Getting Ready to Tell Your Partner
Acknowledge that the relationship will change. Prior to telling your partner, understand that the relationship between the two of you will be different after you tell them. Depending on the extent of your gambling addiction, you may have done things that you are not proud of and that will hurt your partner. Just be prepared to face any relationship changes. The change doesn’t necessarily have to be negative. However, you may have to work through some hurt and distrust from your partner. Before you tell your partner, make a commitment to the relationship and making it stronger as you both deal with your addiction.
Determine what you want to say. Telling your partner about your addiction may be a very stressful situation for you. To help you when you are telling them, prepare what you want to say ahead of time. Practice what you want to say with a trusted friend, family member, or your therapist. Write down what you want to say. You can write an entire speech, or you may want to make bullet points of things you want to make sure you cover. Writing down your ideas and having them with you may help if you get in the heat of the moment and are too upset to think straight.
Be prepared for all reactions. When you tell your partner about your reaction, you should prepare for any reaction. Because gambling addictions can lead to serious financial and legal consequences, your partner may have a negative reaction. Your partner may have feelings of shock, outrage, concern, fear, or confusion. Whatever the reaction, be prepared for them. Your addiction affects both of you, so you should respect and be understanding of your spouse’s reaction. Your partner may not be understanding or what to help you at first. Realize it may take awhile for your partner to come to terms with your addiction.
Telling Your Partner About Your Gambling Addiction
Choose an appropriate place and time. When you decide to tell your partner about your partner about your gambling addiction, you should make sure that you do it at a good time and place. You need to make sure there is plenty of time to go into everything or answer any questions that your partner has. Choose a private place where you won’t be interrupted. Remove all distractions from the room. Talk when both of you have time. The conversation may take a long time, so make sure you don’t have to go to work or an appointment around the time. EXPERT TIP Tiffany Douglass, MA Tiffany Douglass, MA Founder, Wellness Retreat Recovery Center Tiffany Douglass is the Founder of Wellness Retreat Recovery Center, a JCAHO (Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations) accredited drug and alcohol treatment program based in San Jose, California. She is also the Executive Director for Midland Tennessee at JourneyPure. She has over ten years of experience in substance abuse treatment and was appointed a Global Goodwill Ambassador in 2019 for her efforts in residential addiction treatment. Tiffany earned a BA in Psychology from Emory University in 2004 and an MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Organization Behavior and Program Evaluation from Claremont Graduate University in 2006. Tiffany Douglass, MA Tiffany Douglass, MA Founder, Wellness Retreat Recovery Center Expert Trick: There's no easy way to tell a loved one about an addiction, but if you need help, try asking them to go to a therapy session with you. Then, you can broach the subject in a safe, secure place, and your therapist can help you navigate the conversation. Also, it may help your loved one feel more secure if you're able to tell them that you already have a treatment plan in place.
Be honest about your addiction. You should be honest about your gambling addiction. Tell your partner about how you have gambled, debt you have accrued, and lengths you have gone to gamble. You may not want to reveal everything at once, but don’t lie or try to hold things back. This is a moment for you to get everything out into the open. Say to your partner, "I have a gambling addiction. Because of this, I have gotten into some debt." Talk about the emotions that go with your addiction as well. This may help your partner to feel some empathy for you and be more understanding. For example, you might say something like, "Gambling is an escape for me. When I am feeling sad, frustrated, or lonely, I want to go to the casino. It helps me to ignore these feelings for a while, but they are still there after I leave."
Listen to your partner. Your partner will probably have a lot to say after you tell them about your addiction. You should actively listen to them without judgment. Your partner may express fears, have questions, or voice concerns. Your partner may get angry or be confused. Listen to what they are saying. When your partner has questions, answer them to the best of your ability. Show them that you understand what they are saying.
Apologize for any hurt you have caused. Your gambling disorder may have caused a lot of hurt for you and your family. You should acknowledge any problems you have caused or hurt you have caused for your partner. Apologize for things that you have have done to them. Don’t ignore past hurts because you are embarrassed or they are painful. Acknowledge them now so you can move past them, you both can start to heal, and not dwell on them in the future. For example, you can say to your partner, "I apologize for my actions due to my gambling. I am sorry I caused you any pain."
Detail your treatment plan. You should tell your partner the treatment plan you are on to help your gambling addiction. Explaining that you are getting help, or you want to take the steps to get help, will help show your partner that you are serious about making a recovery. Your treatment may include rehab, support groups, psychotherapy, and lifestyle management techniques. Also let your partner know if you take any medication.
Let your partner know about any other addictions. Many times, gambling addiction comes along with other addictions, such as substance abuse. If you are suffering from something else, like alcohol abuse, share that with your partner at the same time. Explain what you are doing to treat and recover from that addiction also.
Share your triggers. You may have certain situations that cause you to want to gamble. These triggers may be situations, people, places, or substances. You should make your partner aware of these triggers so they can help you avoid them and manage if you have to face them. You should also discuss how you have eliminated triggers or what measures you take to deal with triggers when you encounter them. For example, your triggers may be stress, boredom, or having cash in your pocket.
Suggest therapy. Because of any problems due to your gambling, you may benefit from going to couples counseling. Couples therapy can help you work on issues in your relationship that need to be resolved. A professional counselor can help you if you are having trouble moving forward in your relationship on your own. You may also suggest that your partner go to a support group. They can try a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting, or find a meeting in your area for the loved ones of those facing addiction.
Seeking Support From Your Partner
Commit to treatment. A gambling addiction may bring up a lot of distrust and issues in the relationship. One thing you should do to help resolve the issues in the relationship is to demonstrate a commitment of to your treatment. This is includes going to all of your therapy sessions, meetings, and following other lifestyle changes. Your partner may be skeptical that you will follow through with your treatment based on your past behavior. The more you follow your treatment and continue down the road to recovery, the more reason your partner will have to trust you.
Develop a plan for relapse. With an any addiction, a relapse is possible. Slip-ups and minor lapses are common during the road to recovery. You and your partner should talk about the possibility of a relapse. If you have a relapse, there should be a plan in place, including treatment, rehab, and financial matters. Discuss what a relapse will do to your relationship. Ask your partner if they will stand by you in a relapse, and what boundaries should be put into place should a relapse occur.
Ask for support. Recovering from addiction is a very difficult process. It is difficult to do it alone, so you need your partner’s support to help you get through the tough times. Ask your partner if they would be willing to support you and be there for you as you work through your recovery. Discuss how you will need your partner and what role your partner will play if you have a slip-up or lapse. Being accountable to your partner can help you want to fight harder to recover and overcome your addiction. You may want to say, "I could really use your help while I recover. It’s not going to easy, but I hope you will be there for me even if I have bad times or slip-up."
Set boundaries. You and your partner may need to set boundaries due to your gambling addiction. These boundaries may include open access to your financials and check-ins to discuss your accounts to check for debt. Your partner may want you to let them manage all the finances, including your own, until you have successfully gone through recovery. Your partner and you may agree that they will not help you if you get into any more debt or legal trouble due to your gambling. They will help you work on a plan for you to pay your debt, not bail you out or pay your debt for you. You might set a boundary by saying something like, "If I gamble again and get into financial trouble, I do not want you to help me out. If I ask you to help me out, please tell me "no" and remind me that I asked you not to help me."
Ask for help with your debt. Because of your gambling addiction, you may be in a lot of debt. When you tell your partner about your addiction, you may want to ask for help coming up with a plan to pay your debt. Avoid asking for money. Instead, ask for helpful suggestions and solutions for your problem. Though your partner may be angry or hurt by your past behaviors, ask them to be part of the solution. Ask for their input about things and how they think you should proceed. Ask your partner to help you seek legal or financial advice if needed. You may say, “I would like you to help me come up with a plan to repay my debt. I think your input would be valuable.”
Prepare for them wanting to separate the finances. Because of your financial troubles, your partner may want to set up separate finances. This may include cancelling any joint credit cards or bank accounts and taking over the payment of the bills. Your partner may need to first take care of debt accrued in their name or on joint accounts. Try to understand that your partner is looking out for their needs as much as yours.
Spend more time with your partner. As you are working through your recovery, you should make a vow to spend more time with your partner and your family. This can help you stay away from situations that may trigger you, or to get into situations that may lead to gambling. For example, you may agree to spend every Saturday together, or you may decide that weekends are set aside for family time.
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