How to Deal with Mood Swings in a Relationship

Responding to Your Partner’s Mood Swings

Control your reaction if your partner suddenly gets angry. Emotions are contagious, and it’s natural to get angry when your partner’s mood turns sour. However, try to keep your own temper in check. Take deep breaths, count, picture pleasant scenery, or sing an upbeat song in your head. Losing your cool will just feed your partner’s anger and escalate the situation. Remember, you can’t control their mood or behavior, but you can control your reaction. Out of nowhere, they might snap at you, complain, or seem to be irritated by everything. Your first instinct might be to say, “Stop acting like a jerk!” Do your best to stop, breathe, and stay rational instead of responding negatively.

Suggest you both sit and get comfortable. Getting physically comfortable could help you both keep your tempers in check. Emotions such as anger and frustration are responses to threatening situations. Sitting comfortably can make the situation feel less stressful and threatening for both of you. Their adrenaline might be rushing, and they might feel the need to move around or pace. Ask them to sit and cool down with you, but don’t force the issue if they resist. Provided they don’t break anything or become physically violent, walking around might help them blow off steam.

Speak slowly, clearly, and without raising your voice. If your partner’s in a bad mood, they’re more likely to misinterpret your words. Raising your voice, delivering personal criticism, using sarcasm, or making accusations can further agitate them. Instead, speak calmly and try to use simple, clear language. For instance, you might say, “I know that you’re angry, but this seems to be coming out of the blue. Is there something you want to discuss or anything I can do to help?” While you want to be calm and clear, try not to come off like you’re patronizing your partner. You shouldn’t raise the pitch of your voice, exaggerate your pronunciation, or speak very slowly as if you were talking to a child. Instead, speak as you would in a normal, relaxed conversation.

Let your partner know you’re willing to listen. Tell them that you’ll listen if they’re stressed out and need to vent. If they’ve been frustrated about something related to your relationship, offer to work through it. Express that you’ll hear them out, but make it clear that they need to keep their temper in check. Say, “I want to understand where you’re coming from and to do what I can to help. If something’s stressing you out, I'm here if you need to vent. I’m willing to listen and discuss anything that’s bothering you, but there can’t be any personal attacks, threats, or hostility.” Merely criticizing them for behaving irrationally or tuning them out will probably just make them angrier. If they feel like they’re being heard, they’re more likely to express themselves in a more positive way. As long as they’re not hostile, letting them express their irritation without interrupting them might help them get it out of their system. However, venting, “I’m so frustrated! You never take my feelings into consideration!” is one thing, but cursing at you, hurling harsh insults, screaming, slamming or breaking things, or threatening violence are unacceptable.

Commiserate with them, if that’s what they need. When someone’s in a bad mood, sometimes they just need someone to sympathize with them. Maybe your partner had a bad day, has a lot on their plate, or had a disagreement with someone at work or school. They might just need you to say “That really stinks. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” If, out of nowhere, they’re down in the dumps and start crying, express some sympathy, such as by holding their hand or hugging them. Listening to them vent and sympathizing with them are likely your best options when your partner gets cranky or sad out of nowhere. Even if you think they handled a situation poorly, lecturing them in the moment won’t do any good.

Withdraw from the situation, if necessary. If they're angry, and you don’t think a conversation would be productive, tell your partner you should both take some time to cool down. Stonewalling, or giving the silent treatment, can make matters worse, so don’t just walk away and ignore them. Say, “I’d like to resolve this, but I think we need to cool off before having a conversation. Let’s take some time to calm down.” After 1 or 2 hours, your partner might swing back out of their bad mood and be ready discuss what’s bothering them. You should also leave the situation if your partner threatens you, slams or breaks things, follows you around and screams at you, or exhibits other hostile behavior. Get help from a loved one, call emergency services, go for a drive, lock yourself in a secure room, or take any available action to guarantee your safety.

Discussing the Deeper Issues

Try to identify situations that trigger mood swings. If your partner’s mood swings are an ongoing issue, look for potential causes. Pay attention to what they were doing or what was going on in their life that might be at the root of their mood swings. Maybe their mood becomes erratic when they get busy with work or school. Their mood swings might occur after they’ve had particular foods or drinks, like sugary foods or caffeine. Financial trouble, illness or death in the family, and other stressful life events could also contribute to mood swings. Mood swings are also a natural part of many life processes, from being a teenager to having a baby.

Ask about underlying issues in a non-threatening way. When you raise your concerns, try not to seem like you’re interrogating them. Avoid making accusations or telling them something is wrong with them. Instead, let them know that you care and want to help. Say, for instance, “I care about you, and don’t want you to feel like I’m putting you on the spot. Is there something stressing you out or anything you want to talk about?” If your partner uses drugs or alcohol, which can lead to mood swings, try to bring up the subject delicately. You could say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more lately. Please don’t feel like I’m shaming you for it, but I’m concerned that it’s affecting our relationship.” If your partner isn’t really sure why they’re experiencing mood swings, suggest that they keep a journal to track what was going on before their mood changed.

Discuss how you can avoid pressing each other’s buttons. When partners get on each other’s nerves and bottle up their aggravation, bad moods and blow-out arguments can come out of nowhere. While you don’t want to feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, you should both communicate openly about what bothers you. Come up with compromises, and take steps to avoid aggravating each other. For instance, maybe they get annoyed when the laundry starts to pile up, and they feel like you don’t do your share. They bottle up their frustration instead of talking about it, and randomly get mad at you for no apparent reason. To prevent outbursts, you could discuss the issue and work on doing the laundry more often. Maybe they often show up late for dates without letting you know. You get upset, and make sarcastic comments or blow up at them about something minor. Instead, let them know it bothers you and ask them to give you a heads up next time they’re running late.

Set clear boundaries, but avoid giving ultimatums. If their behavior is hurting your relationship, make it clear that they need to address the issue. Express your needs and set your boundaries using “I” statements instead of making threats. Ultimatums can put them on the defensive, so avoid telling them that they must do something or else. For instance, “I want to make this work, and I need you to get your anger under control” is more productive than, “You need to go to anger management classes or else we’re done.” Additionally, avoid saying “If you don’t change, I’ll leave.” Feeling threatened and insecure can contribute to mood and anger issues. Threatening to break up can trigger these feelings of insecurity and make matters worse. If you’re really interested in fixing things, set your boundaries compassionately. End the relationship if you’re fed up or feel unsafe, but don’t use it as a threat.

Knowing When to Get Help

Seek help immediately if your safety is at risk. Take steps to guarantee your safety if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive during an outburst. If they become violent or threaten to hurt you, call emergency services, if you can do so safely. If you live together, make arrangements to stay with a friend or relative. Gather your keys, phone, important documents, money, clothes, and other necessities. If you suspect they'll be violent if you go, leave when they're not home. Memorizing important phone numbers, making a copy of your car keys, and hiding an emergency cell phone are helpful actions if they might try to prevent you from leaving.

Pay attention to the intensity and duration of mood swings. Everyone experiences occasional mood swings that might last for a few hours. However, mood swings that last for weeks and involve major personality changes might be a sign of a mood disorder, such as depression or bipolar disorder. For instance, someone might get sad, but they still get out of bed and go to school or work. Life goes on as it usually does, even if they’re in a bad mood. If your partner gets sad, can’t get out of bed, and doesn’t engage in their normal routine, it might be time for them to see a mental health professional. When they’re in a good mood, notice if they make risky or impulsive decisions, go on spending sprees, do dangerous activities, drink excessively, or use drugs. Behaviors such as these could indicate a bipolar manic episode.

Note if significant changes in energy level accompany mood swings. Look for any changes in your partner’s sleeping habits that accompany mood swings. Notice if there are times when they’re energetic and don’t seem to need any sleep. Other times, they might sleep much more than normal or be unable to get out of bed. Changes in energy level and sleeping habits can help distinguish between ordinary mood swings and signs of a mood disorder. If you notice any changes in energy levels, talk to your partner about seeing their doctor or a therapist.

Express compassion if you raise concerns about mental health. Tell them that you care about them and have started to worry about their behavior. Ask them if there’s anything going on, and express that they can trust you without fear of judgment. Mention the behaviors that concern you, and let them know they shouldn’t be ashamed about getting help. Try saying, “I care about you, and it seems like you’re going through a tough time. It might be helpful to get advice from your doctor. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a doctor or therapist about mental health. Maintaining mental health is just like taking care of your physical health.” Remember only a mental health professional can diagnose a mood disorder or any other mental illness. Don’t come out and tell your partner that you believe they have a specific disorder.

Seek couples counseling if you need guidance. If you and your partner can’t seem to make progress on your own, a counselor can offer a fresh perspective. They can also help identify and address any underlying issues that lead to mood swings. Try not to see counseling as a negative. Relationships are complex, and sometimes it takes a trained professional to work out the kinks. Seeking counseling is a sign that you and your partner are willing to put effort into your relationship.