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Coming Out
Work on understanding and accepting who you are. Explore your identity and keep in mind that the first step in coming out and telling your friend that you love them is being comfortable with your own feelings. Because of societal pressures and expectations related to sexual orientation and gender identity, this isn’t always an easy process. Work on getting more comfortable in your own skin so that you can be strong and confident when you come out.
Choose the right time and place. Consider how you would like to come out to your friend. Remember, there’s no “right” way to come out. Just do what is most comfortable for you. You can make a big announcement or just casually slip it into conversation. Things you may wish to consider: Decide if you would rather tell your friend individually or in a group setting. Think about places you’d be comfortable telling your friend. Consider a place or activity you both enjoy; for example, getting coffee, playing tennis, taking a walk or while at your favorite pizza place. Give your friend enough time to ask questions and respond to you. Make sure they’re able to be focused on what you’re saying to them. For example, you might not want to tell them between classes or if they are running late for an appointment.
Talk to your friend about your sexuality. Before you share the romantic feelings you have toward your friend, you want your friend to know that you are gay. Come out to your friend before you tell them you are in love with them. Give them a few weeks to process this news first. It is best to just come right out and say it: “Matt, I’m gay” or “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay.” Try not to get yourself worked up over it and wait for the “perfect” moment. Do your best to speak clearly, even though you might be nervous. It might be more stressful to have to repeat yourself!
Pay attention to their reaction. This will help you determine if you want to move forward in sharing your romantic feelings at a later point. They may be happy for you, freaked out, or somewhere in between. They might want to talk to you a lot about it, or they may just say, “Okay, that’s cool,” and change the subject. Answer their questions. They may ask you how long you’ve known, if you’ve told anyone else, how you’re feeling, or how they can help you. Be honest and open with your friend. It is possible that your friend had suspicions, and if so, will probably say they aren’t surprised.
Consider how you will handle a negative reaction. Hopefully, your friend will respond positively to your news, but there is a chance that they will not. Be prepared that it might not be received well. If your friend gets angry or upset about the news, you could say, “I’m sorry this has made you upset. I hope you can support me anyway. This is who I am.” Then give your friend some space to process the news. Your friend may just need a little time to accept the news. Remember, it likely took you a long time to come to accept who you are! You can extend the same patience to your friend. If they are not supportive and continue to remain unsupportive, you will probably not want to continue the friendship. This will be painful, especially if you have romantic feelings toward the person, but you do not want to be in any type of relationship with someone who does not accept you for who you are.
Stop right there. In this moment, it’s very normal to have feelings of fear, isolation and shame, but you may also feel liberated, courageous and happy, especially if your friend was supportive and enthusiastic about your coming out. There are a lot of emotions for you to process and work through, and this is a lot of news for your friend to process as well. Don’t drop another bombshell on them just yet. Wait a few weeks to determine your next steps, to allow your friend to process your news and for you to see how they take it.
Consider coming out to others. If you haven’t already, it is a good idea to tell others that you are gay, too, besides just your friend. Pick a few people you know and feel comfortable with to tell first. Do your best to stay hopeful and optimistic and remember that whether people’s reactions are positive or negative, you are a worthy, valuable person. Above all, make sure to go at your own pace and always do what is best for you during this time.
Figuring Out if Your Friend Will Be Receptive
Talk to someone. Talk to another person besides your friend to help figure out what you are feeling, and to figure out what steps to take. The listening ear of another close friend or a trusted mentor may help you clarify what you want to do. Ask for your friend/mentor’s perspective on the situation, and what they would do if they were in your shoes. You could ask, “What would you do if you were gay and had a crush on your friend?” If you and your confidant have this friend in common, he or she may be able to help you figure out how your crush will take the news. Of course, you want to be talking to a person you trust, who will not be spreading your personal business to others. You probably don’t want your crush to find out your feelings from someone else. For example, you might say to a mutual friend, “I think I have feelings for Tom. I really want to tell him, because we’re such great friends, and I think we would be such a good couple. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What do you think? You’ve known him as long as I have, and I’d appreciate your point of view.”
Observe your relationship. After you tell your friend you’re gay, pay close attention to their behavior when they’re around you for a while. Keep in mind that their initial behavior towards you may not be their genuine feelings towards you, especially if your announcement was a shock to them. You may want to wait a period of weeks or months before you take the next step. Watch their body language around you. If they are leaning towards you, smiling, or even acting flirtatiously toward you, they may be receptive toward your feelings. Conversely, if you find them moving away from you or not making eye contact, they still may be adjusting to you telling them you’re gay. You may want to wait until they are more comfortable with you, or not say anything at all.
Consider your friend’s sexuality. If you know for a fact that your friend is straight or has another sexuality that is not compatible with yours, it might not be worth the risk of ruining a friendship by sharing your feelings. If you are unsure of your friend’s sexuality, or think it is more fluid, you may want to tell them you’re in love with them.
Decide if you want to tell your friend your feelings. Telling someone you are in love with them changes the nature of the relationship. Consider that there is a risk of ending the friendship. There is also the chance that your friend will have feelings for you. Think about your friendship. Do you think your friend would still be friends with you if you said you were in love with them? Would it be okay if your relationship if you disclosed your feelings? Would you begin a romantic relationship with your friend, even though it risks a breakup down the road?
Consider different scenarios. Think about several outcomes of your conversation and decide how you would react and handle the results. Also consider how you would feel if you decided to keep your feelings about your friend to yourself. Your friend may respond warmly to your announcement but not be interested in having a romantic relationship. Would you be able to handle still remaining friends, knowing it will not go any further? You may want to imagine your worst-case scenario, and determine if revealing your feelings is worth the risk of a negative outcome: ruining your friendship or your friend gossiping about you, for example. Imagine how you think you would feel keeping your secret. Do you think the feeling would subside as time passes, or as life changes (for example, if you move away)?
Imagine the worst possible outcome in your mind, and decide if it is worth the risk. You may decide it is, because you want to be open and honest with your friend. On the other hand, you may have a hunch that your friend doesn’t feel the same way as you and decide to wait.
Telling Your Friend You are in Love with Them
Decide how you want to tell them. Make sure to talk to your friend privately. Choose a time and place where you can have a private conversation. Have your conversation in person if at all possible. It is easier to determine their reaction than via phone or text. Do not talk to your friend while you are intoxicated. It might feel easier, but your friend will not take you seriously. You could also consider writing your friend a letter to express your feelings, if you are too nervous to do it in person.
Talk about what your relationship means to you. Share your history and your friend’s importance in your life. Help your friend to understand where your feelings come from. You could say, “We’ve been friends for a long time. Your friendship means so much to me, and I can’t thank you enough for supporting me after I came out. We have so much fun together, and I really enjoy being with you.”
Share your feelings. Let your friend know that you are in love with them (or have a crush on them, whatever language you want to use). Acknowledge that this might be awkward or uncomfortable for them. For example, “I am in love with you. I know you might think this is really weird, but I want to be honest about my feelings for you.” Say you thought for a long time about telling them because you were worried it would ruin your friendship. For example, “I have wanted to tell you for a long time, even before you knew I was gay, but I waited because I didn’t want to drop all these bombshells on you at once. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I also decided I wanted to be honest with you.” Express how sharing your feelings makes you feel. You could say, “I am so scared to tell you this because I am scared you don’t feel the same way, and that I am ruining our friendship by sharing this with you.”
Be patient with your friend’s response. Your friend might not know what to say. Let them know it’s okay if they don’t want to say anything right now and want to think about it. You could say, “I’m sure that was really overwhelming to hear. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now. But I would like to know what you think.” Keep in mind that your friend may never respond directly about their feelings for you. They might not feel the same way, or they are confused, or they are uncomfortable. If so, let it go and move on. You said what you needed to say, and the ball is in your friend’s court.
Make peace with whatever happens. Be proud of yourself for sharing your feelings. Telling a crush you like them is a big deal no matter what, because you have made yourself vulnerable and shared a very deep part of who you are with them. It takes a lot of bravery to do this, so hats off to you! Give your friend some distance if your announcement did not go over well, and accept that it’s what they need to do right now. Your friendship may or may not rebound from the pronouncement of your feelings. If your friend does not want a romantic relationship, it may take time before things feel “normal” again between the two of you. If your friend is not interested, you may find yourself moving on anyway. You have gotten this off your chest and now feel freer to pursue other romantic opportunities. You may be less heartbroken than you think.
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