Speaking Respectfully to a Transgender Person
Use the right pronouns. When someone is transgender, you should call them by the pronoun they prefer. It's best to ask a person their pronouns, rather than assume them. Trans women usually have "she/her" pronouns. Trans men usually have "he/him" pronouns. Nonbinary, genderfluid, or agender people use various pronouns, such as "they/them," "ze/zim," and others. "Sex" usually refers to a person's biology, while gender refers to their identity. Some people use multiple pronouns, but this doesn't necessarily mean that any pronoun is okay. For instance, someone might use "she" and "they," but not "he."
Call them by their chosen name. Always use the name a person calls themselves. Most transgender people prefer that you never mention their previous name. Even if you knew someone by a different name in the past, it's not okay to drop that name in conversation. Don't ask what their former name was if you don't know. Many trans people refer to their previous name as a "deadname:" a name that is dead and no longer relevant to their life. When telling stories about someone in the past, use their current name and pronouns, or none at all. Reader Poll: We asked 542 wikiHow readers who've experienced gender dysphoria, and only 9% of them agreed that the best way to deal with it is by getting gender-affirming surgeries. [Take Poll] Simply having friends, like you, who respect their identity and call them by their chosen name and pronouns can go a long way in making them feel validated.
Use gender-appropriate terminology. Refer to someone using honorifics (sir, ma'am) and other gendered language appropriate to their gender identity. For instance, if you are speaking about a trans woman, call her a woman. If you address her in a formal setting, call her "ma'am." Try using neutral language when addressing a crowd. Instead of saying "Ladies and Gentlemen", try "Distinguished Guests", or "Ladies, Gentlemen and others". That being said, don't go out of your way to assert their gender. Avoid using more gendered language than you normally would. There's no need to tell your transmasculine coworker that he looks "handsome" every single day, or always refer to your transfeminine friend as "girl!" This can sound condescending. If you are referring to a person who goes by "they," avoid gendered language altogether.
Treating a Transgender Person with Common Courtesy
Apologize if you mess up. If you say the wrong name or pronoun, or use wrongly-gendered language, correct yourself and say that you're sorry. It's better to apologize immediately if you can. Stay calm—if you get flustered, you are more likely to make the same mistake again. Take a deep breath. You might say, "I'm sorry, 'he.' I apologize." If you miss the chance to apologize in the moment, find a private moment later to say that you are sorry. You might say, "I just wanted to apologize for using the wrong name for you earlier. There's no excuse: it won't happen again."
Don't out them to others. Some transgender people are "in the closet" in some parts of their life. That is, not everybody knows they are transgender. This could mean that people back at home don't know their gender identity and still use their dead name, or it could mean that current acquaintances assume they are cisgender. Avoid making references to their transition in public. Don't tell other people that they are transgender.
Think twice before you ask personal questions. While you may be curious about the details of someone's gender journey, it may seem invasive if you ask questions about it. If your friends brings up a detail, you can probably ask. Until then, it's better to avoid queries that relate to their body and their past. Most transgender people don't want you to ask if they have had (or plan to have) gender-affirming surgery. EXPERT TIP Lily Zheng, MA Lily Zheng, MA Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant Lily Zheng is a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Consultant and Executive Coach who works with organizations around the world to build more inclusive and innovative workplaces for all. Lily is the author of Gender Ambiguity in the Workplace: Transgender and Gender-Diverse Discrimination (2018) and The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise (2019). Lily earned her MA in Sociology from Stanford University. Lily Zheng, MA Lily Zheng, MA Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant Our Expert Agrees: Don't pry about personal information regarding things like medical procedures or family relationships, and don't gossip about these matters if you do know about them. If the person offers up information about themselves and their transgender identity during a conversation, you may respectfully ask questions and discuss the topic. Otherwise, avoid putting them on the spot.
Avoid evaluating their gender presentation. While you may want to be helpful, or encouraging, the most respectful thing you can do if you know a transgender person is to trust them to express their own gender. Don't give feedback about how they look or whether or not they "pass" as a person of their gender. Try not to comment on how successful they are at "passing" as their gender. Don't say, "I would never have known you were transgender," for instance. If you imply that someone is successful if they don't appear transgender, you're implying that there's something wrong with being transgender. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. For instance, you should never tell someone they would "pass better" if they dressed differently or took hormones. While it seems like a compliment, many transgender people don't want you to call them "brave" for being themselves. For example, think about having a sibling with a developmental disability. You likely wouldn't want to be called brave for simply being their sibling. It's just a part of your reality and your identity.
Treat them like a person first. Gender may be an important part of someone's identity, but it's not the most important part of your relationship with them. Treat them like you would treat anyone else. Don't make unnecessary references to their transition. If they want to talk about it, they'll bring it up. Find common ground, such as hobbies, places you've lived, or shared interests, and talk about those things with them.
Being an Ally to All Transgender People
Recognize cisgender privilege. People who are not transgender or nonbinary are called "cisgender." Being cisgender means you rarely have to worry that people will mistake you for a gender that feels wrong. It means you are unlikely to experience familial rejection, unemployment, social isolation, or physical violence because of your gender identity. While some transgender people do not experience any of these problems, many do. Transgender people are at an outsize risk of physical violence from others. Due to physical attacks and familial rejection, transgender people experience high rates of suicide attempts. Recognize that being cisgender means that you avoid a lot of issues that transgender people have no choice but to face.
Speak up if you hear transphobic statements. Be a good ally and stand up for transgender people. If you hear someone putting down someone in your life, speak up and say that you respect that person and don't want to hear them insulted. If someone uses a slur or makes a joke or a prejudicial statement about gender-nonconforming people, tell them you are offended. You might say, "I don't appreciate you calling my friend a "tr*nny." You don't know what her life is. You should check yourself before you start putting down people based on their gender." But also, be aware that some transgender people do like terms such as the aforementioned one.
Donate to or volunteer with trans-positive causes. Your time and money can help improve the quality of life of the transgender people you know and the ones you haven't met. Transgender youth experience high rates of homelessness due to familial abandonment or hostility. Consider donating to a shelter for LGBTQ youth. Advocate for better treatment of transgender prisoners, who are sometimes placed in the wrong facility based on their assigned sex. Support affordable healthcare for gender-affirming surgery, hormones, trans-friendly gynecology, and other treatments essential to the wellbeing of some transgender people.
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