Looking for Conversational Clues
Observe if your partner talks about their ex a lot. Although it is normal to bring up one's ex, frequently mentioning them may be a sign of lingering feelings. If your partner seems to be constantly mentioning their ex, it is likely that they are still on their mind. Even if they are badmouthing their ex, too much talk can indicate that they have not moved on. For example, if your partner brings up something about their ex every time you see them, they are likely still hung up on them.
Be suspicious if your partner never talks about their ex. Your partner never mentioning their ex is just as much a red flag as them talking about them all the time. If your partner is really over their ex, they should not have any problems talking about the relationship. If they refuse to talk about their ex, there are still some feelings there. If you inquire about their past relationship and your partner responds by saying something like “I don't want to talk about it,” they are still holding on to something.
Notice if your partner compares you to their ex. Whether good or bad, if your partner is constantly comparing you to their ex, there likely some feelings there. Any instances where your partner negatively compares you to their ex is an obvious sign that they are thinking about them. However, positive comments can also indicate some lingering feelings. If your partner is constantly talking about how awesome you are in comparison to their ex, they may be trying to convince themselves that they want to be with you. Look for phrases like “You are so much better at that than my ex” or “My ex always hated that.”
Identifying Suspicious Behavior
Be suspicious if they are hesitant to commit. A general unwillingness to get serious about your relationship might signal that your partner is not invested in your relationship. If they avoid hanging out with you at times, appear disinterested in what is going on with you, or refuse to put a label on your relationship, your partner might not be that into you. This could the result of their feelings for their ex. However, it could also be due to bad chemistry or some other issue with your relationship.
Notice if your partner is still close with the ex. Although it is possible to eventually develop a friendly relationship, your partner should not be reaching out to their ex regularly. If your partner still talks to or hangs out with their ex, while not committing to your relationship, they are likely not ready to move on. A continued connection may mean that your partner is more invested in their old relationship than the new one. Warning signs can be things like your partner doing favors for their ex or remaining in contact with them.
Recognize if your partner still has some of their ex's stuff. Although it is normal to have a few items around from previous relationships, your partner should not have a lot of their ex's things. If they are still hanging on to lots of pictures and other personal belongings, you might want to talk to them about it. Too many things means that they are likely holding on to the past relationships through those objects. Let your partner know that their ex's items bother you and ask them to either donate the items or return them. If they refuse to part with the items, you know that there are still some feelings.
Notice if your partner does not introduce you to mutual friends. A reluctance to introduce you to people who know your partner's ex may be a sign of lingering feelings. Your partner should want to share their world with you, including old friends. However, a reluctance to invite you to social gatherings with mutual friends or introduce you to them may be a sign that your partner has not let go of the past yet.
Observe if your partner is still close with their ex's family. Although it is normal to be on good terms with your ex's family, your partner should let those ties go after the breakup. If your partner is still talking to or hanging out with their ex's family, they likely still have some lingering feelings. There is a good chance that they are maintaining those relationships in the hopes of getting back with their ex.
Recognize if your partner keeps tabs on their ex. If your partner continues to closely monitor their ex's social media presence, they are probably not ready to move on. You might pick up on this if your partner mentions or comments on their ex's social media activity. For example, if your partner appears to get upset that their ex is in a new relationship, which they found out about online, there are likely some feelings there. You should always respect your partner's privacy and not access their social media or email accounts without their permission.
Expressing Your Concerns
Manage jealous feelings. It is normal to have some jealous feelings towards your partner's ex. This is particularly true early on in a relationship. If you want your relationship to succeed, it is important that you trust yourself and your partner. When you notice any jealous feelings towards your partner's ex, be sure to communicate them and let your partner know how you feel. You might say things like “It really bothers me when you talk to your ex” or “The fact that we always see your ex makes me feel insecure in this relationship.”
Talk to your partner. If you are suspicious that your partner is still in love with their ex, the best that you can do is be up front and ask them about it. Let your partner know that you suspect that they still have feelings for their ex and that it upsets you. They only way that you will be able to move forward and have a trusting relationship with your partner is by having a frank conversation. You might say something like “I'm concerned that you are still in love with your ex” or “Do you still have feelings for your ex?” For any new relationship to be successful there needs to be a strong foundation of trust. If you see signs that your partner is too focused on their ex, tell them how you feel. It is okay, and appropriate to ask your partner to step back from engaging in conversations with their ex, and to place more focus on you and your relationship. If your partner is trustworthy and there is no concern, then your partner should respond to this request willingly and without hesitation.
Listen to your instincts. Ultimately, you will need to listen to your instincts. If you feel that your partner is not in the relationship 100 percent, you should make a change. It is unfair to you to be in a relationship with someone who is still emotionally connected to someone else. Let them know that you need to some space to figure things out and that they should do the same. You might say something like “I think we need to take a break until you figure out your feelings for your ex” or “I can't be with someone who is in love with someone else.”
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