Understanding Men: Lesson 1 - Talk Is Cheap

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It's never been easy...being a woman through the ages. And it's even tougher now...especially if you're single. What with the pressure to find a man -any man and the positive dearth of eligible men,why isn't there a guide to knowing men? The Venus Mars books work only for aliens. Women need a definitive guide when it comes to the urban man.

So here it is...

That old cliché your momma talked about...? The one about men being strong and silent and women being delicate and talkative? Well, that wasn't one of my personal beliefs. Until I met Arjun. That's not his real name of course. I mention him because he was responsible for my epiphany. It is true! Men are silent. But that's because they really don't have much to say. Unless they're well...not straight...and then you couldn't stop them from yakking unless you gagged them. As for strong, ask any woman and they'll tell you that men, most men, don't really belong to the vertebrate species.

Arjun was a prime example of a man who has nothing to say but gets away with it because even halfway decent looking men come at a premium. And when you work in a predominantly female office, all men, cretins or otherwise, are fair game.

Don't get me wrong... I don't dislike Arjun. I'm rather fond of him. And it's not that he doesn't have any conversation. It's just that it is very limited. His conversation, if you can call it that, may be classified into decent and dirty. Six double entendre witticisms constitute dirty or flirtatious talk and two sentences comprised his clean or general conversation. Any other interaction, which cannot be handled with this wide range of conversational skill, is then dealt with by monosyllabic half sentences or grunts.

And it works for him...

Ask him for a cigarette: Hey Arjun, got a cigarette?
...and he'll reply (only if you're female of course. He never speaks to men if he can help it. Why should he? They don't have breasts.)
" No...but I have a cigar"...meaningful wink and crooked smile. Funny, if you're in the mood for it, but not so funny when you want a nicotine fix and all you get is a double entendre joke you've heard a million times before.

Polite conversation is clearly a chore. He has nothing to say, no opinion to offer, not even what he's picked up from television because all he ever catches on air is FTV and cricket, when there's a match on. He watches Forrest Gump whenever it airs on TV and, I think, he models himself on the character.

"What are you saying?" And "Are you nuts!" are his conversational masterpieces. So conversations typically run as follows

A Woman: Hey Arun, what's up?
Arjun: (Suggestive wink and leer) Nothing's up just yet. Just give me time and I'll try.

A Woman: (Impatiently) yeah, yeah... Hey Smita, give me a light please?
(Comes back with a cigarette.)
You know, Arjun...I had a fight with the boss today...
Arjun: (Absently... because he's been mentally sizing up her breasts all along) What're you saying!
A Woman: Yeah...He's been molesting me for years! I finally told him I had enough of it...that I would sue him if he didn't stop and ...(pause for breath)
Arjun: (Not listening because he's having a mental conversation with the breasts...takes the pause in conversation to be his cue to speak)...Are you nuts or what?

There's a pregnant pause now. Arjun still hasn't realized he's put his feet into his mouth. But the woman, because she's a woman, has rationalized his remark as follows:
If I sue my boss, I'll be out of this job. And if I'm out of this job because I'm suing my boss for sexual harassment, then most jobs are going to be a distant dream for me...and that's why he's expressing concern with the statement: Are you nuts?!!

Thereafter conversation resumes.

A Woman: No really... I'm tired of this whole thing... Do you know what he said to me today? Recites her conversation with her boss.
Arjun (Still telepathically communing with her breasts and unaware that he's just been told a deep dark secret) What're you saying!!!!

And so ad nauseaum.

And while she's walking back, thinking it really did her good to talk it over with someone...he's checking out her butt.

This man is good!
first published:February 16, 2007, 14:40 ISTlast updated:February 16, 2007, 14:40 IST
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