Calcio comedy: Emerson reveals that he is 70!

Switzerland: AC Milan midfielder Emerson has confessed that he is a lot older than was previously thought. The Brazilian has admitted that he robbed a grocery store in Rio de Janeiro back in 1950 when he was just 12-years-old.

Back in his prime Emerson was widely regarded as one of the best holding midfielders in world football, but in recent years his decline in form and fitness has been rapid.

The Brazilian struggled during his one season at Real Madrid in 2006/07, while he has become something of a laughing stock since joining Milan last year.

Emerson is registered with the Italian league as being just 32-years-of-age, but his physical appearance and pedestrian play has suggested that he is a lot older than this.

Until now the ex-Roma man has always shrugged off claims about his age. Only a week ago, Emerson stated, “These are vicious and baseless rumours, and the next person who tries to say I am older than I am will have my fists to answer for.”

Over the weekend though, new evidence came to the fore that appeared to shed more light on Emerson’s real age.

Archive footage of Brazil’s infamous 1950 World Cup final defeat to Uruguay was released for a new documentary.

After the game at the Maracana in Rio, a 12-year-old boy, up-in-arms at his country’s tragic loss, is filmed smashing up a local groceries’ shop window before breaking in and looting the place for food.

The boy had an uncanny resemblance to Emerson, and 58 years later he has now confessed that it was indeed he who was being filmed.

“For almost 60 years I have lived with the guilt of this shameful act, and it is something that has been eating me up inside,” the anchor man said after Milan’s 2-1 friendly defeat to FK Tirana last night.

“Now it is time to come clean. I confess that I was the person who vandalised that store before stealing the eggs, fruit, and Dubble Bubble.

“I am ashamed at what I did, and nothing I say now can ever make up for it, but I was just a young boy and didn’t know what I was doing.

I was only 12, and I was devastated after Brazil lost. I saw a Brazil flag in the shop window, and that is when I snapped.”

Emerson’s confession means that it can now be deduced that he is in fact 70-years-old, and not 32.

One would have assumed that this stunning revelation would have implications on his Milan career, however Rossoneri vice president Adriano Galliani has insisted that Emerson will be staying at the club, and that he may even be handed a new contract.

“Emerson is 70? I have said many times that age is irrelevant,” ‘Uncle Fester’ declared this morning.

“Just think how much experience Emerson has that can be passed onto our younger players like Paolo Maldini and Giuseppe Favalli. He will be staying, and in fact I am thinking of offering him a new deal. He is an example to us all.”

The owner of the grocery store, who had to close his shop a year later due to his economic losses, has also been interviewed, but he insists that he forgives Emerson for what he did.

Marcos Havelange, 100, told Globoesporta: “For 58 years I have been in darkness as to who was responsible. I am pleased to finally find out.

“Emerson may have forced me to close down my business and go bankrupt, but I forgive him.”

Please note that this story is satirical.

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