How to End a Friendship with Your Best Friend

Distancing Yourself

Take a few days to get back to them if they contact you. Your bestie might not understand or accept what’s happening, so it’s possible that they will start calling, texting, and messaging you more when you stop communicating with them. If this happens, don’t pick up the phone and don’t respond to texts or social media messages right away. Wait a few days to get back to them, and then keep your responses brief. If they ask a question that can be answered with a yes or a no, respond this way and don’t offer any other information. If they ask you something requiring a longer response, keep it as brief and impersonal as possible.

Make excuses for why you can’t hang out. Your best friend might try to make plans with you when you start distancing yourself from them. If this happens, make an excuse for why you can’t. Say you already have plans, you don’t feel well, you have homework, or anything else you can think of to get out of it. Don’t offer an alternative time either, just make the excuse and leave it at that. For example, if they ask what you’re doing over the weekend, try saying something like, “I’m busy this weekend. I have plans with my family.” If they try to get you to suggest a time to hang out, try saying something like, “I’ve got a lot going on right now, so I can’t really make any plans.”

Be less accommodating towards them if you can’t avoid hanging out. Your best friend might be used to you doing whatever they want. If this is the case and you can’t get out of seeing them for some reason, then flip the script on them and become very unaccommodating. This may cause them to dislike spending time with you and decrease their interest in doing it again. For example, if you usually meet them at their house, say that they need to meet you at your house instead.

Stick to neutral, impersonal topics when you can’t avoid conversation. Bumping into people can be opportunities for connection and intimacy, so it’s important to maintain your distance if you encounter your best friend unexpectedly. Stick to neutral topics and keep information about yourself to a minimum. For example, if they ask what’s new with you, try saying something like, “Not much.” If you don’t want to talk with your ex-bestie at all, you can always just keep walking. A polite smile and wave is fine, too, if you want to be friendly.

Stop contacting them via phone, text, and social media. If you have resolved to break up with a friend, you will need to stop contacting them altogether at some point. After you have distanced yourself from them for a few weeks, stop contacting them. Don’t call them, text them, or message them on social media. If you often bump into them on your way to work or school, take a different route. If you attend the same school or work together, ask to sit somewhere away from them. Tip: If you attend the same school as your best friend, ask your counselor or advisor to help you pick classes that your best friend will not be in.

Telling Them the Friendship is Over

Choose a neutral place to meet up for the conversation. Avoid meeting up at their home or yours to talk, but you may also want to avoid meeting in a crowded public place, such as the school cafeteria. Instead, pick a place that is neutral, such as a café or park. This will help to ensure that neither of you has an advantage. You will also both be able to go your separate ways after the conversation, rather than one of you having to leave the other person’s space. Telling them face-to-face is preferable, but you can text them if you’re worried about their reaction, such as if they have a bad temper and you’re afraid they might lash out at you.

Use “I” statements to tell them you don’t want to be friends any more. Reflect on your reasons for wanting to end the friendship. Then, tell the person why you don’t want to remain friend based on these reasons. Avoid starting sentences with “you” when you do this as this may cause them to become more defensive. For example, you might say something like, “I don’t think we should be friends any more. I feel hurt when you never ask me about what’s happening in my life.” Or, you might say, “I think we should take a break. I feel sad when you criticize my looks and pressure me to change things about myself.” “I” statements are less likely to cause your bestie to feel defensive, so it’s important to craft what you want to tell your best friend in this format.

Listen to their response, but remain firm in your decision. After you have said how you feel, they might want to respond. Be willing to listen to them, but stick with your decision. Don’t allow them to sway you if you’ve made up your mind about breaking up with your best friend. Make eye contact with them, nod your head to show you’re paying attention, and put away anything that might distract you, such as your phone. Try to keep your body language open while you listen to them, too, such as by facing them, keeping your arms at your sides, and leaning in towards them.

Avoid getting into a back-and-forth about who did what. It is possible that your best friend will want to hash out the details of why you are breaking up with them, but this is unlikely to resolve anything. If they start to drag out past arguments or a list of their perceived wrongs, stop them and excuse yourself. For example, you could say, “I don’t want to get into this because I don’t think it will solve anything.”Tip: If your ex-bestie starts yelling at you or becomes physically aggressive, you don’t have to say anything. You can just leave.

End the conversation on a positive note. Try saying something to indicate that you mean the person no ill will, even though you don’t want to remain friends. You can say something to indicate that you’ll cherish your memories together or that you will still be polite and friendly when you encounter them. Try saying something like, “I’ll always remember the good times we had together,” or “I wish you the very best!”

Feeling Better after the Breakup

Talk with a trusted friend or family member about what happened. Ask another friend or a supportive family member to meet up with you to talk or call them up. Tell them what happened and how you’re feeling. If the person is friends with your ex-bestie, make sure that they feel comfortable talking with you about the breakup first. After breaking up with your best friend, you might need to talk things over with someone you trust.

Eliminate them from your social media feeds. To protect yourself from seeing your friend’s images and posts, unfriend them or at least unfollow or mute them on social media. They will likely do the same with you, so don’t feel bad about it. You might even consider taking a break from social media for a few weeks or longer. This will eliminate the chance that you’ll stumble on a post they’re tagged in or a post that reminds you of them. Seeing your ex-best friend’s pictures and posts every day will make getting over the breakup even harder on you.

Make plans with other people to keep yourself busy. Make plans with other friends and family members to occupy your newfound free time. Plan fun activities that you will be excited about doing. For example, you could arrange for a group of friends to go bowling or mini-golfing with you over the weekend, ask your family to accompany you on a hike, or join a local club or special interest group to make some new friends. Open yourself up to new connections and new friends who might share your interests, hobbies, and life direction. Having things to look forward to will help you to feel better and keep you busy. Tip: Keep in mind that it may be a while before you make a new best friend. It’s not possible to rush friendships, so try to be patient.

Avoid gossiping about your ex best friend. Your other friends might be curious about why you and your best friend broke up, but there’s no need to get into it. This could lead to awkwardness and make your other friends feel like you expect them to pick sides. Instead, come up with a simple way to explain what happened if people ask. Try saying something like, “We just don’t spend that much time together anymore.”

Set a goal that you can work towards to occupy free time. Try setting a personal, professional, academic, or fitness goal for yourself and identify ways that you can work towards it. For example, if your goal is to finish writing a book that you started, commit to writing every day for 30 minutes. If you want to get a promotion at work, take on extra tasks and volunteer for special projects to set yourself apart from your coworkers. Having a goal can be a good way to focus your attention and avoid dwelling on what happened between you and your best friend.

Look for any lessons you can learn from the experience. Reflect on the friendship and what killed it to identify things you might do differently in the future. For example, if you broke up with your friend because they were really negative and it rubbed off on you, you might gravitate towards more positive people in the future. Or, if you broke up with your friend because they were really clingy and you needed space, then you might seek out friends who are more independent. Breaking up with your best friend is a difficult process, but you can learn and grow from it like any other experience.