Watching for Signs and Symptoms of Pregnancy
Evaluate your teen's history. If you suspect your teenage daughter may be pregnant, first stop and consider her personal history. If you have reason to believe she's sexually active, then she may be pregnant. A few questions to consider include: Has your daughter talked to you in the past about becoming sexually active? Does she have a steady boyfriend? Has your daughter engaged in risky behavior in the past? For example, if your daughter has a tendency towards sneaking out or substance abuse, she may also participate in behaviors like unprotected sex. However, keep in mind these are just general guidelines. Any teen can become pregnant if they are sexually active and have a functioning womb. You cannot gauge if a teen is pregnant based on her past history and behavior alone. Always consider other signs. Also keep in mind that if your daughter is afraid to tell you that she’s pregnant, she’s also less likely to be open about her sexual history.
Watch for physical symptoms. There are many physical symptoms of pregnancy you may notice in your teen early on that could indicate pregnancy. If you suspect your teen is pregnant, look for symptoms such as: Changes in appetite. Pregnancy often causes food cravings and/or nausea, the latter of which is commonly experienced in the first trimester and may lead to vomiting and/or be triggered by certain tastes/smells. You may notice your teen eating unusual foods, eating more (due to needing nutrients for the fetus) or less (because morning sickness, if she's having it, can cause a loss of appetite) than usual, or rejecting foods she usually likes. However, if she is rejecting a food she normally likes and it's not mealtime, she's probably just not hungry, and if she's nervous it might be normal for her to lose her appetite or even feel nauseated. If the aforementioned symptoms progress, though, or if they are accompanied by more dramatic symptoms, she could be pregnant. Be warned, however, because nausea and loss of appetite are also sometimes signs of illness, although normally she'd show other symptoms if she was ill. Increased fatigue. Fatigue is a common early symptom of pregnancy. Your daughter may complain frequently of fatigue and take naps more often. This could also mean she is sick, but again, there would likely be other symptoms present (such as a fever) if she were. Fatigue can also be caused by not getting enough sleep. Frequent urination. If you notice your daughter suddenly using the bathroom more often (unless she has taken diuretics or something), this could indicate pregnancy.
Check if menstrual products are being used. If you keep menstrual products in the house, like tampons and pads, you may suddenly notice you're not replacing them as often. This could mean your daughter is not using them. A missed period is usually the first sign of pregnancy. Keep in mind many teens take a few years to establish a regular menstrual cycle. Also, factors like stress can cause hormonal changes that result in a missed period. While unused menstrual products can be a sign of pregnancy, consider other factors before jumping to conclusions.
Pay attention to her mood. Hormonal changes in pregnancy can affect mood. Many women become increasingly emotional during pregnancy and may experience mood swings. Such effects are often magnified in teens due to social pressures that come with teen pregnancy. For example, if your daughter is pregnant, you may notice that she is unusually irritable or cries more easily than usual. Teens are frequently prone to mood swings due to hormonal changes that happen during puberty and possibly stress from school and/or social life. If you notice changes in mood, watch for other signs of pregnancy before concluding your teen is pregnant.
Watch for subtle changes in physical appearance. Changes in physical appearance usually happen later in pregnancy. However, every body is different. If your teen is very petite, you may notice some weight gain. You teen also may suddenly start wearing baggy clothes to hide changes in her body.
Look for changes in your daughter’s behavior. If your daughter is pregnant, it may affect her behavior. These behavioral changes could be a result of emotional stress, mood changes related to pregnancy hormones, or attempts to hide the pregnancy. You might notice that she: Is dressing differently from usual (e.g., wearing baggy or bulky clothes). Hides in her room more often than usual. Acts secretive. Is socializing differently from before (e.g., spending time with a new boyfriend or a different set of friends).
Talking to Your Teen
Plan to have a conversation with your daughter. If you suspect your daughter may be pregnant, you should confront her. The only way to know for sure is to have your teen take a pregnancy test and see a doctor. Spend some time preparing to ask your teen about her potential pregnancy. How and when you have the conversation can make a huge difference in whether your teen will be willing to open up to you. Set a time to talk to your daughter when you know that you and she will not be too busy or stressed out with other concerns and obligations. For example, you might take her aside on a Friday evening after dinner, when she’s not worried about getting last-minute homework done.
Write down your feelings before you talk. With any emotional or difficult conversation, you want to make sure you think out what you want to express beforehand. You don't need to be reading off a script when you talk to your teen. However, you should have some idea of what to say and how to say it ahead of time. Spend a few minutes jotting down your thoughts and feelings prior to the conversation.
Try to go into the conversation with empathy. If you come from a place of scorn or judgement, your teen may be unwilling to open up. Therefore, try to put yourself in her shoes. Remember what you were like as a teenager. Try to understand how your teenage experience was both similar and different to your daughter's experiences. You likely remember the pressure and excitement of being a teen. Was there anything different about your daughter's experience from yours? Have there been any specific pressures put on her that might have contributed to her becoming pregnant?
Go into the conversation without expectations. Do not confront your daughter expecting her to be immediately open to your help. However, do not go in expecting an argument, either. If you rev yourself up for a particular outcome, it can be hard to recalibrate if something different occurs. You do not know how your teen will react when you ask her about a potential pregnancy. Therefore, do not try to guess. Go into the conversation as prepared as possible with no particular expectations.
Ask without judgement. Remember, you want to show your teen respect. Even if you're upset with the situation, coming from a place of judgement will only serve to alienate your teen. In the event your teen is pregnant, you want her to feel she can see you as a source of help and guidance throughout her pregnancy. Do not pre-judge the situation or your teen's behavior. Even if you feel her becoming pregnant was reckless, try your best to leave this judgement behind. It will not help the situation in the present moment. Even if your teen is displaying signs of pregnancy, you cannot know for sure without confirmation. Therefore, do not enter the conversation by saying something like, "I know you're pregnant," or "It seems like you're pregnant." Instead, ask. Say something like, "I'm concerned about some of your behavior. Do you think you might be pregnant?"
Try to understand rather than advise. Teenagers are still children, but they are making the transition to adulthood and are already grappling with adult desires, problems, and responsibilities. They are old enough to crave autonomy. Advice during a stressful time like pregnancy may not be taken well. Therefore, try your best to understand your daughter's feelings, actions, wants, and needs before offering any advice.
Listen actively to what your teen tells you. Try to withhold judgement as she explains how she became pregnant. Ask nonjudgmental questions for clarification when necessary. Ask if she's made any decisions about what she wants to do next. Remind her she's very young and it's okay to take some time to make a decision about her pregnancy. Give your daughter non-verbal cues, like nodding on occasion, to show you are listening. Briefly paraphrase her words back to her when she finishes talking to show you heard what she said. If you have any questions about what's being said, wait until she's finished her sentence to ask. For example, you might say, “It sounds like you were really getting a lot of pressure from your boyfriend to have sex without a condom. Is that right?” Let her know that you empathize with what she is feeling. Say things like, “It sounds like this whole situation is really difficult and scary for you.”
Validate your daughter even if you don’t approve of the situation. You may feel frustrated and angry about the situation, or disappointed in your daughter’s behavior. It’s okay to communicate those feelings to her, but also let her know that you still love her and support her unconditionally. Don’t confuse your feelings about the situation with your feelings about your daughter as a person. For example, you might say, “I’m really disappointed in your decision to have unprotected sex, but I want you to know that I love you and I’m here for you no matter what.”
Help your daughter think for herself. Remember, guidance is better than outright advice. Pregnancy is extremely difficult for a teen, and you want to make sure your daughter makes a good decision. Communicate your feelings honestly, but make sure your teen is able to think for herself in this situation. Help her process her own thoughts and emotions rather than telling her what you think she should do. You might start by asking her, “What do you think you should do next?” or “Have you thought about whether you want to keep the baby?”
Discuss the implications of various options with your daughter. Walk her through the difficulties, financial and otherwise, of raising a child as a teen. Go over options like abortion and adoption, helping to weigh the pros and cons. If you're unfamiliar with such subjects yourself, you can look up information online with your teen to help her explore her options and make a decision. Ask her what she thinks throughout the conversation. For example, you can say something like, "I know when your Aunt Rose was in this same situation, she kept the baby. She thought it was the right thing to do for her. How do you feel about that?" Help your daughter consider all the factors. Pregnancy can be overwhelming. Gently walk your teen through some of the decisions she'll need to make down the road, such as choosing a doctor if she keeps the baby, informing other friends and family members of her pregnancy, and so on.
Steer clear of forcing your views on your daughter. While you may feel strongly that your daughter should choose a particular option, you need to allow her to make her own decision. Forcing your teen's hand can cause tension between the two of you. It is very important your teen sees you as a source of support during her pregnancy. Letting your daughter make her own decisions doesn’t have to mean compromising your own values. For example, if you really want her to have the baby, you might offer to help raise the baby or provide financial support. Even if she doesn’t make the decision you were hoping for, you will still have done your best by being supportive and offering viable alternatives.
Avoid criticizing your daughter. Finding out your teen is pregnant can be emotionally devastating. However, you should avoid criticism as much as you can. Even if you feel your teen has made a huge mistake, criticizing her can backfire. You do not want your teen to feel she cannot ask you for help as she makes a decision. Your teen is probably already feeling bad and stressed out about the situation. Nagging or criticizing her now will not help matters. Therefore, it's best to avoid telling what she should have done. Instead, try to be proactive and move forward in the present moment. Provide some reassurance. Tell your teen that while the situation is difficult, the two of you will work together to find a solution. It's very important your teen feels safe when discussing her pregnancy with you.
Try to stay calm if your teen gets angry. Your teen may get mad during the conversation. Even if you're trying to be patient and understanding, your teen may lash out at you due to her own anger or fear. Try not to take this personally. Do not react to feelings of anger taken out on you. Simply remain calm and say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and proceed with the conversation.
Take deep breaths when necessary. You may experience a lot of feelings yourself if you find out your teen is pregnant. Your own hopes and dreams for her have dramatically changed. It's normal to feel sadness, anger, and pain when your teen reveals she's pregnant. However, during the initial conversation, keep the focus on your teen's feelings over your own. You may need to occasionally take a deep breath and count to 10 in order to stay calm. Do so as necessary throughout the course of the conversation.
Moving Forward
Allow your daughter to vent when necessary. Pregnancy is scary for teens. As you move forward with your teen's pregnancy, allow her to vent to you. She should be able to come to you with fears, frustrations, and concerns throughout the process of making a decision about the pregnancy. Listen to what she has to say without judgment and allow her to feel what she's feeling, good or bad.
Form a plan. After you discuss your teen's pregnancy with her, you'll need to help her form a plan. Essentially, she has 3 options: keeping the baby, giving it up for adoption, or having an abortion. Help her weigh the pros and cons of each option so she can make an informed decision she will be comfortable with. If there is a health center for teens in your area, you may want to take your teenager there to talk to a doctor or counselor. You may not have all the necessary information about abortion, adoption, and teen pregnancy at your disposal. Remember, allow your teen to make her own decision. Even if you have your own strong feelings about the situation, this is your daughter's baby. She needs to make a decision that sits well with her.
Seek out prenatal care. In the event your daughter decides to carry the baby to term, it's important you get her prenatal care. You'll need to have regular prenatal visits with a doctor to monitor the baby's health. You'll also need to stock up on prenatal vitamins and work on establishing a healthy diet and exercise routine. Make an appointment with a doctor as soon as possible if your daughter decides to keep the baby. This way, your daughter and her doctor can develop a health and lifestyle plan for the baby's wellbeing.
Confront difficult questions. If your daughter wants to keep the baby, help her confront the difficult questions. There are a lot of factors to consider during a teen pregnancy. Guide your daughter as she makes a variety of decisions regarding her baby. Talk about questions such as: What role will the father play in the baby's life? Will he and your daughter stay together as a couple? Where will your daughter live after the baby is born? Will your daughter finish high school or go to college? If so, can you or another family member help watch the baby or provide financial support for childcare while she’s in classes? Are you able to assist your daughter financially? What about the baby's father and his parents? Can they help out with medical bills and the costs of childcare?
Find a therapist. As teen pregnancy can be stressful for your family, it's a good idea to find a family therapist. You can ask your regular doctor for a referral or ask your insurance company for a list of providers in your network. A qualified family therapist can help you and your family cope with the stress of a teen pregnancy. Your doctor or therapist may also be able to recommend support groups for teen parents and their families.
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