How to Encourage a Parent to Drink Less Alcohol

Preparing to Talk

Learn about what you're dealing with. It can be hard to identify the problem, especially if you’ve lived with a parent’s heavy drinking for years. A good rule of thumb to know when it's time to step in is if you're feeling as though (1) your relationship is affected and (2) there are consequences in an important part of the parent’s life that they are aware of, but they continue to drink anyway. Alcohol is the most commonly used drug, and the disease of alcoholism is a cause of suffering for millions of families. Even if you're not convinced that your parent's problem is very serious, it is important to be able to spot signs and understand the impact of heavy drinking on a person's life more generally.

Understand how you are affected. Being aware of how your parent's drinking affects you can help put things in perspective. For example, some teens who live with alcoholic adults become afraid to speak out or show much emotion because they fear triggering a parent's drinking. Answer the following questions to get a better sense of your involvement: Do you worry about how your parent drinks? Do you have money problems because of their drinking? Do you tell lies to cover up for their drinking? Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking? Are plans frequently upset or canceled because of the drinker? Do you "tread lightly" with your parent to avoid setting off a drinking episode? Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior? Do you search for hidden alcohol? Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?

Get clear on your feelings. Write in a journal about your feelings toward your parent's excessive drinking. This way you will be more able to talk about you and your feelings instead of them and their wrongdoings when you address the parent. If you have a good grounding in how you are affected by the drinking, you will be less likely to back down if your parent tries to deny your concern. To imagine how the talk will proceed, you may want to translate these feelings into a letter addressed to your parent. Writing in letter form will help you see what your inclinations are so that you can decide whether or not you are taking the best angle possible.

Anticipate responses. The responses that come from being confronted about problem drinking are often predictable. This is because there are only a limited number of ways that to protect oneself from the truth of having a habit that harms others. Seeing in advance where your parent might take the conversation will help you present your worries with more confidence. The following are responses that you might hear: “It’s just a phase. I’m only drinking more now because I'm upset about ___.” “Leave me alone, it’s none of your business.” “My doctor says it’s okay.” “I’m nervous these days and I need the alcohol to calm me.” “It doesn’t matter. Nobody cares if I live or die anyway.” “I just drink because I’m lonely."

Form realistic expectations about your request. Often times, sincere promises to cut down or to stop drinking altogether do not pan out. This might happen even if your parent wants to heed your encouragement. It can be incredibly difficult to temper an addictive habit. Protect yourself and make sure you don’t take it personally if your parent cannot ease up as you both intended. This can be a sign that they will need extra help to realize the goal of drinking less. Don’t expect change to happen overnight or without any emotional turmoil. If you are aware that this could be a process and not just a one-time talk, you need to prepare yourself to support slower improvement than you had hoped for. Support in daily life, even if you think the issue has mostly gone away, can be key to sustaining the change.

Find support groups. Because alcohol dependency is such a widespread problem, several organizations offer confidential support groups and meetings for people living with alcohol dependents. One organization, Al-Anon is designed to support the family and friends of alcoholics. There is even a group specifically geared toward young people called Alateen that is specifically geared to young people. Alateen is not only for children of alcohol dependent parents, it can also help teens whose parents may already be in recovery. Attending a meeting before addressing your parent can also help give you a better sense of how to approach the situation.

Communicating your Concern

Address the issue. You don't need to have the perfect speech prepared because the most important thing is that you express your concern with care, gentleness and respect. These general guidelines will help you avoid common pitfalls of confronting a parent about their drinking: Don’t strike up the conversation while your parent is drinking. If you know he or she typically starts in the evening, make it a point to bring it up earlier in the day. You might open with something like "I've thought a lot about something that I'd like to bring to your attention. It is difficult for me to talk about, so please be patient." This way you are presenting the issue as a mutual struggle rather than an accusation.

Drop the drama. Resist using dramatic gestures like pouring a bottle of liquor into the drain. This will only make it seem like you are being forceful rather than concerned and can end up making your parent exasperated and unreceptive to what you're saying. Instead, focus on the damage that the drinking is causing in the present. Bringing up old memories can quickly spiral into a "who can remember past events best" game and causes unnecessary pain to your parent. Be sensitive to how much your parent can handle. Avoid a confrontational approach. Make sure that you do not preach, moralize, or judge the problem. If your parent denies that they drink too much, do retort by saying something like, "You may not be drinking much by others' standards, but the amount is still enough to cause disarray in our family that troubles me greatly." Also, you'll want to balance the conversation by mentioning positive characteristics that you cherish most about your parent. Contrast these by saying, for instance, "When you drink, I miss your silly side. You never crack jokes to me when you drink like you used to when I was little." Stay away from the words “alcoholic” or “addict” since they carry a heavy stigma. Even if you don't mean it, using these words may make your parent feel so ashamed that they give up on themselves and continue drinking in greater privacy.

Be direct and specific. Present only the facts of what you have observed about your parent's behavior, such as, “I’ve noticed that you drink almost a full bottle of wine over dinner” instead of, “You’re drunk all the time!” Keep the emphasis on what you notice and what you are feeling. This way it doesn't matter whether or not the parent has a problem according to some outside standards--they will see that you are concerned and cannot argue about your feelings. Also, talk about the effect of alcohol or drug use on whatever you parent cares about the most. Think about your parent's age and their current priorities so that you can show how these things (i.e. mobility, memory loss, others' opinions) are being affected.

Express love and concern. Because it’s easy to interpret concern as criticism, your parent might be resistant and angered by your plea for them to drink less. You will be tempted to hear their anger and unwillingness and to respond in kind. Do not do this. Make sure your parent knows that you love them no matter what, and that your concern is coming from this love. For example, you might tell your parent, "the reason your excessive drinking bothers me in the first place is because of how much I love you." If they respond by saying, "You don't still love me when I drink?", remind your parent--"I do, but it becomes difficult to embrace or express it when I am upset with our home life...especially when I think a solution is in sight."

Listen, but make your cause the first priority. No matter how your parents tries to justify their drinking, stay centered on what you know to be true: their drinking is affecting you and your relationship. Because of the pain of admitting there is a problem, parents may be unable to see the truth about a situation. Problem drinkers may also try to blame someone else since this is easier than taking responsibility on their own. So, even when facing accusations about your own role in a parents drinking, know that you are not at fault. Another common tactic is for parents to try to minimize the problem by trying to convince you that their drinking habits are normal--within the boundaries of what anyone trying to loosen up would drink. It is easy to take a parent's word that their drinking is only as heavy as it is temporarily. Avoid joining in by accepting excuses or feeling at fault for their actions. This will only prolong your parent from really feeling the consequences of their behavior.

Come up with limiting tactics. To increase the likelihood of really cutting back, agree with your parent on ways that they can monitor their drinking. You might try setting a limit with them--maybe you'll only buy one bottle of liquor for the house per week. Or, come up with a code word that will signal your parent to watch their drinking in specific moments (like when the parent must drive, or is having company over). Make sure the limit is reasonable to you and your parent, and that the code word is memorable.

Suggest options for outside treatment or aid. Depending on the severity of the problem, it could be very difficult for your parent to drink less alcohol. You may want to suggest that they see a therapist or join a support group for others trying to be more mindful of how much they drink. A great list of resources for help with drinking can be found here

Creating Solidarity

Check for signs that you should back off. It can be very empowering to help a parent effect a major change. But, putting too much pressure on your parent can cause them to feel stunned, guilty, and even angry about the role reversal. If your parent is already getting help or has cut down on their drinking significantly and you are still nervous, it might be a sign that you are too focused on changing their drinking habits. This can create another reason to drink--now they are feeling guilty and emotionally triggered.

Offer alternative activities. While cutting out an addictive substance, it can be helpful to start up new hobbies or activities that are engaging and fun. As a way of showing your support for the change you hope to see in your parents, suggest an activity that you can do together as a replacement for a night of drinking. You might try a game night, movie night, or even a more hands-on activity, like craft-making or camping.

Relax and unwind. Taking care of yourself while trying to help a parent is crucial. Keep in mind that obsessing over whether or not your parent is drinking will just add pressure to the situation. Try to take some time to yourself by focusing on activities away from your parent, knowing that you've done what you can to encourage them.