What Does It Mean to Identify as Cupioromantic?

• Someone who is cupioromantic often desires a romantic relationship, but does not usually feel romantic attraction.
• Cupioromanticism is a micro label that falls along the aromantic spectrum.
• A cupioromantic might want a relationship for reasons other than romance, such as the intimacy, passion, and exclusivity that comes with a relationship.
• Signs you might be cupioromantic include not having many or any crushes, only liking the idea of romance in fiction, and avoiding people you think might want a relationship.

What does cupioromantic mean?

A cupioromantic is someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction but who wants a romantic relationship. The term “cupioromantic” is a micro label that falls under the larger category of “aromantic,” which is a blanket term that describes someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction for others. Cupioromanticism and aromanticism are romantic orientations which are identities based on a person’s romantic attractions. This is different from one’s sexual orientation, which relates to sexual attraction (the desire to be sexually intimate with someone). Another word for cupioromantic is “kalosromantic.” “Cupioromantic” is formed from the Latin word “cupio,” which means “I desire,” and “romantic.”

Signs You May Be Cupioromantic

You want the perks of a relationship, just not the attraction. It’s completely valid to want a relationship with someone for things like a feeling of closeness, passion, and exclusivity. You just might not want all the romantic feelings that come with it. If this sounds like you, then you might fall under the category of cupioromantic.

You’ve had few or no crushes in your life. Since a lot of people who identify as cupioromantic are also aromantic, having little or no experience with having a crush can be a sign that you’re cupioromantic. Not really understanding what all the hype is about when your friends talk about their crushes or romantic interest can be another sign.

You think romance is great in the movies, just maybe not real life. You could be totally on board with romance and romantic relationships when they’re portrayed in novels and movies, but actually picturing yourself being the recipient of all those romantic gestures might not sit with you right. You might still want a relationship, but just maybe can’t picture yourself getting super excited about the romance part.

You don’t experience the physical symptoms of “falling in love.” Maybe you’ve tried dating, or are even in a relationship currently. Even if everything is going great, you still might find that you’re not falling head-over-heels in love with the other person. And believe it or not, the feeling of falling in love and being attracted to someone does come with physical symptoms, so if you don’t feel any of them, this might be a sign that you don’t feel romantic attraction. Some physical effects include: A rush of euphoria or giddiness A sudden burst of energy Increased heart rate Tense muscles or trembling

Romantic gestures are a big turn-off for you. Getting flowers and chocolates, going on fancy dinner dates, and getting sappy love letters are all things you might find unappealing or just completely over-the-top. To you, a relationship doesn’t need such big and cheesy gestures to be just as special.

You value platonic relationships as much as (or more than) romantic ones. While you may want a romantic relationship, you might also consider your relationships with your friends and family just as, if not more, fulfilling and important. You might also be perfectly happy even if you don’t end up in a romantic relationship. Additionally, you might also find the idea of a queerplatonic relationship appealing and more suited for you than a romantic one.

You feel attracted to your partner, but not in a romantic way. There are many kinds of feelings of attraction that go beyond romantic attraction. Just because you may want a relationship or are in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean it’s because you’re romantically attracted to them. You may even feel guilty about not reciprocating their romantic feelings. Just remember that your wants and desires are just as valid as anyone else’s. Other types of attraction you might feel: Sexual attraction: a desire to have sexual contact or showing sexual interest in someone. Aesthetic attraction: when you appreciate the appearance or beauty of a person, but not in a sexual or romantic way. Sensual attraction: wanting physical contact with another person but not in a sexual way, such as hugging or cuddling. Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone usually because of their personality rather than their physical appearance. Intellectual attraction: a want to engage with someone in more of an intellectual manner, such as through conversation or debate.

You tend to ghost people if they started hinting they want to date you. When someone asks you out, you might feel a sense of indifference or even dread. This might lead you to just stop talking altogether, since you probably can’t picture yourself being involved romantically with them.

You've been told that you're emotionally unavailable. You might not really get the difference between romantic and platonic feelings. Therefore, you may not bother to distinguish between the two, since it’s not a priority. So when others come to talk to you about how they have all these romantic feelings for someone, you may come off as emotionally unavailable or dismissive. A partner might have also accused you of the same thing, especially if they were expecting a different reaction from you after they confessed their romantic feelings for you.

You don’t know how to flirt or react to someone flirting with you. Someone’s attempts to flirt with you likely go right over your head, since you’re not expecting them to be interested in you like that. If you do notice someone flirting with you, you might feel really uncomfortable and will do what you can to escape the situation. You’re also usually never one to try and flirt and would rather just have a nice conversation. You might go so far as to avoid places where you might be the target of someone’s advances, such as a club, a big party, or even a casual gathering between a larger group of friends.

Dating as a Cupioromantic

Communicate openly and honestly about what you want in relationships. Many cupioromantics pursue a romantic relationship for reasons other than romance. They may want someone to have children with, may want someone to marry, or might want the passion, commitment, and a sense of closeness with their partner. However, oftentimes they feel little to no romantic attraction to their partner. To avoid any misunderstandings, it’s crucial that such expectations are discussed before really getting into a relationship. Even though they may not feel romantic attraction, a cupioromantic can still favor the idea of a romantic relationship and the various benefits that come with it. A cupioromantic might choose to be in a queerplatonic relationship (QPR), which is defined as a relationship that goes beyond what’s considered the cultural norm for friendship but is non-romantic. It can include what a society might consider to be “romantic” elements, such as sex and exclusivity. Someone who is cupioromantic may still want a sexual relationship. Someone who is cupioromantic can still experience sexual desire for other people, they just might not feel anything romantic for them.

Cupioromanticism and the Aromantic Spectrum

Cupioromanticism is just one romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum. The various romantic orientations on the aromantic spectrum all relate in that they often don’t feel romantic attraction, or may feel it in very specific situations. However, each identity has its own unique characteristics, and it’s important to know what makes cupioromanticism stand out on its own. Cupioromantics differ from aromantics in their desires for a romantic relationship. Someone who is aromantic might feel very little or no desire for a romantic relationship and might view it more as an obligation. On the other hand, a cupioromantic might actively seek out and desire this kind of relationship. A demiromantic can feel romantic attraction after forming a close emotional bond with someone. Both a cupioromantic and a demiromantic might seek out these close bonds and intimacy, but in the case of someone who’s cupioromantic, this generally doesn’t lead to them feeling any romantic attraction. Romantic attraction fluctuates for someone who is greyromantic. As opposed to many cupioromantics, someone who’s greyromantic might still feel romantic attraction. However, this feeling of attraction is often rare, not incredibly strong, and can pop up in strange or unexpected circumstances. The opposite of cupioromantic is lithromantic, which is someone who feels romantic attraction but doesn’t want a romantic relationship.

Supporting Someone Who Identifies as Cupioromantic

Ask informed questions to learn more about a cupioromantic’s experiences. Being open-minded and showing your eagerness to learn more is one of the biggest ways you can become an ally to someone who identifies as cupioromantic. Continue looking into cupioromanticism and other aspects of the aromantic spectrum to learn more and ask thoughtful questions that steer away from promoting stereotypes. Some good questions include: How did you know you were cupioromantic? Have you found a community or other people you can talk to for support? What are some of the biggest misconceptions about you’re identity that you’ve had to deal with? What can I do to be a better ally to you?

Show support for any relationships they're in, romantic and platonic alike. The concept of amatonormativity states that humans all share the common goal of finding an exclusive, romantic relationship and all want a romantic partner. However, this just isn’t the case for some people, particularly among folks who identify along the aromantic spectrum. Don’t go into a conversation assuming that someone is looking for a relationship, and keep an open mind about how others might prioritize the relationships in their life. Remember that sexual and romantic attraction are two separate experiences. A common myth is that people who are aromantic or who identify along the aromantic spectrum are also asexual. While this can be true, it’s not a universal rule. A person’s experience with aromanticism and asexuality is individual to them, so try to avoid assuming. Princeton’s Gender + Sexualtiy Resource Center offers a helpful explanation on the topic.