How to Build Trust

Being Reliable

Do what you say. One of the most important steps in building a foundation of trust is to do what you say you will do. Even if it is a small thing, canceling or failing to follow through will create hairline fractures in your trustworthiness. Although the occasional failure to follow through may not seem like a big deal; repeated failures can add up. Over time, people in your life may come to see you as less trustworthy.

Honor your promises. Trust requires that people believe you will be dependable in the long-term. Thus, when you make someone a promise, you must keep it. If you truly cannot keep a promise you've made, explain face-to-face why you cannot do as you said you would. Especially if your promise was a major one, an explanation might not be enough. You may need to make a new promise to make it up to that person. Be sure to keep this new promise, no matter what! Do not belittle the original promise. However small and insignificant a promise may seem, realize that the other person may place great significance on it. Any lack of follow through could be hugely disappointing.

Be consistent. An important part of the definition of reliability is following through with your word many times over an extended period. By definition, someone reliable is someone you can almost always count on. Keep in mind that doing what you say only once or twice won’t build the solid foundation of trust in your relationships that you want.

Being Honest

Tell the truth as much as you can. While there are some situations where telling the whole truth as you see it might not be the most ethical choice, in most cases, honesty really is the best policy. Perhaps the most important time to tell the truth is when you would benefit from a lie. If you can be truthful at your own expense, you show that your relationship with another person is important. You also show them that their well-being is more important than your own. For example, imagine your friend loans you a book and you spill coffee on it. You could say that you lost the book. Or, you could try to find another copy and pretend nothing happened. But it is important to tell your friend what really happened. A damaged book may not be a big deal, but the risk of the truth emerging (or the risk of your friend perceiving the lie) will fracture trust.

If you do lie, admit to it. Sometimes it feels unavoidable to lie. Sometimes it happens without even thinking. If you do lie to someone, it is best to confess to your lie as soon as possible. Then, explain your motives and be sincere about your remorse. If you get caught, don't deny it. That is simply another lie, and it will further erode trust.

Speak from the heart. When you feel like lying to someone, either to spare their feelings or to spare yourself from their unfavorable response, find an anchor point to focus on. Choose something good about that person and emphasize this in your communication. Speak to that anchor of goodness, rather than overplaying the bad news you need to convey. Be sure to offer your willingness to listen. It can be helpful to offer phrases like “It seems to me,” or “I believe that,” emphasizing that this is your perception of the truth. This shows you're open to other points of view, and can help preserve trusting relationships. Here's an example: If you need to tell a friend that she has made a mistake, explain what went wrong in neutral and non-judgmental language. Focus on her strengths, her value to you as a friend and, if possible, how she can redeem the situation. Then ask for her side of the story and listen intently. But, don't tell her everything is fine if actually is not. The conversation might go like this: "Beryl, I believe you made a significant mistake on our report. I can see that you’ve been under a lot of stress with this new project. I know the mistake doesn’t reflect your talent or abilities. But, I think we should tell the client immediately and offer them a new report."

Express your feelings. People who only convey hard facts come across as cold and distant. This does not encourage trust. You may think it's easier to just regurgitate the facts as they happened, according to you. But, without a layer of compassion and understanding, people may think you are relishing another person's distress.

Being Open

Volunteer information. When an opportunity to be vague arises, consider whether it would be more accurate to provide more information. It's often a good idea to volunteer information to show that you aren't withholding information. Here's an example: In a new one-on-one relationship, one partner might ask the other: "How was your day?" The response might be: "It was alright." This does not build trust, because you haven't shared any real information. Now imagine another response to the question: “Well, I had a doctor’s appointment today. I thought it would be routine, but the doctor suspects that I might have a heart murmur. She said that she didn’t have any conclusive information, but she wants me to come in for more tests next week. I don’t know if I should be worried about this." This response suggests openness, and builds trust. In this case, your new partner would be upset to not know about the doctor’s news, even though you aren’t certain of the results yet. Omission would hurt the closeness of the relationship. This is because you might be worrying about the test all week, but your partner wouldn’t know why you were anxious. He or she would also probably want to know in case there was anything they could do to help you.

Don't omit important details. The main reason it is best not to omit important details is because it is hard to stay consistent in what you share. People will start to notice contradictions in your stories, and you will lose credibility, even if you are only omitting a little. If you really want to build trust, tell people things they need or want to know.

If you do have things that you are not yet willing to share, say so. You shouldn't have to give up your most personal feelings and secrets just to build trust. Remember, everyone feels they have a right to control their personal information. The key to being trustworthy while also maintaining your privacy is to make your boundaries clear. For example, you might tell someone: "I am not ready to share my feelings about that right now. But, I promise you have nothing to worry about." This gives your listener a chance to prove that he or she is understanding and patient. Most importantly, it also gives your listener a sense of security. It is a better choice than being vague or dishonest to avoid talking about something private.

Showing Your Integrity

Keep secrets told to you. Never tell someone's story if that person would not want it told. This is a betrayal of trust. The tendency is to let things slip when you are under pressure, tired, or not thinking clearly. If this happens, own up to it quickly, and apologize. This way, the person won't find out from someone else that you have shared their private information. It also gives you a chance to help minimize any damage you may have caused.

Display loyalty. Loyalty refers to your willingness to protect others and be on their side. This applies both in their presence and, most importantly, in their absence. Trust becomes solid when a person knows he or she has your loyalty. You can also build trust by putting the interest of another person or your relationship with that person ahead of your own. For example, you can build trust with your co-worker by staying after work to help with a project, even if you will not get credit for the work.

Keep your feelings under control. You can gain the respect and admiration of others by managing your emotions. It is hard to trust someone who's emotions are unpredictable or volatile. A study of Fortune 500 executives found that those who regulated and appropriately expressed emotions were more likely to gain trust than those who did not. For example, try not to blow up at people when they make small mistakes. This will diminish their trust in you. If you feel overwhelmed by emotion, be aware of signals you are sending. Try to diminish those signals. Unclench your fists, relax your jaw, and release tension in your muscles. Focusing on your breathing can help you manage your emotions. Try to focus your attention on the feeling of your breath. You don’t need to think about the breath or try to change it, just experience the sensation. If you notice yourself getting distracted, gently redirect your thoughts back to your breathing. If you learn to manage your emotions, the people in your life will feel that they can predict how you will act. They will view you as emotionally reliable, further deepening trust.

Avoid abusive behavior. Some behaviors will seriously erode trust and should be avoided. The following actions will undermine trust: Humiliating or degrading your partner Isolating yourself from others Threatening others or physically hurting others Completely avoid abusive behaviors. If you make the mistake of mistreating others in one of these ways, immediately apologize. Promise to do better, and honor that promise over time.

Use assertive communication. Instead of engaging in abusive or aggressive behavior, try to adopt an assertive communication style. This means directly and respectfully expressing your needs while also addressing the needs and opinions of others. Assertive communication involves saying "no" when you don’t want to do something, and also involves managing your emotions. It means sharing your feelings and opinions openly and in a way that does not belittle or bully. For example, imagine your neighbor is playing music too loudly. An aggressive approach would be to go over to his house and yell: "Turn that racket down or I'm calling the cops, jerk!" An assertive approach would be to knock on his door and calmly say: "Hey, it's getting late, and I need to go to bed soon. Would you please turn your music down a bit?" This lets your neighbor know he's causing a problem without being insulting or threatening.

Commit to altering your behavior when appropriate. If you deceive someone or otherwise break trust, make a promise to change your behavior in the future and commit to doing so. Remember, you must honor this promise consistently over time to regain trust. A promise alone will only restore trust in the short-term. An apology itself does not have any effect on long-term trust.