“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” Explained
This expression is used to apologize without taking much responsibility. “I’m sorry you feel that way” has garnered a lot of criticism, as many people believe it to be an empty apology, with the apologizer deflecting instead of taking responsibility for their actions or expressing genuine remorse. Considered a non-apology, this phrase can come off as dismissive and often sounds passive-aggressive, since the perpetrator knows they’ve hurt or offended the other person, but refuses to admit any fault. Meet the wikiHow Experts William Gardner, Psy.D is a Clinical Psychologist in San Francisco with over 10 years of experience providing individually tailored psychotherapy. Lena Dicken, Psy.D is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. Mary Church, Ph.D is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii with over a decade of clinical experience in psychotherapy. This phrase is often considered a quick way for someone to end a fight or conflict without having to admit that they were in the wrong. This kind of language is thought to have surfaced in corporate America, where the fear of liability and legal consequences replaces the need to take accountability.
Is this phrase used to gaslight others?
Yes, “I’m sorry you feel that way” can be used to gaslight others. The term “gaslight” has recently grown in popularity, used to describe emotionally manipulative behavior, which causes those on the receiving end to doubt their own thoughts, sense of reality, experiences, or memories, resulting in emotional damage. Apologizing by saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is considered gaslighting because the apologizer isn’t actually taking accountability for their actions, and is instead expressing displeasure that the other person is upset. They claim no real responsibility, despite using language meant to resemble guilt and regret. This kind of treatment often leaves the wronged party feeling confused, unstable, and wondering how to proceed. Apologizing in this insincere manner can cause deeper issues in the relationship since it’s clear that at least one person has trouble addressing the core conflict, accepting their role in it, and genuinely hoping to make amends.
Is “I’m sorry you feel that way” ever a good apology?
Some people believe that this apology is better than no apology. Although saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” deflects responsibility and doesn’t validate the other person’s feelings, some people find that it’s still better than no attempt at an apology. Looking strictly at the positives, having someone apologize this way at least communicates that the person in the wrong feels a tinge of guilt and remorse since they’re “sorry” you feel the way that you do, which might be attacked, offended, or hurt. The best way to use this response is when someone truly didn’t intend to hurt the other person, but is also trying to stand firm in their choice of actions or words. A slightly better alternative to this phrase is “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” which takes accountability and admits remorse.
How to Respond to “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
Use “I” statements. When you lead with “I” statements, it allows you to express how you feel and your view of the situation without accusing the other person. You can say something like, “I feel like you knew [x] was a sensitive subject for me, and you still approached me aggressively.” This language won’t make the other person feel attacked and will hopefully help them understand where you’re coming from.
Ask that they acknowledge their behavior. The main issue with using “I’m sorry you feel that way” as an apology is that it shrugs off all accountability. Asking them to acknowledge whatever they did or said that hurt you will help you to forgive them and can prevent them from treating you similarly moving forward. You can say something like, “I would really appreciate it if you could simply acknowledge your behavior so that I know you understand how your actions upset me.”
Set and maintain boundaries. If this is the other person’s first offense, respectfully let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If this is a repeat offender when it comes to mistreating you, it might be time to enforce certain boundaries when it comes to interacting with them. You can say something like, “While I value our friendship, I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated like this, and I think we should spend some time apart.”
Expert-Backed Alternatives to “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” There are two key parts to a good apology: validating the other person’s feelings and admitting you’re at fault. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” conveys empathy, maturity, and remorse, instead of dismissing their feelings or implying that they’re too sensitive. Clinical Psychologist Mary Church, PhD believes apologies to be “key features of conflict resolution.” She adds that a proper apology is all about communication, and that one must communicate with as much “clarity as possible,” which includes “recognizing responsibility.” Church notes that it’s harder for someone to apologize if they don’t understand the other person’s point of view because a lack of understanding cannot inspire empathy. She says expressing “empathic understanding and regret [is] a really hard thing to do for most people, but it's also a very important thing to do in a relationship.”
"I apologize for how my actions affected you." This is a dignified and mature approach that serves to take accountability and demonstrate regret. Clinical Psychologist Lena Dicken, PsyD shares that apologies and forgiveness can be complicated, and that there’s no “one-size-fits all answer.” However, she maintains that leading with empathy and allowing the other person time to process their emotions can help the situation along. If you happen to be the one in the wrong, she encourages you to say something along the lines of, “I understand that you're still upset with me, and that I've hurt you deeply. I just want to let you know that I want our relationship to continue, and when you are ready to talk, I'm ready to listen. I apologize again.”
"It was not at all my intention to hurt you, and I'm sorry that it did." Clinical Psychologist William Gardner, Psy.D believes that in order for apologies to be heartfelt, they must also be true, explaining, “99% of the time, [you’re] not trying to hurt anybody, so when you say, ‘Hey, I am really sorry that what I said hurt you, it wasn't my intention’--- that’s true. You’re taking responsibility for your impact, and that it wasn't intentional.”
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