Aarti Bhatnagar was extremely hassled. Her 10-year old son Vinod and six-year daughter Shalini, both were down with a viral fever, cold and cough.
The kids refused to eat, and were cranky, all day. Worse still, they had unit tests coming up at school, in which they are not doing well enough. Their father was on tour and Aarti had taken some days off from work.
The other day she brought the kids to see me, imploring me to make them alright...immediately! This was because she could afford to take anymore leave.
I explained to her that these are viral infections and that they can take anywhere from five to 10 days to disappear completely. But she wanted a second opinion.
The newspapers report illnesses like malaria and dengue, and a couple of people she knows are in already hospital due to fever. So, she got some blood and urine tests done. Ultimately, however, all reports were negative, and after a week, both her kids recovered their strength.
Let's quickly take stock of life 30 or 40 years ago; most mothers then had two to four children, on an average. And they fell sick as often as children do, today. But mothers rarely got this hassled over simple infections like a cough and cold.
If you were to ask you mother for advice, in all probability she would tell you that she rarely took her kids to a doctor for simple illnesses; these were cured using home remedies or with simple OTC (over-the-counter) medicines like paracetamol or a cough syrup.
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Lots of changes since then, especially for women living in cities. I have noticed that most women, these days, seem to be irritable and high strung, most of the time. Why? Here are some reasons.
1. You are more likely to live in a nuclear family as opposed to a joint family, which had it's own advantages and support.
2. We suffer from information overload from friends, newspapers, television and the Internet.
3. Most moms have no experience before marriage and childbirth, to handle small kids (nephews and nieces).
4. Most women work, hence they need to multi-task.
5. Most husbands are busy; they leave home in the mornings and return late in the evening. They also have business trips and hence, don't have much time to lend moms a much-needed helping hand.
6. As a child and teenager, you may have been busy with your studies and not really tuned into housework, which is something your mom took care off.
7. Financial pressures, due to multiple loans and EMIs.
8. If you are intelligent, educated and scientifically inclined, you are likely to have constant conflicts, as you are often caught between science and tradition. And where child bearing and child rearing are concerned, you may not know what to do.
9. You maybe overtly dependent on technology like mobile phones, and hence may not be able to think and work things out. Today, one can get almost anything sitting at home with just a phone call, and when this does not work, stress levels are high.
10. If you are a perfectionist, then there is usually a lot of stress
which results from wanting to be a perfect mother, wife, daughter and daughter-in-law, all at the same time.
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THE PERFECT MOM
Payal Sharma (name changed to protect identity), a mother, who consults with me, works for a television channel. Her husband is an advertisement executive, and they have a two-year old son. Payal adjusted her job in such a way that she leaves home at 7am, and is back by 3 pm in the afternoon.
Her husband Vinod takes care of the child till 11am, then leaves for work, after dropping him off at a nearby crèche. Payal picks him up after work. In this way, the husband-wife team manages their household pretty well.
Both have weekends off, and they use this time to catch up with each other. Their son is reasonably settled as well, as either parent is around most of the time. Payal also prioritises her work, friends, social commitments, parents, and hobbies so that a lot of unwanted activity is cut off, and she gets to spend maximum time with her son.
Like Payal and Vinod, to avoid or reduce stress, both partners might need to take up jobs and work with timings, which make them more productive and less harassed.
IT'S ALL IN THE HEAD
Stress is our mind and body's response to any situation, event or person; it is not the person, event or situation by itself. So, how do you help yourself get rid of it?
1. Know, understand and accept your limitations.
2. Find a good doctor, and TRUST him or her. Often, mothers are not happy with what the doctor advises, and this leads to stress and anxiety.
3. Prioritise activities, so that the most important ones get done first.
4. Time management; not only for the stressed mother, but for all of us, since time is a commodity that perpetually seems to be in short supply.
5. De-stress by taking up a hobby, yoga, meditation, music, exercise -- anything that will bring about some peace and quiet.
6. Put your faith in a higher power -- God, existence, Mother Nature, the universe, karma, destiny -- call it anything, has been known to instantly act as a de-stressing agent, for most people.
Dr P V Vaidyanathan is paediatrician and child specialist based in Mumbai.
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