How to Stay Friends with Your Ex

Questions to Consider

Be sure you are really interested in a platonic relationship. If you want to start a friendship with an ex in the hopes that you will get back together, then you are definitely not ready to be friends. Take some time to seriously consider whether or not you are really ready to be platonic. If you are unsure of your feelings, consider this question: How would you feel if you learned that your ex is seeing someone new? If imagining your ex with someone new makes your face turn red with rage, then you are probably not ready to be friends.

Determine whether you have spent enough time apart. If the breakup is still fresh, then you should spend a few weeks, or even a few months, without talking to or seeing your ex on a regular basis. This phase is key in learning to separate the relationship from the friendship, and gives both you and your ex enough time to grieve the breakup.

Don't rush. While you may be eager to see your ex again, be aware that you might still be emotionally dependent on this person. Wait until your feelings for your ex have subsided. Focus on your hobbies, close friends, and school/work. Though it may be difficult, you will eventually learn to live happily without having constant contact with your ex.

Reaching Out

Let your ex know that you want to be friends. Once enough time has passed, contact your ex and let him or her know that you would like to maintain a friendship. Send a friendly email, text, or phone call.

Be patient. If your ex is not ready to be friends, he or she is probably still grieving the loss of the relationship. Don't get upset if this is the case. Give your ex the time he or she needs to cope with the residual feelings from the breakup.

How to Behave Around Your Ex

Make non-romantic plans. Don't meet late at night, or at a place that you used to frequent as a couple. Instead of going out to a candlelit dinner, for instance, meet for a cup of coffee.

Meet in public. This will decrease the likelihood of fighting or getting intimate with your ex.

Keep the conversation light. Avoid bringing up aspects of your old relationship, or talking about the person you are currently dating, if you are seeing someone. Instead, talk about what you have been up to lately, mutual friends, plans for the future, and/or current events in the news or pop culture.

Be friendly, but not flirtatious. While you want to be nice to your ex, try not to be overly flirtatious or suggestive. Dress appropriately. Everybody wants to look good in front of their ex, but dressing too provocatively will send the wrong message.

Things to Avoid

Don't have sex with your ex. This will undoubtedly lead to the question of getting back together, and will sabotage your chance of establishing a platonic friendship.

Don't fall back into old patterns. While maintaining a friendship with anyone, ex or not, requires occasional contact via phone or computer, don't start texting or calling your ex on a daily basis. This will inevitably create a false hope of getting back together.

Know when you back off. If either you or your ex is getting too attached and old feelings start to arise, then don't force the friendship. This is probably a sign that the breakup is too fresh, and that you need to spend more time apart.