He doesn’t have a lot of friends.
If he doesn't have any relationships outside of yours, it's not a good sign. A guy who doesn’t have any close friends is often carrying some baggage that makes it hard for him to connect with his peers. There’s always a shot he’s just more of an introvert who likes peace and quiet, but this is something to keep an eye out for when you’re dating. Is this a red flag? No, likely more of a yellow flag. If he’s just an introvert, it’s no big deal. If he does seem to excel in social situations though, it might point to him being a little needier than normal. Can you make it work? Yes, especially if you enjoy relaxing at home more than going out! If you do want to help him open up, just invite him to join you when you go out to hang with friends!
He lacks any social hobbies.
A man without hobbies could potentially lack confidence. A guy with hobbies—especially social hobbies—has things he cares about that drive him. He pursues goals, he puts himself out there, he shares his passions, etc. A man with no hobbies is potentially going to end up leaning on you for all of his social and emotional fulfillment. Is this a red flag? Not automatically. It’s possible he’s just content with relaxing and enjoying the finer things in life instead of always doing something. Can you make it work? Absolutely. Even if he’s not into a ton of hobbies, you can always find things to do together.
He talks about your ex a lot.
Obsessing over your ex is a sign he may not think highly of himself. If a guy is confident and secure in who he is, he won’t care about whatever guy you left in the dust. An insecure man may worry that you’re secretly still into your ex or that you’re settling for him when you secretly want to be someone else. As dating coach John Keegan puts it, this may be a sign he’s “immature” in addition to insecure. Is this a red flag? It’s a yellow flag that’s likely to turn green. This issue may go away on its own over time as he realizes you really don’t care about your ex. Can you make it work? Don’t be overly reassuring—he might just think you’re placating him. Instead, laugh it off when he brings up your ex and ignore it. Hopefully, he’ll get the message that your ex is yesterday’s news.
He’s fast to say “I love you.”
If it feels like he’s moving way too fast, it could be insecurity. It’s certainly possible that he’s just head over heels for you, but some guys will shower someone in love and become obsessed when they start dating someone because they’re scared things are going to fall apart. Just establish boundaries and make sure that you’re on board with the pace things are moving at. Is this a red flag? Probably not. It’s very normal if this gives you the ick, but if you’re into him too and it doesn’t bother you that things are moving fast, this is a benign insecurity. Can you make it work? Yes. Politely remind him that it’s early in the relationship if he drops the “L” bomb and overwhelms you with attention. He should chill out with some gentle redirection.
He needs a lot of reassurance.
Secure men shouldn’t require a lot of validation. Secure men already know they’re awesome—they don’t need any reminders. If a guy is always asking questions like, “Are we okay?” “You like this sweater?” or, “Are you mad at me?” it’s a bit of a worrying sign. He’s likely not very confident in himself and your relationship. Is this a red flag? No, this isn’t a huge deal. If it’s just a minor annoyance for you it’s not a big deal—you’re just going to be asked a lot of bad questions more often than you normally would. If it translates into anxious behavior, it could end up being more problematic. Can you make it work? Of course! Just point out that he’s overthinking things when he asks you questions like this.
He’s jealous or suspicious of your friends.
A secure guy won’t think your friends are in competition with him. An insecure guy who seems uncomfortable hanging out with your friends may feel like he’s competing with them in his mind. He may feel like there’s only so much attention you have to give and any attention you give to friends is attention you’re taking away from him. Is this a red flag? This can be a red flag if it’s bad enough. This is a tougher quality to deal with because it actively harms your relationships with your friends. If you’re willing to fight through it though, it can be remedied. Can you make it work? Yes. It may require a lot of patience and boundary-setting on your part, but if that’s a challenge you’re up for, go for it.
He cares about who you’ve been with.
Any guy asking about your “body count” is likely very insecure. Professional dating coach John Keegan points out that guys who care about your past partners aren’t comfortable with themselves. “Talking about body count is sort of a strange way to look at something. It’s like you'd want to control someone's past behavior before you ever met them. And some people could feel like it could be a sign of what the future brings with a partner.” Is this a red flag? Usually, yes. If a guy is anxious about what happened before you ever even met, it’s a big sign he might be controlling in the future. He likely isn’t ready for the kind of relationship you want. Can you make it work? It depends on how intense he is about your past. If it proves to be a chronic problem it can be a tough issue for you to solve—mainly because it’s a problem that he needs to sort out on his own.
He trash talks his exes.
For insecure guys, this is often a byproduct of their inability to let go. He’s with you now, and the fact that he’s even thinking about his ex like that is usually a red flag on its own. But the trash-talking portion of the behavior is the insecure part—it’s a sign me might be so hurt by his last relationship that he’s bringing the baggage with him. Is this a red flag? If you two just started dating and it was a longer relationship, you can write some of this off as processing. It’s a red flag if he seems to obsess over it, though. Can you make it work? Yes, but he has to do the work on his own. Feel free to ask him why he keeps bringing it up, though. You might learn more about what the problem is.
He’s hyperaware of your social media moves.
If he’s monitoring you online it could mean he doesn’t trust you. It’s normal for a guy to return to your social media pages if he’s crushing on you, but once you’re in a relationship, he probably shouldn’t be keeping tabs on you. This could be an insecure behavior—even if it doesn’t manifest as annoying behavior on your end. Is this a red flag? If he starts investigating every post for ulterior motives or questioning you about what you're sharing, it’s a yellow or red flag. Can you make it work? Yes, especially if he can ease up over time as he learns to trust you the way you deserve to be trusted.
He asks to see your phone.
An insecure man may assume you’re always hiding something. Secure guys couldn’t care less about what you’re doing when you text your bestie or scroll through Instagram. But if he thinks you might be cheating on him or lying to him, he may assume you’re up to no good on your phone. Is this a red flag? It’s probably a red flag if he brings it up out of nowhere. It means he’s been stewing on the idea for a while and still thinks it’s a reasonable request. If he can let it go or plays it off as a joke, it’s closer to a yellow flag. Can you make it work? Yes, but it may be challenging. This kind of possessiveness is often unhealthy. Be clear that if trust is an issue for him, it’s his issue, not yours.
He gives you a ton of gifts.
A lot of men use gift-giving to cope with a fear of abandonment. This is a kind of quaint manifestation of insecurity, but if he thinks he might lose you he could shower you with gifts. For some guys, this is a way of placating their fears and “encouraging” you not to leave them. Is this a red flag? Nope. It's totally fine for him to give you presents—as long as he doesn't expect something in return. Can you make it work? Absolutely, especially if gift-giving is your love language. If it isn’t, just remind him that he doesn’t have to buy your affection.
He smothers you with attention.
Insecure men are prone to overdoing it with affection. If a guy is coming on too strong and the clinginess is starting to become apparent, it’s probably coming from a place of insecurity. In his head, you might leave if he isn’t showering you with joy, so this is his way of keeping you around. Is this a red flag? It’s a green flag if you enjoy the attention. If it’s a little much, it can be a yellow flag. Can you make it work? Without a doubt! If you do want to remedy this, play it subtly; don’t get super excited or respond with a ton of enthusiasm when he’s overdoing it with affection.
He accuses you of being unfaithful.
Claims that you’re cheating are coming from a place of anxiety. This is often the most extreme iteration of insecurity. He may have fully convinced himself that there’s no way you could be honest and vulnerable with him, and he’s boiling over with so much insecurity that he can’t help but blame you for something you didn’t do. Is this a red flag? This is a big red flag. It’s normal to worry about someone being unfaithful, but being unable to look at things objectively and trust your partner can ruin a relationship. Can you make it work? Yes, but it does require a lot of effort and trust-building. Trust issues this deep can often require therapy. If you want to help him out, encourage him to see someone and get help.
He’s extremely sensitive to criticism.
Guys should be able to brush off some gentle corrections. If you ask a guy to stop leaving the toilet seat up at your place and he loses his cool, it could be a sign that he’s secure in who he is. Is this a red flag? This is a yellow flag. It has less to do with you than the other red flags we’ve looked at. This is usually just him being unhappy to be himself. If you can handle that, it’s not the end of the world. Can you make it work? Of course! This kind of twitchiness is often more annoying than it is deal-breaking.
He never brings up his grievances.
If he never volunteers that something is bothering him, it’s a bad sign. It is extremely normal for people to have things that bother them in a relationship. It’s healthy to calmly and productively discuss your issues with your partner. But if a guy is insecure that you’re not going to stick around, he may avoid conflict entirely and never express what’s on his mind. Is this a red flag? Often, yes, this can be a red flag. It’s certainly possible that he genuinely isn’t upset about anything, but if he is and he isn’t sharing it, it will likely lead to trouble. Can you make it work? Yes. Just cultivate an open and accepting environment for him. He’ll slowly warm up over time.
He fights off compliments.
Normal, secure guys should lean into the things you love about them. If a guy actively argues with you when you try to compliment him, it’s a sign he might have a very low sense of self. In his head, he’s so unworthy of love that there’s no way you could seriously be telling him that you like something about him. Is this a red flag? No—it may be annoying but it isn’t usually a massive deal. Can you make it work? Yes. Just build him up and show him you care in whatever way you can. Hopefully, you can show him that he actually is worth celebrating and loving.
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