How to Deal With Your Mother

Handling Disagreements

Make the first move. You may feel justified in expecting your mother to reach out to you, but don't be afraid to initiate contact. Your mother may want to reach out to you but not know how, or she may share similar feelings of fearing rejection. If you keep waiting for her to make the first move, don't be surprised if your relationship remains stuck. Before you decide to reach out, decide what you want to discuss first, and how you want to discuss it. Come in with a mindset of problem-solving, not accusation.

Redirect the fear. Instead of internalizing anger and fear, realize that you don't have to react. Ask yourself, “What can I do to de-escalate this situation?” It's not your responsibility to manage her emotions, nor is it your job to make her anger or frustration your problem. Acknowledge her emotions without taking them on by simply saying, “I can tell that you are upset.”

Make choices. If your mother tries to corner you into making decisions or make you feel like you don't have a choice, call the bluff. Remember that you always have choices, regardless of how powerless someone makes you feel. When you reach your point of no return, be firm on not giving in. Verbalize to your mother that you do have choices, and they are up to you to make. Thank her for her perspective, but feel free to make your own choice.

Forgive. Don't hold onto resentment. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing her behavior, pretending a situation didn't happen, or letting her 'off the hook'. Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from holding on to any resentment or negative feelings toward your mother. And the sooner you are able to forgive, the faster you can begin repairing the damage.

Handling Specific Situations

Refute her attempts to control your decisions. Your mother may try to control your life, who you spend time with, where you go, or how you do things. She may try to get her way with everything, and show her complete dissatisfaction when you go against her wishes. If you want to make your own decisions without the backlash of your mother, be resolute. When making a choice, don't allow her opinions to seep in. If you're purchasing an item, say, “This suits my needs and it is what I need.” If you're doing something she thinks should be done differently, say, “I will do it this way, which works well for me.”

Ignore her criticism. Remember that just as much as you make mistakes, your mother does, too. When she is quick to criticize your boyfriend, living arrangements, or parenting skills, it's okay to admit that you are doing your best and that you will likely make mistakes. If she points out a mistake, it's okay to own up to it. “Yes, Mom, I did make a mistake. The important part is that I learned from it.” A succinct comment can put an end to the topic. When your mom says something critical, respond with, “Thank you for your input, Mom. I'm doing my best to handle it.” You may want to have a discussion about her criticism if it really bothers you. “I don't know if you're aware of this, but I feel criticized by you often. I really want a relationship with you, but it is hard for me when it feels like you want to criticize the way I live my life.”

Deal with her anxiety. Remind yourself that being a parent is hard work, and that nobody chooses to suffer from symptoms of anxiety. Regardless, it can be annoying and frustrating to be the object of your mother's anxiety. Remind yourself not to blame your mother for her anxiety; it's not pleasant to experience anxiety. Talk to your mother and let her know how you feel. You can say, “I don't like it when you worry so much about me. It makes me feel like you don't trust me.” If you think your mother may suffer from an anxiety disorder, gently bring this to her attention in an effort to seek help. “Mom, I notice you spend a lot of time worrying. I want you to know what it feels like to fully enjoy your life, and I think that going to therapy can help you with that.”

Handle her over protectiveness. As a young child, you had no choice but to follow your parent's demands. but as you mature, you gain more and more control if you allow yourself to have control. Your mother may not want you to have more control, but ask yourself, “Am I in control of my life or is my mother in control?” It's unlikely you can end your mother's control while still pleasing her. Changing the way you interact may mean that she becomes upset that she is no longer controlling you the way she would like to. It's up to you to allow her the same interference and control or to adjust it. If you are annoyed that your mother calls you multiple times each day, make the choice whether to pick up the phone or not. If it makes you unhappy to talk to her that often, make the choice not to pick up and know that while your actions may upset it, it's okay to have control of your own life. Consider saying, “Mom, I want to be a responsible and productive adult, and I'd like to do it on my own. I'd really like your support as I mature to be independent.”

Improving Your Relationship

Practice acceptance. Realize that no matter how hard you try, you cannot change your mother or her behavior. You may have to find a way to accept her, your relationship with her, or her 'eccentricities'. Learn to accept her, in both her positive and negative qualities. If you feel like it's your responsibility to change her or for your younger siblings to have a better life, realize that it is highly unlikely you can affect her to change her behavior. It is not your responsibility.

Control contact. While this is more difficult if you live with your mother, it can be helpful when you visit if you live separate. Instead of going over to her home or having you in yours, agree to meet on neutral territory. If you meet in a public location, it can make it easier for you to leave, and may neutralize the conversation since it is generally rude to explode or behave inappropriately in public. If you don't like your mother coming into your home for fear she may criticize your possessions or cleanliness, don't invite her. If she shows up unannounced, communicate that that behavior is unacceptable to you.

Be empathic. Your mother may have a difficult time relating to your wants and needs because she lacks empathy. You may wonder why your mother would treat you this way, and it may be related to her not understanding what it feels like to be talked to or related to in the way she does with you. While the natural reaction is to be rejecting or avoidant, choose to be loving instead. Give her the empathy you wish she would give to you. When you want to react in anger or frustration, pause and respond in a kind, loving way instead.

Keep your expectations realistic. As a child, you need a lot of attention, affection, and guidance. If your mom lets you down, you tend to remember it forever and possibly hold it against her for not meeting your needs. Keep realistic expectations for your mother and for your relationship, without holding her to an unattainable standard. It can be hard to accept at times, but mothers are human, too, and make mistakes or don't meet your needs. You may want to have a discussion with your mother about your relationship. She may have an expectation to see you 3 times a week when you want to see her once a week. Knowing each other's expectations and how they differ can help alleviate some of the stress of the relationship.

Changing Your Actions & Mindset

Focus on your own feelings. Instead of blaming your mother and making accusations (which may very well be true), focus on your own feelings and how you are affected. You cannot change your mother's behavior, but you can change your reaction to her by the way you feel. Even if she dismisses your feelings, you have created your emotional boundaries to show her she is over-reaching. Instead of saying, “You are so cruel”, say, “It really hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that.”

Change your own actions. It may drive you crazy how your mom behaves, but remember that you can't change her behavior but you can change yours. If you tend to blow up at her when you argue, try responding differently, like responding calmly or not engaging her anger. See how you changing your behavior affects the relationship and how she responds to you. If your mother constantly criticizes your lack of effort in one area (say, putting away the dishes), see how she responds when you do the task thoroughly and on time.

Practice firm boundaries. You may want to set physical and emotional boundaries with your mother. It may be time to move out of your mother's home, or cut back visits with your mother. You may want to create boundaries regarding her coming into your home unannounced or cleaning for you. Emotional boundaries may include being firm in how you choose to be treated. You may say, “I want a relationship with you, but when you criticize me I need to leave because that is not healthy for me.” You may want to clearly communicate your boundaries with your mother. Say, “I do not want you in my room when I am not home, and I hope that you respect my need for privacy.”

Agree to disagree. You can fight and run in circles until you realize there are certain topics that you may never see eye to eye on, which can include religion, dating, marriage, parenting, or career choices. Learn to respectfully hear each other's opinions and then drop the issue. Accept that there are fundamental topics that you will disagree on, and leave it at that. Don't make decisions to make your mother happy when it leads to your own unhappiness; ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”

Cut contact. If you feel you are unable to change anything for the positive and having your mother in your life feels toxic, it may be time to take a break or cut ties. Consider your options if your physical and emotional health are suffering as a result of the relationship. Recognize that this is an extreme option and must be carefully considered. If your mother is a hurtful or hateful person, you are not required to see or spend time with your mother. You may want to cut face-to-face contact and consider communicating by phone or email. Ultimately, do what is best for you. Prioritize your health and happiness.