Communicating to Determine Trust
Ask your girlfriend if she trusts you. In order for any romantic relationship to work, you need to communicate frequently. The first step in finding out if your girlfriend trusts you is to simply ask her. She’ll appreciate the directness, and if the conversation goes well, the issue can be quickly settled. Try saying: “I’m happy that we’re together, and I’m developing some strong feelings for you. Before this goes much farther, though, I’d like to ask if you see me as someone that you can trust.” “I’ve noticed some tensions in our relationship recently. I’m not sure what’s causing this, and am worried that there might be a lack of trust between us.”
Note if your girlfriend lies to you. Honesty and open communication are crucial to any trusting relationship. If you notice your girlfriend being dishonest with you—including telling you “white lies” or half truths—this may be a sign that she does not fully trust you. Lies will quickly erode a relationship and tear down any trust that may have existed between two people. If you notice or suspect that your girlfriend has lied to you about an issue (big or small), politely and calmly ask her about it. Do not angrily accuse your girlfriend of having lied to you before you know the full truth of the situation.
Gauge the frequency and quality of your communication. Be wary if your girlfriend seems reluctant to communicate. If your girlfriend frequently refuses to tell you where she is for an extended period of time or does not answer your calls or texts for days at a time, it may indicate a lack of trust. Successful communication between couples is key to healthy trust. If you’re concerned about a lack of communication and are worried that it may also indicate a lack of trust, ask your girlfriend directly. Say something like, “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been talking much lately, and I often have a hard time reaching you on your phone at night. Does this have anything to do with the trust in our relationship?” If there are trust issues, a single conversation or talk won't solve the problem. Realize that this will be an ongoing subject. Let your girlfriend take her time to develop trust while fostering a supportive relationship.
Evaluating Her Behavior
See if your girlfriend involves you in major decisions. When your girlfriend asks you for input on a significant life decision, it shows that she trusts you and values your opinion. On the other hand, if she often makes substantial life decisions without asking your input, this could be a sign that she does not fully trust you or feels that your opinion is not valuable. Major decisions include, for example, a change in job or career path, a change in housing, or planning and executing a long-term vacation.
Pay attention to who she introduces you to. If your girlfriend trusts you and values you as an important part of her life, she’ll likely introduce you to her close friends—both male and female—and to her parents, siblings, and other family members. On the other hand, if your girlfriend keeps you away from the people in her life who matter most to her, you probably do not have her trust. Introductions to family members and close friends will generally take place within the first 6 months of a relationship. Don’t expect your girlfriend to make these introductions within the first few weeks of being together.
See if your girlfriend treats you with respect. In any healthy relationship, respect and trust go hand in hand. It’s nearly impossible to trust someone that you do not respect, and vice versa. If your girlfriend respects you, she’ll treat you kindly and compassionately, ask about your day, and generally show that she enjoys being with you. These behaviors will indicate that she trusts you, as well. Respect, along with many other healthy emotional connections, works both ways. You need to show your girlfriend respect in order for her to develop respect for you also.
Be cautious if your girlfriend treats you with suspicion. It’s a clear sign of mistrust if your girlfriend shows constant suspicion of your whereabouts, friendships with other women, or actions when you’re not with her. If you’re concerned by this type of behavior from your girlfriend, ask her about it calmly but directly. Signs of suspicion or a lack of trust can include: trying to unlock your phone or read your texts, reading your emails, following you when you’re out with friends, or searching through your clothing or possessions. Say something like, “I noticed you reading through some of my texts and emails yesterday. I don’t appreciate you doing that, and I hope I haven’t given you a reason to be suspicious of me. Do you feel that you can’t trust me?”
Looking for Nonverbal Signs of Trust
Watch your girlfriend’s nonverbal actions. Partners in a relationship communicate a great deal through their nonverbal signals. Signals coming from your girlfriend’s facial expressions and eye movements, gestures, body positioning and posture, and physical touch can give you a good idea of whether or not she trusts you. Trust can be communicated nonverbally through physical proximity (being near one another, especially in non-sexual moments), prolonged eye contact, warm and affectionate touch, and using a compassionate tone of voice.
Evaluate if your girlfriend’s nonverbal behaviors match her words. People communicate a great deal though body language and other nonverbal actions. You may have reason to suspect that your girlfriend does not fully trust you if she gives nonverbal signs that she’s uncomfortable around you or may be holding back from full openness and honesty. For example, if your girlfriends tells you, “I want what’s best for us as a couple,” but refuses to make eye contact, the nonverbal communication undercuts the positivity of her spoken words. For example, if your girlfriend states that she loves and trusts you but always seems tense and anxious when she’s with you (raised shoulders or eyebrows, shrill voice, and a stiff body), her trust may be insincere.
Go with your gut instinct. If you’ve spoken to your girlfriend about trust in your relationship and are still not sure if she trusts you, you may need to rely on your sense of intuition to guide you. If you feel like something is “off” in your relationship or have lingering doubts about the strength of your emotional bond, there may be a lack of trust between you and your girlfriend. Trust is not formed overnight, and you’ll need to give deep-seated feelings like trust time to form. Constant suspicion can also undercut trust or prevent it from forming, so take your girlfriend’s words at face value, and don’t treat her with mistrust.
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