How to Recognize You Aren’t a Priority to Your Partner—and How to Become One

• You may not be a priority if your partner wants everything on their terms and expects you to do all the effort in your relationship.
• Tell your partner how they can make you feel like more of a priority, and thank them when they step up for you.
• You can also improve your relationship by setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs.

Signs You’re Not a Priority

You feel like you’re still single. When your partner isn’t prioritizing you, it’s easy to forget you’re in a relationship. Your partner should make you feel treasured, so it can be heartbreaking to feel like you’re still alone. Try talking to your partner about what’s making you feel so alone, and what you’d like to change. “Going so long between dates makes me feel like we aren’t a real couple. Could we schedule weekly date nights?” “It makes me sad that we don’t text everyday. Would you be open to increasing our communication?” “Sometimes I feel like we’re still just friends. What does a relationship look like to you?”

Your partner won’t label your relationship. Sometimes people hold off on labels because they’re just having fun. At the same time, your partner might be super into you, but they’re just afraid of commitment. In that case, they may really care for you and value you, even though they’re struggling to label your relationship. Try asking them how they’d prefer to label what you have together. “I’m having so much fun with you, but we haven’t really talked about labels. I was wondering how you feel about that?” “I was telling my friends about how amazing you are, and I realized I didn’t know what to label you. Would you be comfortable with me calling you my boyfriend?”

They ignore your needs. When your partner doesn’t show up for you, it can leave you feeling lonely and neglected. In fact, this is a form of emotional abandonment. You deserve a partner who’s attentive to you, so definitely have a heart-to-heart with them about how you feel. “I feel like I’m always there for you when you have a bad day, but I’m not getting the comfort I need from you. Can we talk about this?” “I really need daily check-ins for me to feel good in a relationship. I’ve noticed that you sometimes go a few days without replying to me, and I was wondering if we could change this.”

Plans have to be on their terms. Someone who cares about you will make time for you. If your partner expects you to always adjust to fit their schedule, it’s a sign they might not think of you as a priority. Try explaining to them that this arrangement isn’t working for you. “I’ve realized that you only want to go out when it’s your idea. I’d really like for us to start doing things I like to do. How do you feel about this?” “It seems like all of our dates revolve around your schedule. I’d really appreciate it if we could start making plans that are convenient for both of us. Would this be okay with you?”

You haven’t met their friends or family. When someone you’re dating won’t introduce you to other people in their life, it’s called “pocketing.” There are several reasons your partner could be pocketing you, and some of them are totally innocent. For instance, maybe they're just worried you won’t be impressed by the other people in their life. Talk to your partner to see if they’re open to making introductions. “I’d really love to have a group hangout so I can meet your friends. What do you think?” “I’ve been thinking of having a Halloween party so we can get our friend groups together. Thoughts?” “I feel like we’re at the point in our relationship when we should meet each other’s families. What do you think?”

They’re often late or stand you up. Your time is valuable, so showing up late is a sign of disrespect. At the same time, it’s also possible your partner is going through a difficult time. Bring up the issue by offering to support them if they’re struggling. “I’ve noticed you’ve been late to our dates recently. Is everything going okay with you? I’m here if you need to talk.” “It really hurt when you stood me up on Friday. What happened?”

You’re putting all of the effort into the relationship. A relationship should be a balance of give-and-take. If you’re doing all the giving, your partner may not be making you a priority. You deserve someone who fills your cup as much as you fill theirs, so set some expectations for your partner. “I’ve been planning all of our dates lately, and it’s been a bit overwhelming. I’d really like to have you plan some of our dates, as well.” “Lately, we only talk if I initiate a call or text. Would you be open to taking the lead more often?” “I feel like I’m there for you, but you’re not there for me. I’d really appreciate it if you could listen to my problems sometimes.”

Your partner downplays special occasions. Every couple has their own way of celebrating special days. You don’t have to have a big celebration, but it’s nice to mark the occasion. It’s possible your partner doesn’t realize these days are important to you. Try talking to them about what you’d like to do to celebrate your special occasions. “I don’t expect you to buy me a present for every month that we’ve been dating. But it’d make me so happy if you sent me a text saying, ‘Happy 6 months!’” “It really bummed me out that you didn’t do anything special for my birthday. I was hoping for at least a card or maybe a small gift.”

They only want to get physical. Sexy time can be super fun, but you might expect more. In fact, many people need emotional intimacy to feel fulfilled in a relationship. If your relationship is based on sex, you might feel lonely or distant from your partner. If this is the case for you, ask your partner if they’d be open to getting close emotionally. “I really love our physical relationship, but I was hoping we could get closer emotionally. How do you feel about that?” “We have such amazing sex. Would you be open to taking our relationship to the next level?”

You feel like they’re using you. Sometimes your intuition tries to help you out. If you have a bad feeling about your relationship, you might be right. At the same time, it’s possible you could just be going through a rough patch with your partner. If you're worried, here are some signs your partner could be using you: Your partner is no longer interested in getting to know you. You’re afraid to be your full self around them. You feel like you have to hide your achievements. Your partner’s actions differ from what they say.

Talking to Your Partner

Wait until you’re both calm to discuss the issue. It’s hard to have a productive conversation while you’re upset, so pick a time you’re both feeling good. Then, bring up your relationship. “Hey, I was hoping we can talk about something that’s been bothering me.” “I’m having so much fun with you, but there’s something I think could be better.”

Explain that you don’t feel like a priority. Your partner may not even realize that you feel like you’re on the back burner. Telling them how you feel might turn your whole relationship around. On the other hand, it might help you realize that your partner can’t give you what you want right now. Either way, be honest about what you need. “You’re so important to me, but lately I don’t feel like a priority to you. Would you be open to working on our relationship?” “I think we really have something between us, but sometimes I feel neglected. Are you open to making me more of a priority?”

Listen to your partner’s perspective. Your partner may have a really good reason for focusing on other priorities right now. For instance, they might have a really demanding work or school schedule, or they could be struggling with stress or personal issues. Be open to what they have to say. Hearing and validating your partner's perspective is important for good communication and a healthy relationship. Until you know why your partner isn’t prioritizing you, try not to take their behavior personally. It’s possible it has nothing to do with you.

Tell your partner what you expect in a relationship. Your partner may think they’re giving you everything you need. Be direct with your partner about what you want. It’s okay to ask for what you need, and your partner may even appreciate your openness. “I need you to text me more often so I feel like we have a good connection.” “I want you to listen to my problems as often as I listen to yours.” “I really want you to plan dates sometimes.” “I want us to meet each other’s friends.” “I would really appreciate it if you got me a card for special occasions.”

How to Become a Priority

Set healthy boundaries with your partner. Good boundaries help your partner understand what you expect and help you get your needs met. Write down what you want to change in your relationship. Then, establish these boundaries with your partner. “I’m not okay with booty calls. I want to go on a real date before we get physical.” “I’m not going to cancel plans to see you. I expect you to plan dates with me in advance.” “I’m not comfortable with listening to your problems if you’re not going to listen to mine.” “I’m happy to split the bill on dates or take turns paying. However, I’m not okay with paying for everything myself.”

Schedule dates in advance. Your partner may genuinely have a busy schedule, so they need you to work around it. However, you shouldn’t have to drop everything to meet up with them. Prioritize your relationship by arranging your date nights in advance so you can take both of your schedules into consideration. You might schedule your dates a month in advance so you can fit them around both of your own responsibilities.

Limit how often you’re available to them. Ideally, you and your partner should both be giving and taking the same amount. That means you should both make time for each other equally. Stop giving your partner more time than they give you, and see if they’ll step up their game. If not, they may not be able to give you the time you need from them. Make plans that don’t include your partner, and stick to them. Go out with friends, hang out with your pet, or take an online course. Your partner isn’t owed all of your time.

Prioritize your own needs and goals. Give yourself the time and energy you’re hoping to get from your partner. Tend to your emotional needs, and show yourself some compassion. Additionally, set some goals for yourself, and start taking steps to achieve them. Try engaging in a hobby or taking a class. You might work toward earning a degree or getting a new job. Spend some time on self care, like doing an at-home spa day.

Start conversations about meaningful topics. Intimate conversations can draw you and your partner closer together, which solidifies your relationship. Focus on getting to know each other better. You might ask each other deep questions and see where the discussion goes. “Where would you go on a dream vacation?” “Do you think there is life on other planets?” “What does your favorite song mean to you?” “Would you prefer a long summer or a long winter?” “What’s your dream job?” “What exotic animal is most interesting to you?”

Invite your partner to try new things with you. New experiences are a fun way for you and your partner to connect, which helps solidify your relationship. Make a list of new things you’ve both always wanted to try, then plan a few exciting dates. You could try: Rock climbing. Taking a cooking class. Going for a walk on the beach. Eating at a new restaurant. Singing karaoke. Doing an escape room. Solving a murder mystery.

Show appreciation for your partner. When you express your gratitude, your partner feels valued and is more open to building a relationship with you. Tell your partner when they do something you really like. In addition to making them feel good, you’ll also reinforce behaviors you like when you show appreciation. “I really appreciate the good morning texts you’ve been sending me.” “You planned such a lovely date night! Thank you so much.” “I really appreciate you listening to me tonight.”