How to Cope if You Have Rejection Sensitivity

Responding to Rejection in the Moment

Remember that feelings aren’t facts. A big part of being able to cope with rejection sensitivity is recognizing when it’s happening. If you think you have rejection sensitivity, you will need to acknowledge your tendency to overreact to certain social situations. Then, it’s necessary to remember that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t make it real. Think of it like you are adding an extra step to your usual response. As soon as you start to feel the emotions associated with rejection, turn up your self-awareness. Start analyzing the situation to determine whether it’s really a rejection or not.

Pause to prevent hostility or aggression. Your sensors are trying to get a handle on the situation, and that’s good. It’s not healthy to act first and think later. People who are sensitive to rejection may respond in a more hostile way than others. Take some time to yourself in order to prevent your emotions from ruining your relationship or reputation. Take a deep breath and count to 10. Leave the environment for a few minutes, if needed. Do whatever you need to calm down and get a handle on your emotions before responding. Becoming hostile or ugly in response to perceived rejection will only make you feel more excluded in the long run.

Distance yourself from your negative thoughts. Take a moment to consciously step away from any negative thoughts that might be running through your head. Instead, focus on your emotions. Don’t try to label or analyze them – just allow yourself to feel and acknowledge them, without judgment. After a while, your emotions will begin to feel less intense, and you will be able to approach the situation more rationally.

Focus on something neutral in your environment. If you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions in the moment, it can be useful to ground yourself by taking a moment to focus on something else. Try not to dwell on what you’re feeling. Instead, turn your attention to some non-emotional feature of the situation or your environment. For example, call to mind what the other person is wearing. Think about the décor and design elements of the room. Remember what you ate for breakfast earlier that day. Do whatever you need to detach from the situation and calm down. You can also try picking something specific to look for in your immediate environment, like a color or a type of object. For example, look around and try to spot as many blue things as you can in the room.

Step into the other person’s shoes. People who are sensitive to rejection always see themselves at the center of a situation. You might think you're being rejected because of something you did, but it may not be about you. Try to come up with other explanations for why the person may be behaving a certain way. For example, if you don’t have children and you’re trying to make plans with a busy mom, she may not have as much flexibility to meet up as you do. Any rejection may simply be about her not having the freedom to make plans, or the ability to arrange for child-care at the last minute--it has nothing to do with you.

Find a sounding board. People with rejection sensitivity are so tuned into their own emotions that it may be hard to consider another perspective. Talk with someone you trust about what is going on to get an objective view on the situation. A trusted friend or family member can help you see other possible points-of-view. Ask someone, “Hey, can I get your take on this situation? I asked Jan to meet up for coffee, but she keeps making excuses. How should I feel about that?”

Ask them to explain their behavior. If, after calming yourself, you would like to gain a better understanding about the situation, pull the person aside to talk. Do so politely. This is not a confrontation, but a discussion to get a better understanding. You might say, “Hey, Jan. I’ve really been working hard to make plans with you, but it feels like you don’t actually want to get together. What’s going on here? Can you help me understand?” Keep in mind that some people use rejection as a form of constructive criticism. The person might be using “tough love” to help you learn and grow. Try asking the person for clarification and you might find that their motives were actually positive.

Use caution when communicating through text. When you’re looking at written communication, like a text or an email, it can be hard to judge another person’s tone or intent. Text-based communication does not allow you to pick up on important cues like tone of voice or body language. For example, it can be easy to misinterpret a joking comment sent over text or email as a criticism or rejection. If you find yourself getting upset over something said in a written communication, calmly ask the other person to clarify before jumping to conclusions or taking it personally.

Dealing with Your Feelings

Practice mindfulness meditation. Becoming more aware of your feelings and the control they have over you can help you cope with rejection sensitivity. Mindfulness is a great starting place. Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention to the present moment. It decreases stress and can help with the anxiety that may arise with rejection sensitivity. Start with just 10 minutes of quiet, distraction-free time per day. You can set a timer to sound when your 10 minutes are up. You can also practice mindful meditation while driving, eating, or brushing your teeth. Find a comfortable place to sit. Take several deep, cleansing breaths. Try to clear out your mind of any thoughts or judgments about what you’re doing. Focus completely on your breathing—in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your attention follow the air as it travels from the environment into your lungs and back out again. If your attention wanders, simply return to your breath. When the timer goes off, take a moment to notice how peaceful and relaxed you feel.

Be good to yourself. Rejection hurts. You can cope by spending time taking care of yourself. Nurse your emotional wounds by practicing self-care. Do things that help you feel nourished. Eat healthy, balanced meals. Engage in physical exercise. Call a friend. Go out to the cinema and see a new movie. Plant a garden with a family member. Or, check out a good book from the library.

Talk kindly to yourself. Experiencing rejection can negatively impact your self-esteem. You may start to talk negatively about yourself, saying things like "I can't do this" or "I'm not good enough." Start talking in a compassionate way towards yourself and you'll notice your self-esteem soar. Think about how you would talk to a good friend. Speak to yourself with the same respect and compassion. Choose qualities about yourself that you consider to be positive. Then, think about ways in which others would benefit from these attributes you have. For example, if you are funny, you might uplift someone who is feeling down! Now, create some compassionate statements about these awesome traits of yours. You might say, “I am an honest, caring person who deserves good friends.” Or, “I make people laugh - not everyone can do that! My friends are happy to spend time with me.” Repeat these statements aloud whenever you feel low on confidence.

Avoid self-destructive coping behaviors. Coping with rejection sensitivity can be difficult, particularly when you feel all alone in your suffering. You might be tempted to turn to activities that allow you to escape or numb your emotions. Know that using drugs and alcohol, engaging in risky sex, gambling, or compulsive shopping habits won’t make you feel any better. If you feel the urge to turn to self-destructive activities, increase your self-care practice. Treat yourself as gently and kindly as you would a friend in pain. Get a massage. Take a walk in nature or go for a swim. Run yourself a scented bubble bath. Listen to peaceful or uplifting music.

Look at the big picture. Try to put the criticism into context to determine if it is really worth worrying about. For example, you are just one out of seven billion people. Will anyone even remember you 100 years from now? How important is this criticism if you put it into the big picture of your life? It might also help you to use a picture or video to remind yourself of how big the world is and to decrease the importance of the perceived criticism. Try looking at a picture or video of the earth from space. This will help you put things in perspective.

Read a self-help book. Self-help books can offer practical techniques for dealing with your emotions in healthy and productive ways. There are many self-help methods and books on the market, so you may want to try a few and see which one works best for you. You can also ask a therapist or other mental health professional to recommend a good book. You might try: The Sedona Method, by Hale Dwoskin Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection, by Elayne Savage Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, by Guy Winch

Having Positive Reactions

Find a positive support system. With rejection sensitivity, you can easily get caught up dwelling on people who reject you and forget about those who embrace you. Make a point to spend time with people who value who you are as a person. Whether it’s friends, coworkers, peers at school, or family members, make an effort to connect with people who love and care for you. They can help balance the scales against any rejection you feel from others. If you don't have strong relationships, meet some new people. Volunteer and help out in your local community. Join an organization or club. Strike up a conversation with the wallflower at a party. Become an advocate for those who are being bullied.

Expect acceptance. People with rejection sensitivity often go into social situations expecting to get the cold shoulder. In many ways, this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you enter a situation in bad faith and with a negative attitude, you are more likely to get the same in return. However, you may start getting a more positive outcome by expecting to be accepted. When you’re entering a new social setting, tell yourself, “They’ll like me” or “I’m going to make so many friends.” You just might be surprised at the outcome.

Rethink your strategy. If you tend to receive many rejections in a particular area of life, such as in your career or dating life, you may need to examine your actions to see how you can improve. Think about it: you will never catch a fish if you’re using the wrong bait. For instance, if you are applying for jobs that demand gregariousness and you’re shy, you may not impress the interviewer. Switch tactics and search for a similar job in which it doesn’t matter so much how outgoing you are. You may just get the position.

Avoid people who consistently reject you. If you interact with people who reject you, criticize you, or put you down on a regular basis, you should consider distancing yourself from those people. Establish healthy boundaries by letting them know that their behavior is hurtful to you. If the behavior continues, avoid contact with the person if you can. On the other side of the coin, it is important to respect the boundaries of others. For example, don’t keep asking someone out on a date if they consistently say “no.” Let them know that you respect their decision, and move on.

Consult with a mental health provider. People with rejection sensitivity often have histories of abuse or neglect in childhood. In addition, there are certain mental health conditions like depression and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) that are associated with higher levels of rejection sensitivity. See an experienced psychologist or psychotherapist who can carefully evaluate your history and any other symptoms you might be experiencing.