Surviving the Breakup
Be sure that you want to break up. Pay attention to your gut instinct. Your relationship doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should have an overall positive effect on your life. If you have an unhealthy dynamic with your partner, or if you just have the nagging feeling that the relationship has run its course, it may be time to say goodbye. If your partner puts you down, gets jealous when you see your friends, or makes you do all the traveling when you visit each other, your relationship probably isn’t healthy. Notice if you find yourself dreading visits or avoiding phone calls with your significant other.
Think about whether you can break up in person. If you live halfway around the world from your boyfriend or girlfriend, traveling to break up with them might not be practical or possible. However, it’s more respectful to break up with someone face-to-face, and saying goodbye in person will give you and your soon-to-be-ex a better sense of closure. The longer you’ve been with your long-distance partner, the more important it becomes that you break up with them in person. If you can’t break up in person, have the conversation over the phone or a video call. Whatever you do, avoid breaking up by email or text.
Consider what you want to say ahead of time. Think about why you want to break up, and decide how you’ll break the news to your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’re worried about getting emotional or forgetting what you want to say, ask a friend to help you practice by role-playing the conversation with you.
Be kind, but firm. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend why the relationship isn’t working out for you. Use “I” phrases instead of "you," and avoid criticizing them or blaming them for your decision to break up. For instance, don’t say, “You don’t make enough of an effort to stay in touch.” Instead, say, “I feel lonely when we don’t talk for days.”
Stick to the facts. Keep a cool head and avoid letting your emotions get the better of you, even if your boyfriend or girlfriend takes the breakup hard. If they try to talk you out of your decision, remind them again why your mind is made up. Don’t let the conversation turn into an argument. For example, you might say, "Even though I really love you, the long distance aspect of our relationship doesn't provide the kind of connection I need and want from a relationship." Arguing might give your ex false hope that they can talk you into getting back together in the future. You might say, "I know you don't feel the same way, but I am certain about my decision."
Practice self-care. If you are the person being dumped, you may be overwhelmed by sadness, confusion, or rejection. If the other person has expressed a desire to end the relationship, you have no choice but to respect their wishes. Take this time to care for yourself and heal emotionally. If you can, take off a few days from work or school and visit family or friends to put yourself in a new environment. Do things that make you happy like shopping for a new outfit or watching your favorite movies. Try writing in a journal to help express and sort out your feelings about the break up.
Seek help if you have trouble moving on. If you have trouble coming to terms with the breakup, it might help to see a school counselor or therapist in your area. Sometimes, breakups are hard to move on from. You may need professional help to come up with ideas to keep yourself busy, or start afresh after ending a relationship. At your first visit, you might explain, "My long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. She wasn't a part of my everyday life here, but I still feel so empty and alone. I need help."
Processing Your Emotions
Give yourself time to grieve. It takes time to get over the loss of a relationship. Your ex was a significant part of your life, even if you didn’t see them in person every day, and it may take a while to get used to life without them. Let yourself feel sad, and go easy on yourself if you’re feeling less focused or productive than usual. Don't rush the grieving process. If you're worried about sitting around being downtrodden, pick a day on the calendar as your "deadline." Get out all the sadness or frustration, and choose to "move on" after this date. Try to identify one thing every day that makes you feel happy. It could be a small bird landing on your windowsill, or someone giving you a compliment. Consider writing these down in your journal — a collection of these may help lead you toward healing.
Lean on family and friends for support. It’s common to feel lonely and isolated after ending a long-distance relationship. Reach out to your loved ones for emotional support and a sympathetic ear. Your friends and family can help build up your self-esteem and take your mind off your ex. You can ask a friend, “I’m having trouble letting go of my relationship. I know you have been through this before. How did you get over the loss of your long-distance relationship?” Or you might find that you just want to spend time with people you enjoy and who make you happy and not discuss your ex. Remember that it's your choice.
Find creative ways to let your feelings out. Breakups have been a source of artistic inspiration for thousands of years. You don’t have to be a professional artist to appreciate the benefits of venting your feelings creatively. Writing, drawing, dance, and other forms of expression can help you channel your emotions constructively, and you might even pick up a new hobby along the way.
Remind yourself why breaking up was necessary. If you find yourself feeling guilty about the breakup or wondering if you did the right thing, revisit your reasons for ending the relationship in the first place. After the relationship is over, it’s easy to remember only the good times. Remind yourself that, while getting over your ex will be hard for a while, you made the right decision for your long-term happiness. If you struggle with regret frequently, make a list of all the ways breaking up has improved your life.
Readjusting to Single Life
Avoid contacting your ex. You won’t be able to get over your ex fully if you keep talking to them. Although you don’t have to worry about running into them in person, looking at their social media pages or holding onto mementos of the relationship can still interfere with the healing process. Delete your ex’s number from your phone and block or unfollow them on social media. Now isn’t the time to try to be friends with your ex. You may be able to reconnect eventually, but for the time being, give yourself at least six months to heal and move on.
Continue following a regular routine. Sticking to a familiar schedule can help you feel as normal as possible, which will lead to a faster recovery. Instead of wallowing in sadness and adopting unhealthy habits, do your best to keep your sleep hours regular, stay productive at school or work, and maintain any other habits you had before the breakup. If part of your regular routine was talking to your ex at a certain time, you'll want to find something to do instead. Try calling a close friend or making that the time when you go practice your pottery skills.
Stay healthy. Eating well and working out can help you feel better physically and emotionally. Instead of slacking off at the gym and indulging in treats, take the opportunity to care for your health by choosing nutritious foods and challenging yourself during your workouts. Mood swings are exactly what you don’t need after a breakup, so avoid sugary foods. Instead, choose whole grains, vegetables, and lean sources of protein, which will help keep your mood and energy levels stable. Cardiovascular exercise, such as running or swimming, is a great mood booster because it prompts the body’s release of “feel-good” chemicals called endorphins.
Distract yourself with a new hobby. After your breakup, you’ll probably find yourself with more free time than you had before. Put that time to good use – sign up for a class, join a club, or start working on a project you’ve always wanted to do. Using your time productively will help you avoid moping about your ex, and new activities are a great way to make new friends.
Connect with people. Spending time with friends is a tried-and-true way to get over an ex. Seek out new friendship with interesting people and strengthen existing bonds. Make plans to get together with people in your social circle and play a game, see a movie, or visit a new restaurant. Reach out to one of your friends and say, "I've been thinking about signing up for a Zumba class. It looks like such fun! You want to join me?" If you want to expand your group of friends, pursuing new hobbies is a good way to meet people with similar interests as you. Look on sites like Meetup.com, which brings people together based on various interests, like hiking, cooking, or learning a new language.
Apply what you’ve learned to your next relationship. You don’t have to let a past relationship haunt you forever, but you can use the experience to make your next relationship better. After you’ve had some time to process the breakup, think about what it taught you, whether positive or negative. You’ll be more likely to repeat what worked, and less likely to make the same mistakes again. You might find that the relationship itself was the problem, or you may realize that long distance relationships don't work for you. Or, you might even become clearer about what kinds of "ground rules" you would need in a relationship that had some long distance components in it. For instance, if you realized that you got hot and heavy too soon in this relationship, be sure to pace yourself next time around. You might even set up rules for taking things slow, such as not meeting the family until a certain time or waiting to become physically intimate.
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