How to Avoid Being Played

Signs You’re Getting Played

They "love-bomb" you and get clingy suspiciously fast. Players pretend to catch feelings fast, complimenting you excessively and flattering you with constant attention to get you to fall for them. If they start telling you how much they care deeply about you before you really even know one another, this behavior could be an act. They want you hooked, so you'll stick around when they start acting like a player. A player might call every night, text all day, and perhaps even fall asleep on the phone with you at night right at the beginning of the relationship. They might also want to spend as much time together as possible. Players might also give you an affectionate nickname like "babe" or "cutie pie" to make you feel more connected to them. Early in the relationship, stick to your personal schedule and limit the number of weekly dates to 1 or 2 if your date seems overeager. Take your time. They won't try to monopolize your time if they're serious!

They talk about sex early on in the dating process. Players tend to be more interested in sex than they are in you; they might ask you about your sex life, the people you've slept with, or proposition you right on the first date. Although they may be naturally curious about it, talking about your sex life early on isn't essential to building a good, genuine relationship. Some players might even try to seduce you before you've even had the chance for a proper date. While this is perfectly fine for a casual fling, it's not a good sign if you're looking for a long-term relationship. They might suggest that being intimate right away will help you get to know one another, but that's likely a sign that they're looking for a hookup—not a relationship.

They make extreme promises but don't follow through. Players love to make dramatic, romantic declarations designed to steal your heart and make you think they're the one. However, a partner's actions are more important than their words. A player will loudly vow to treat you right—but a genuine person would simply do it without making the declaration. For example, a player might say, "I would never treat you like that," or "I'll take care of you forever!" Those are sweet things to say, but their actions should always back up their promises.

They ghost you for long periods of time. After turning on the charm, a player will suddenly stop answering your calls and texts consistently. They might leave you hanging for days at a time, sporadically texting you and then not answering for long intervals. The point of texting and calling is to build a stronger relationship—so someone who drops you without a word is probably a player. It's okay if someone leaves you hanging once or twice and comes back with a valid reason—after all, life can be unpredictable. Think about their circumstances before assuming they're a player. For example, they're probably just busy if they don't text you for several hours during the work day.

They won't make plans or commitments. Players often appear to suddenly lose interest, leaving you to chase after them. If you're trying to schedule every date and the other person still says they're "busy" more often than not, you might be dealing with a player. However, a player will still show interest in sex, often jumping at the chance to get together for intimacy but bailing on dates. A player also has a ton of excuses for why they can't spend time with you. Instead of saying "I'm sorry," they'll make an excuse to get you to drop the issue or say you're overreacting when your feelings are justified. If you're dating a player, it'll feel like you're no longer a priority. Remember that no matter how much you liked them in the beginning, you don't deserve to feel like that!

They don't respect your boundaries. A healthy relationship involves respecting one another's physical and emotional boundaries, which players struggle to do. They'll expect you to be free when they want to hang out but won't accommodate your schedule. They might pressure you for intimacy or ask for nude photos even after you say "no." Players are only interested in their own desires and not yours. Study their reactions as well. If you say "no,” do they start to show you less interest? If this is the case, then it may be time to consider cutting them loose or taking a step back. Remember that ignoring boundaries in a relationship is never okay. Nobody should push you to do something you don't want to do—and if they try to make you feel guilty, they're not worth your time!

They won't go public with the relationship. Players won't want to be seen in public or make the relationship official on social media because they prefer to keep that "single" status and date around even after you get together. They might avoid posting pictures of the two of you or changing their Facebook relationship status, and they'll invite you to private hang-out sessions rather than public dates. Players might even be cagey about their social media and put off friending you on Facebook or following you on other platforms like Twitter and Instagram. There's always a chance that this person genuinely doesn't feel ready for a relationship—but if they're not playing you, they'll usually come out and say that. On the other hand, players just don't want to be tied down.

How to Avoid Being Played

Set clear boundaries early on in the relationship. Boundaries are important for any relationship because they define what you’re comfortable with and how you want to be treated by other people. You deserve to feel safe and respected around the person you're dating, so figure out your boundaries and tell your date about them as soon as possible. Important boundaries include your communication style, personal space preferences, desire for commitment versus a casual relationship, and expectations for physical intimacy. You could say, “I’d like to text regularly, but I don’t want to text multiple times an hour.” That way, if they don't respect that wish (either by bombarding you with texts or ghosting you), you'll know it's not a misunderstanding. Another boundary could be, “I’m happy to go on a date each week but I also need time for friends and family.” If a player tries to push for more, you’ll know they’re disregarding your personal boundaries.

Wait until the relationship is official for intimacy. Holding off on intimacy until you agree to be a couple is a great way to distinguish players from people looking for genuine relationships. Since players often want intimacy right away, they won't stick around until things become more serious between you. If your date stays invested, you'll know they're interested in you—not just sex. Move beyond the looks and charm and focus on getting to know their core values. Find out what they’re like and how they treat you and other people. Normally, there's no "right" amount of time to wait for sex. Hookups can be fun if that's what you're looking for, but if not, you can discourage players by saving intimacy for an exclusive relationship.

Take responsibility for your dating life. While a player's behavior is not your fault, it's important to examine your dating history and think about why players have gotten close to you in the past. If you've dated players in the past, there's often an underlying reason why you overlook the warning signs. You're responsible for your happiness, so take charge and resolve not to invest time in people who don't deserve it! Nobody likes being played. However, loneliness and a lack of boundaries can cause people to ignore red flags that other people catch easily. Do you give away your trust without making other people earn it? Do you give fourth and fifth chances when they're not deserved? By recognizing these patterns, you can put a stop to them.

Steer clear of people with self-esteem issues. Everyone is worthy of love, but severe self-esteem problems can lead to toxic behavior in a relationship—and you shouldn't have to deal with that. Some people with low self-esteem develop a "player" mentality; they may crave attention and affection from anyone while struggling to give you the love you deserve. Self-esteem isn't a guarantee that someone will be a player, but it's a good idea to look for the warning signs if you date someone who clearly struggles to value themselves.

Love yourself and take time for self-care. Build your self-confidence by accepting your insecurities, recognizing your many talents, and celebrating your accomplishments. Take care of your basic needs and give yourself time for fun, friends, and family. When you're confident, happy, and surrounded by a strong support system, it's harder for players to take advantage of you! Players work their charm on people who want to find love so badly that they accept and overlook unhealthy behavior. When you're satisfied with your life, a player's false promises won't seem so compelling.

Trust your instincts. There's no denying that your gut feelings are a powerful tool, even if you can't quite explain why. You might second-guess a date or repeatedly think about canceling because you're not sure if you want to go. You might even feel like your date is lying or putting on a show without being able to prove it yet. If your instincts tell you that something is wrong, listen to them.

Stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk away. Don’t ignore, justify or rationalize the red flags you're seeing. When you feel like your boundaries aren’t being respected, ask your date to stop. If they show no interest in changing their ways, you’ll know it’s time to walk away. Whether you’re dating a player or not, it is important to value yourself and choose carefully who you'll invest your time with. Be assertive and confident when you talk to your date. It’s never a bad thing to stand up for yourself! You could say, “I feel frustrated when I don’t hear from you for days. It’s important to me to feel connected to the person I’m dating,” or “I’m not ready for sex yet, and I need you to respect that.” It can be tough to walk away when you’re already invested in the relationship. Just remember that your peace of mind comes first, and there are plenty of fish in the sea.