Reacting to the News
Listen to your girlfriend. When your girlfriend tells you that she’s pregnant, you should remember that the situation will affect her more than anyone else. Let her say what’s on her mind before you talk. She may want to express her feelings, which can range from shock to denial to joy, or a mixture of many emotions at once. If your girlfriend tells you she’s pregnant, and doesn’t really say anything else, she might be looking for a sign that you care. Show her that you do and give her a chance to express herself by asking something neutral like “How do you feel about it?”
Stay calm.Take a deep breath before responding to what your girlfriend tells you. Don’t freak out, yell, say it’s her fault, say that your lives are ruined, or anything else overly dramatic. Recognize your own emotions. You might be confused, excited, angry, happy, or feel a combination of all of these. It's ok to tell your girlfriend what you are feeling.
Let her know you care. Assuming that you will try to be supportive of your girlfriend, you should react by showing that you care about her and the situation, and will support any decision she makes. Saying something reassuring like “This is really big news, but don’t worry—I’m going to be there for you and help you with whatever you need” can be meaningful. This is especially true in cultures where pregnancy can bring shame to the family and lead to the girl getting ostracized.
Keep in contact with your girlfriend. If you want to be supportive of your girlfriend, then don’t run away or hide from her. Be there when she needs to talk, and make sure she can easily contact you when you’re apart. Keep in mind that she might need to talk more about the pregnancy later on, even after she first shares the news.
Make sure she is pregnant. As soon as your girlfriend thinks she is pregnant, she should take steps to make sure. If she hasn’t already by the time she tells you, she can start by taking a pregnancy test, which she can get at a pharmacy or many other stores. If the pregnancy test shows “positive” or “pregnant,” your girlfriend should still see a doctor to make absolutely sure. A doctor can run tests to verify that she is pregnant, and give an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is viable. If your girlfriend is pregnant and she wants to have the baby (either to parent it or to offer it for adoption), it is important that she see a doctor, who can help her and the fetus (unborn baby) stay healthy and safe during pregnancy.
Making Decisions
Learn about your options. Your girlfriend may have several options for handling a pregnancy. Before making a decision about what to do, make sure that she has good information about them. Your girlfriend may want to have the baby and parent it. This may or may not mean marriage or a long-term relationship. The two of you should discuss your long-term relationship plans in addition to the pregnancy. Your girlfriend may want to have the baby and offer it for adoption. Your girlfriend may also decide to terminate the pregnancy (have an abortion). Laws regulating when and how a woman may elect an abortion vary by state. In some states, for example, a minor can make an abortion decision on her own, while parental consent must be provided in other states. Emergency contraception (“the morning after pill”) will not work if your girlfriend is already pregnant. These medications will decrease the likelihood of pregnancy only if taken within 5 days (depending on the specific medication) after unprotected sex.
Be patient.Deciding how to handle a pregnancy, or share the news of it, can be very stressful. Give your girlfriend time to think, and don’t force her to make a rushed decision. In the meantime, help her out with whatever she needs: sleep, food, relaxation, chores, etc.
Talk about it. Maybe your girlfriend knows exactly what she wants to do about the pregnancy. On the other hand, she might be confused, unsure, or just not ready to make a decision. If she’s not sure, the two of you can start talking about your options and how to handle things. Common options for handling a pregnancy including having the baby and parenting it (as a single parent or a couple), offering it for adoption, or terminating it (having an abortion). Each of these options brings unique concerns, so your girlfriend shouldn’t rush to make a decision without getting information and thinking things through. The decision is ultimately up to your girlfriend, so you should support her without being demanding. Don’t push your girlfriend one way or another. Avoid making statements like “You need to…” or “You have to…” If your girlfriend is considering multiple options, let her know you care by saying something like “I’ll support you whatever your decision is.” If your girlfriend asks what you want to do, be honest. If the two of you don’t agree, tell her something like “I know this is a really hard decision to make. I wanted to be honest with you, but I’m willing to talk about it and change my mind if we think another option is better.” You can also offer to support her decision even if it is different from what you would have chosen.
Help your girlfriend tell others. If your girlfriend wants to tell other people about the pregnancy, like her parents or your own, be there with her for the conversation. It can be very stressful to tell others about the pregnancy, especially if you are young, and your girlfriend will probably appreciate the support. Make a plan to tell her parents and/or your own before you meet. Tell the parents something direct like: “I (or we) have some big news to tell you. [Name] is pregnant.” Give parents time to speak and react, and be prepared for them to have a range of responses. Parents might be angry, happy, shocked, upset, hurt, disappointed, concerned, excited, or feel a combination of emotions. Remember that parents’ feelings can change over time, just like your own. Most parents want to be supportive, even if they are upset at first.
Ask for help. There are many family planning centers, with varying philosophies, that can counsel your girlfriend about handling a pregnancy, and about how you can help. Family, friends, spiritual advisors, and others you are close to can also provide support. If your girlfriend wants you to go with her to get help and advice, you should do so if at all possible.
Get the information you need to make an informed decision. Becoming a parent, or the possibility of becoming a parent, involves a wide range of personal, emotional, physical, medical, and legal concerns. Even an option that seems like an obvious choice will come along with its own issues and things to deal with. If your girlfriend wants to have and keep the baby, help her decide how to plan for it, considering finances, education, work, living situations, etc. If your girlfriend wants to have the baby and offer it for adoption, help her through the adoption process and the decisions that must be made (for instance, whether or not the biological mother and father will be revealed to the child, whether or not there will be contact between the biological and adoptive parents, etc.). If your girlfriend wants to have an abortion, make sure she understands the medical and emotional risks of the procedure, and that she will be cared for afterwards. Remember that any decision the two of you make will have lasting repercussions--just different ones.
Talk it out or compromise if you don’t agree. If you and your girlfriend don’t agree on what to do, you will have to realize that in almost all cases the decision about a pregnancy is ultimately up to the woman. You can try to compromise, or work with a counselor or lawyer to find a way to agree or understand each other. If your girlfriend wants to have to the baby and the two of you do not marry, you may be required to pay child support. The two of you will also have to work out arrangements regarding custody, visitation, etc. If your girlfriend wants to have the baby and offer it for adoption, and you do not, you may or may not be able to get custody of the child (laws vary by state). If your girlfriend chooses to have an abortion, it is her decision (though she may need parental consent if she is a minor, in some states). If you oppose, however, you may be able to work with a counselor to reach an agreement.
Preparing for the Future
Care for your girlfriend if she has an abortion. The decision to terminate a pregnancy has physical and emotional consequences. You can support your girlfriend afterwards by helping her with daily tasks and providing comfort. Expect there to be some bleeding, cramps, and discomfort afterwards. If there are unusual or unexpected symptoms, such as heavy or continuous bleeding, fever, or extreme pain, help your girlfriend get medical assistance right away. Help your girlfriend follow any advice from the doctor, such as getting and taking medications, resting, etc. It is normal to have a range of feelings afterwards, or even to have mixed feelings. However, if you think your girlfriend is suffering in some way (depression, stress, etc.), help her consult a counselor.
Prepare for the changes pregnancy can cause in a relationship. The combination of physical changes, stress about things that have to be taken care of, and just the general newness of it all can mean changes for your relationship with your girlfriend. Attending some prenatal counseling sessions can help the two of you prepare for the changing roles and expectations. Things to expect include: Changing roles at home (taking on more chores, for instance). Alterations to sleep schedules. Less attention to each other as you work to meet the needs of pregnancy and a new baby. Different sexual habits, desires, and needs.
Get the knowledge and equipment you need to be ready for birth. You can make the birthing process less stressful by getting all of the things a newborn will need (food, clothing, bottles, diapers, etc.) ahead of time. You can also help your girlfriend prepare when the big day gets near by packing a bag that contains anything she might need to take (clothing, bedding, snacks, comfort items, etc.). You should also make sure to help your girlfriend follow all advice from doctors or other professionals about what to expect from birth.
Work with an adoption agency, if applicable. Adoption agencies have trained professionals that can help your girlfriend create an adoption plan that works for everyone involved. If your girlfriend decides to give the baby up for adoption, you can also help her with whatever she needs during the process. There are different options available to birth and adoptive parents. For instance, either side may decide that the child will not know its birth parents, or may seek to continue some kind of relationship. Listen to your girlfriend as she talks about and thinks through these different options. Expect that the process of giving a child up for adoption can cause many different feelings, ranging from happiness to grief or shame. Help your girlfriend work through these feelings, and seek help from a counselor if necessary.
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