How Does a Narcissist Respond to Rejection?

They feel betrayed.

Narcissists believe they have a right to your allegiance. When you don’t provide them with the loyalty and admiration they think they deserve, they can feel hurt and betrayed. Narcissism comes from a place of deep woundedness, and rejection can unearth those wounds. These feelings of hurt might not be understandable to a narcissist themselves. Instead of accepting that rejection is a normal thing to be upset about, a narcissist might deny it and insist that they’re not upset, even if their behavior tells a different story.

They act like they’re unaffected.

Showing vulnerability is extremely difficult for narcissists. When they’re hurt by rejection, many narcissists cultivate a posture of “defensive independence,” meaning that they pretend like they don’t need anyone else in their life. In truth, narcissists need other people more than they know—who else can provide them with their supply of admiration? But to maintain this act, they might tell other people things like: “She doesn’t matter—there are a ton of other girls that are into me and are way hotter.” “I don’t care about his friendship. He’s boring anyways.” “I don’t want my daughter to call me. I’ve got enough problems of my own.” Remember that a narcissist’s dismissal of your relationship to them says more about them than it does about you. If a narcissist says something like this, chalk it up to their own insecurities, and try to move on.

They shift the blame.

If a narcissist finds out why they were rejected, they’ll say it’s your fault. A narcissist is incapable of taking responsibility for their own mistakes, so they’re likely to pin them on you. This can really affect your self-worth, because they’ll try to make you feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault. They might say something like: “I didn’t do anything wrong, you just expect everyone else to take care of you.” “You’re the one who’s been selfish in this relationship.” “It’s not my fault that you didn’t communicate better with me.” When a narcissist shifts blame to you, it can lead you into unhealthy and guilty patterns of thinking. Spending time with other friends and family members who treat you with care can make you feel better and remind you of what good relationships look like.

They gaslight you.

Narcissists try to convince you that you’ve misunderstood everything. This is because they lack an understanding of intersubjectivity, that you have an experience that may differ from theirs. Because they can’t comprehend that you and they might see things a different way, they’ll try and make you feel crazy. For example: After being rejected for a date, a narcissist might say, “I don’t know how you could have thought I was ever into you like that.” If they feel rejected by a friend, a narcissist might say, “You were always trying to be my best friend, and I’m sorry I gave you a chance.” If their child rejects them, a narcissist parent might say, “I was always the best dad to you, but you were never grateful.” If someone is trying to gaslight you, it can be useful to talk to a friend you trust about the situation. They can give you an outside perspective that will keep you from doubting yourself.

They lash out.

Narcissistic rage is a common response to feeling hurt. There are two kinds of narcissists: grandiose narcissists, who are angered by challenges to their self-esteem, and vulnerable narcissists, who become enraged by abandonment. Since rejection threatens both self-esteem and fears of abandonment, a narcissist might react by becoming violently angry, shouting, or calling you names. Dealing with narcissistic rage can be very scary, and it’s important to prioritize your safety. If a narcissist is attacking you, try to deescalate the situation by telling them that you’ll revisit the conversation later, and then leave the room as quickly and safety as possible.

They try to hurt your reputation.

Tearing down others is a typical tactic narcissists use. If you’ve been in a relationship with the narcissist for a while, you may have already noticed that they have a tendency to tear you down in front of other people. Unfortunately, this behavior can continue after a rejection, and they might spread rumors about you to mutual friends or acquaintances. If someone is spreading rumors about you, try to take the high road. Doing the same thing back to a narcissist can cause them to continue to draw out their smearing campaign, so do your best to ignore what they say about you.

They give you fake apologies.

To win you over, a narcissist might make an attempt at an apology. Narcissists, however, aren’t very good at apologizing. A good apology requires an effort to understand someone else’s feelings, and since narcissists lack empathy, it’s tough for them to do this in a genuine way. They might say something like: “I’m sorry you took things the wrong way.” “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I’m sorry, but maybe you’re being a little too sensitive.” There is no reason to accept a fake apology. If a narcissist tries to smooth things over with one, say something like, “I’m not ready to forgive you at the moment,” and try to end the interaction.

They treat you better than ever before.

A narcissist may respond by trying to make it up to you. This tactic is called “hoovering,” and it’s a way that the narcissist sucks you back into a relationship when they feel like you might be slipping away. If you do get drawn in, the narcissist will return to undermining you, may eventually discard you, then repeat the cycle by sucking you back in. They might say something like, “I love and care about you so much. What can I do to make you forgive me?” A narcissist who is trying to hoover you can show genuine remorse, and say something like “I can’t believe a treated you that way. I want to earn back your trust.” They could also decide to buy you gifts to win you back. The best way to avoid hoovering after rejecting a narcissist is to not give them the chance to suck you back in. You may want to tell the narcissist that you’re no longer willing to speak to them as often, or even go no-contact entirely.

They become obsessed with you.

A narcissist might fantasize about regaining control over you. When a narcissist feels rejected, they may see getting your approval as the only way to restore the injury to their self-esteem. This can get dangerous: stalking is an extreme behavior that narcissists can sometimes engage in. If a narcissist’s obsessive behavior has made you uncomfortable, start by blocking them on social media and over text. If they continue to harass you, you might want to consider filing for a restraining order to get legal protection.

They try to take revenge.

A narcissist may try to punish you for rejecting them. They consider causing damage to your life and reputation to be retaliation for the “harm” your rejection caused them. A narcissist might choose to release intimate photos of you, spread rumors about you to your boss or coworkers, or find other ways to harass you. To stop a narcissist’s harassment, consider taking legal action. Since a narcissist doesn’t respect boundaries, it may be the best way to ensure your security. If a narcissist has escalated their abuse with threats to your physical safety, please contact the police. You have a right to live free of abuse and threats.

They move on to someone else.

If you’re not available, a narcissist will seek admiration from someone else. Narcissists can sometimes move on very quickly after being rejected as they look for their next potential supply source for admiration. It’s painful, but for a narcissist, your only purpose is to serve them. If a narcissist moves on a little too quickly after you reject them, think of it as a blessing in disguise. Your life will be a lot freer and more peaceful without having to attend to their needs.