- Be a good listener by holding eye contact with the speaker and doing your best to limit distractions, such as your phone or TV.
- Show them you’re paying attention by nodding or saying “Mmhmm” occasionally—but avoid interrupting them unless you need to ask a clarifying question.
- Avoid pressuring them to talk or asking rapid-fire questions, which could make them feel like they’re being interrogated. Let them go at their own pace.
Hold eye contact.
Return their gaze to show they have your attention. When someone is talking to you, make and hold eye contact so they know you’re taking in what they’re saying. However, avoid staring at them—blink and glance away now and again before returning back to their gaze. Studies show the ideal amount of eye contact is about 3 seconds at a time; longer periods of direct eye contact may make the other person uncomfortable.
Try to limit any distractions.
Give the speaker your undivided attention. If you’re watching TV or scrolling TikTok while someone is speaking, they’ll likely get the impression you’re not really paying attention—and you likely won’t be. Put aside any distractions to show they’ve got your undivided attention. If possible, talk somewhere where you won’t be distracted, such as your home, the park, or somewhere else quiet. A busy restaurant, for instance, may not be a great place to have serious conversations.
Show them you’re paying attention.
Indicate that you’re listening by nodding and offering brief verbal cues. You might be a great listener, but your conversation partner may not realize it if you don’t show them. Nodding now and again and offering an occasional “mmhmm” or “I see” can help them know that you care. Note that this isn’t the same thing as interrupting. Interrupting is generally considered rude, but an occasional verbal acknowledgement that you’re listening and comprehending can encourage the other person to keep talking.
Use body language to encourage the speaker.
Open body language will show the speaker you’re invested. Employing open body language and body language that mirrors the speaker’s may help the speaker feel seen, supported, and more relaxed. Turn your body toward the speaker. If you're turned away from the speaker, then it may look like you're itching to leave. If you cross your legs, for example, cross your leg toward the speaker instead of away. Avoid crossing your arms over your chest, as this may make you appear standoffish or skeptical even if you don't actually feel that way.
Try to see where they’re coming from.
Place yourself in the other person's shoes. It's easy to get lost in yourself in a conversation and to focus on how your conversation partner’s words affect you, rather than what they might be feeling themselves. But being a good listener means trying to understand where the other person is coming from, and the only way to do this is by empathizing with their perspective. As the saying goes, “You have two ears and one mouth for a reason.” In other words, try listening more than you speak. Licensed marriage and family counselor Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC, says, "Communication starts first and foremost from a desire to really listen and understand the other side. The desire to have an open mind.... The whole point of communication is to establish understanding."
Give the speaker space.
Avoid pressuring the other person to open up. If you’re talking to someone who is reserved, or if the conversation topic is sensitive, you may need to give the speaker time to feel comfortable sharing. Resist the urge to fill empty spaces in the conversation unless you have something to say. Maintaining eye contact (without staring at them) and keeping your body language open may help them feel encouraged to open up. You might also say something like, “There’s no pressure, I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Ask meaningful and empowering questions.
Thoughtful questions can foster a more constructive conversation. Refrain from probing or putting the other person on the defensive. Rather, aim to use questions as a means by which the speaker can begin to reach their own conclusions about the issues being raised, without sounding judgmental or forceful. Ask thoughtful questions that show you’re listening and offer the speaker a chance to explore the situation from a new angle. For instance, “So, he thanked you for helping him, but then he said, ‘I could have done it myself, though’? What does that mean?” This question invites the speaker to analyze the situation on their own and come to a conclusion themselves, which is more helpful than saying something like, “That thank you doesn’t sound sincere—this guy’s a jerk!”
Repeat what they say back to them.
Repetition can help the speaker feel understood. Repeating verbatim what the other person says now and again during the conversation will show them you’re really paying attention, as well as keep the details straight in your mind. While it might feel more natural to rephrase what a person says to show you’re listening and understanding, this can actually be mentally and emotionally overwhelming for you both, especially if the speaker feels you aren’t rephrasing things accurately. However, if you mishear or don’t understand something, it may be helpful in this case to rephrase what the speaker has said to make sure you’re comprehending them.
Read their body language.
The majority of human communication is nonverbal. This means that understanding how to read between the lines will help you be a better listener—even though you’re not “listening” in the technical sense. Try to be on alert for things that have been left unsaid and for cues that can help you gauge the speaker's true feelings about a situation. Notice their facial expressions throughout the conversation: do they smile a little when they talk about their crush? Do their eyebrows furrow in concern when they talk about work? Note how their body position shifts at different points—for instance, maybe they cross their arms in frustration when they talk about a fight they had with their spouse, or they wistfully play with their hair when they talk about what they want for their birthday.
Avoid comparing the person's experiences to your own.
Listen without injecting your own narrative. It may seem like a good way to show you’re listening and that you understand is to compare the person's experiences to your own, but it could actually leave your conversation partner feeling dismissed or unseen. This is especially true when you compare something really serious to your own less-intense experiences (such as comparing the person's divorce to your three-month long relationship). Even if you’re sincerely trying to connect and validate their experience, this may actually make the person feel like you're not really listening at all and are focused more on yourself. Avoid saying "I" or "me" a lot, as it’s a good indicator that you're focusing more on yourself than on the person's situation. Of course, if the person knows that you've had a similar experience, then they may ask for your opinion. In this case, you can offer it, but be cautious about acting like your experiences are exactly like the other person's.
Resist jumping into problem-solving mode.
Often, people just want someone to listen to them without trying to fix things. When someone shares a problem they’re having, it can be tempting to try to find a quick and easy solution, but this may leave them feeling as if you’re not really hearing them. Instead, practice taking in what the person says at face value, without frantically thinking of a quick fix for their problems. Often, when someone shares a problem they’re having, they’re just looking to vent and feel understood and supported—not have their problems fixed for them. Focus on absorbing everything the person is saying to you. Only after that can you really try to help—and only do so if they ask for your advice. If you want to offer help and aren’t sure if they’re open to it, consider asking them if they’re looking for simple support, or help resolving the issue.
Remember what you've been told.
Remembering the details will help you craft more thoughtful responses. If you’re really listening, it’ll be evident in the sort of questions you ask when it’s your turn to speak. Absorbing the details of what the speaker has shared will show them that you’re invested in the conversation. It's okay if you don't have a razor sharp memory. Remembering basic details—such as the names of people involved or relevant details from a previous conversation—and incorporating them into your responses will indicate you’re paying attention. On the other hand, if you keep having to stop and ask for clarification or keep forgetting who everyone is, this can get frustrating for the speaker, who may feel as if you’re not really listening.
Follow up with the speaker afterward.
Ask them about the situation next time you’re together. This will show that you’re invested, and that you didn’t just forget everything as soon as the conversation ended. If the topic is something serious like an impending divorce, a job search, or a health complication, checking in can be a great way to show you care. Try not to be put off if they don’t want to get into the conversation again when you bring it up. Just let them know you’re there for them if they ever do want to talk about it.
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