had to say. Do you mind if I speak?”
Deescalate the situation if you’re being attacked.
You can’t win an argument with a narcissist, so reduce the conflict. While you should not tolerate any kind of abuse, spending your time trying to dispute the narcissist’s version of events will likely prolong any argument. Deescalation can keep you from giving the narcissist more ammunition to rage at you. Silence can be a useful strategy. Remember that Jesus would often not respond when being criticized and attacked by others: “And while He was being accused by the chief priests and elders, He did not answer” (Matthew 27:12). If a narcissist is criticizing you, try saying something like, “I disagree with your assessment of me,” and change the subject. When a narcissist is angry, sometimes the best option is to simply leave the room as quickly and safely as you can.
Save your energy for things you can change.
There are many worthwhile projects, but fixing a narcissist isn’t one. Narcissists have little to no empathy, and so it’s really difficult for them to change for the better. Instead of beating your head against the wall trying to get a narcissist to treat you better, it’s best to instead focus on doing good and meaningful work that matters. The Bible encourages us to have the wisdom to know what to do and when: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It’s okay to sometimes walk away when someone resists your attempts to get them to see the error of their ways. You can’t win every battle. If you’re looking for ways to make a meaningful impact, try volunteering for your church or offering help to people in your community who are responsive to it.
Keep your own values intact.
Rise above the provocations of a narcissist. When a narcissist displays bad behavior—whether that’s through name-calling, shouting, or simply showing you their dangerous levels of pride—be sure not to mimic this behavior. Treat them with kindness and mercy, and model Christ-like behavior in all that you do. Keep in mind that in the Bible, of all the things that God hates most, “haughty eyes” are listed first (Proverbs 6:16-17). Pride is a dangerous sin to fall into, so make sure you’re not fighting a narcissist’s fire with fire.
Pray to maintain your strength.
Narcissists try to isolate you, but with prayer you’re never alone. A key tactic that narcissists use is attempting to cut you off from your friends and family. It’s important to resist this isolation as much as possible, but remember that your relationship with God is always there for you. This relationship can give you mental and emotional strength when dealing with toxic behavior. Remember that when you call on God, He is always listening: “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you” (Jeremiah 29:12). If you’re struggling with prayer, think of it as simply having a conversation with God. Remember that He loves you and wants the best for you. Praying for the narcissist can bring you closer to Christ, even if it doesn’t change their behavior. As the Bible tells us: “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28).
Spend your time with healthier relationships.
Friends, family, and your church community offer meaningful connections. Invite a friend, family member, or someone from church that you’d like to get to know better out for coffee. Surrounding yourself with these relationships can remind you what healthy, non-draining relationships look like. The Bible tells us that relying on one another for support is more than just a good idea: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). You don’t need to spend your time with your other friends venting about the narcissist. Even a friendly conversation can improve your sense of self-worth.
Prioritize your own peace.
Self-care keeps you emotionally and mentally strong. When dealing with a narcissist, it’s easy to forget your own needs in favor of theirs, since you end up spending much of your energy appeasing them. But you matter, and you deserve to prioritize yourself. The Bible tells us: “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Aside from making sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying active, be sure to take some time every day doing something that is just for you. Self-care might also look like taking a relaxing bath, heading out into nature for an afternoon, or practicing mindfulness exercises.
Seek counseling to recover.
Narcissists tend to avoid counseling, but you shouldn’t. Talking to your pastor or a trained mental health professional about your relationship with the narcissist can help you process your feelings in a safe space. A narcissist can really damage your sense of self-worth, so reach out to others to help you find it again. The Bible encourages us to seek the counsel of others: “Listen to advice and receive discipline, so that you may become wise by the end of your life” (Proverbs 19:20).
See the narcissist for who they are.
Understanding that someone is a narcissist gives you clarity. Narcissism often comes from compensating for a deep woundedness. In early stages of a relationship with a narcissist, you may feel flattered by their attention and idealize them. If you become sucked into their orbit, this can be a kind of idolatry where you prioritize them over your spiritual and emotional wellbeing. Remember that God is where our greatest happiness comes from, not other people. As the Bible tells us: “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). Some signs of narcissism include an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a need to have constant admiration, a preoccupation with fantasies of power, beauty, and brilliance, monopolizing conversations, and an inability to recognize the needs of others. Once you identify someone as a narcissist, you can start being more careful in your relationship with them. Try not to let them suck you into their orbit, and remember that you should rely first on God and yourself.
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