- Use small talk about music, movies, TV shows, sports, or even the weather to find common ground that you can start a conversation from.
- Give the person a compliment or two to help them warm up to you and feel more at ease.
- Ask open-ended questions to give the person an opportunity to talk about themselves, then ask follow-up questions based on their responses.
Find common ground through small talk.
Mention things you like to discover what you have in common. Many people aren't fans of small talk, but it's a great way to get to know someone. Talking about music, movies, TV shows, or sports can help you discover things you both like and want to talk about more. Don't let it get you down if it turns out you don't have that much in common. By asking why the person likes the things that they do, you can learn more about them and what makes them tick. As the conversation progresses, use context cues to determine what to talk about more. For example, if the person lit up when they talked about riding bulls, that's something you can probe them more deeply about.
Give compliments to the person.
People tend to feel good when someone praises them. When you compliment someone, they tend to feel more at ease. Compliments and praise usually feel really good to hear and it can warm them up to you as well. Positive reinforcement also helps you establish a bond with the person pretty easily. Try to focus your compliments on things that they did rather than their appearance. This shows that you're interested in who they are as a person. For example, if the person tells you about a recent accomplishment, you might say, "Wow, that sounds incredible! I'm so proud of you!"
Ask open-ended questions.
Keep the conversation going with questions that require a longer response. When you ask an open-ended question, particularly those that start with "how" or "why," you give your conversation partner the opportunity to talk at greater length. As they talk, you can learn more about them and come up with follow-up questions based on what they say to take the conversation deeper. If you're not sure what the person would like to talk about, ask questions that you would enjoy being asked yourself. You might also try a fun creative icebreaker question, such as "What were you like in high school?" or "What is one thing people would be really surprised to learn about you?" When you do ask a close-ended "yes" or "no" question, follow up by saying, "Tell me more" to keep the conversation rolling.
Listen actively.
Pay attention to what the other person says so you can follow up. When you listen actively, you actually think about and process what the other person is saying, rather than trying to come up with the next thing you're going to say. This communicates to the other person that you're actually interested in them and in their perspective. Nod or make a brief response, such as, "uh-huh" or "go on," to encourage them to continue speaking. To show that you're listening actively, wait until the person has stopped talking. Pause for a second, say something such as, "It sounds like you're saying," then paraphrase what they just told you. If you misunderstood something, don't be afraid to ask a clarifying question. This shows that you actually care about making sure you understand them correctly. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and express empathy where appropriate, especially if you get into a more serious conversation.
Turn your body towards the other person.
Face the person and lean forward slightly to show your interest. When you turn towards the person, you indicate that you're focused on them and actively interested in having a conversation. If you're turned away or looking at your phone they might get the impression that you aren't actually paying attention. Additionally, turning your body or your feet away from the person can mean that you're actually ready to leave, rather than invested in spending time talking to them. As the conversation continues, you might want to lean back a little in your chair to show that you're comfortable and relaxed in the person's presence. If you're tense or clinched, it'll seem like you don't want to be there. Pay attention to their body language as well. If they seem tense or distracted, you might ask them about that before you continue the conversation. The best conversations happen when both people are relaxed and engaged.
Maintain good eye contact.
Make brief, frequent eye contact to show that you're paying attention. This doesn't mean that you're staring at the person as they're talking (that can be intimidating and send the wrong message). A good rule of thumb is to make eye contact about half of the time when you're speaking and about 70% of the time when you're listening. To make good eye contact, look into the person's eyes for 4 to 5 seconds, then look away. Take a few seconds to survey your surroundings before making eye contact again.
Make sure it's a good time to talk.
Ask the person if they have time to chat before imposing. The person you want to talk to might have somewhere to go or something to do and you don't want to get them off track. After a bit of small talk, simply ask if they want to talk more in-depth. Be prepared for them to say "no" so you won't take it too personally if they can't engage right now. If they say they don't have time to talk, ask when they'll be free. That way, you can talk at a time when it's convenient for both of you. This is especially important if you're chatting with someone online. You could overwhelm them by trying to start an in-depth conversation when they're busy doing something else.
Stay positive and avoid controversial topics.
It's easier to keep the conversation going when you keep things light. Even if the conversation lags, a benefit of staying positive is that the other person will feel more positive if you're radiating that positive energy. If you keep things happy and light, they'll likely come away with a great impression of you. Politics and negative things happening in the world aren't usually great topic choices for this reason. It's far too easy to get down in the dumps talking about something negative and then you've potentially ruined both of your moods.
Make a funny observation to trigger laughter.
People naturally bond when they share laughter together. Generally, you're more likely to laugh with your friends than with someone you don't know. But if you can get that person to laugh at something, you'll share a type of intimacy that will endear you to them. Poking playful fun at yourself can be a good way to inject some humor into the conversation, but be careful not to make the other person feel awkward in the process. If you're texting or chatting online, a funny meme is a great way to make them laugh and share that humor together.
Call out awkwardness when you feel it.
Disarm the awkward feeling by naming it and moving on. Even the best conversations can fall into a lull at times. If things feel off or if you're struggling to come up with something to say, go ahead and let the other person know. It could be that they're feeling awkward too and mentioning it takes away its power. Pretending the discomfort isn't there, on the other hand, might put the other person off. Likewise, if you misspoke or said something offensive, apologize and move on—don't act like it didn't happen. Silence, on the other hand, can be useful because it helps you process your thoughts and gives you the opportunity to transition between topics. Sometimes, rushing to fill the gap can be more awkward than simply sitting in silence for a few seconds.
Let the conversation flow back and forth.
The best conversations have a little give and take. Think of the conversation as something like a game of tennis or table tennis, with the "ball" of conversation going back and forth. You ask a question, the person answers, you ask a follow-up question based on what they said or tell your own story to relate to their answer, and then they say something. Thinking about the bouncing back and forth can help you keep things more balanced. Try to let the conversation flow organically rather than trying to control it or force it to go in the direction you want. This will definitely put the other person at ease and they won't feel like they're being interrogated.
Prepare topics beforehand if you're nervous.
Remember that most people like talking about themselves. Have a few general topics in mind, such as the person's childhood, their interests, their work, and what they enjoy doing in their free time. All of these things give the person an opportunity to talk about themselves and the things they love. Then, all you have to do is listen and follow up to keep the conversation going. Before meeting up with someone for the first time, think of some conversation starters you can fall back on if the conversation lags. For example, you might have a funny story to share or a recent trip you can talk about. Keep up with current events and trends so that you always have something to talk about and can contribute to the conversation if they bring something up. Have a motive for the conversation. When you first approach the person, be upfront about the reason you want to have the conversation. It can take them off-guard—in a good way! They'll appreciate your candor and will likely be more interested in talking to you.
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