- Male validation refers to any sort of approval from a man, which many people go out of their way to obtain, even when it hurts their self-esteem.
- We often seek male validation in order to feel better about ourselves or to secure our place in a social hierarchy, such as at work or within a friend group.
- Resist the desire for male validation by bolstering your own self-esteem. Make a list of things you like about yourself and go after your dreams and goals.
What is male validation?
Male validation is another way to describe approval from men. It’s exactly what it sounds like: compliments, praise, affirmations, or any other positive attention from a man. Most often, the term is used when talking about a tendency for women, queer and non-binary people, and even other men to seek male approval, even if it hurts their self-esteem or integrity in the long run. Men’s opinions and perspectives are often valued more than those of women or gender-nonconforming people, which leads to everyone else scrambling to appease or conform to how men feel they should act. Prioritizing how someone else feels about you over how you feel about yourself can create unreasonable standards that you may never live up to, damaging your self-esteem.
Male validation is often an issue in professional or career settings. The need for male validation tends to rear its head in places like your job or your classroom. Men often hold positions of power in these places, acting as bosses or professors, and your career or education might hinge on pleasing them. This applies to everything from your hobby groups all the way up to government officials. Patriarchy, or a societal structure where men hold power, tends to favor men, and as a result, everyone else feels pressure to please the men in power. The concept of male validation is also brought up when talking about the male-female wage gap, or the disparity in the number of men in executive positions compared to women.
Male validation is an issue when navigating attraction and sexual desires. Consciously or subconsciously, we tend to focus on what men want when we’re dating, in relationships, or even just casually flirting. We dress and use makeup to please the male gaze, hoping that our physical appearance will be enough to turn men’s heads, which we sometimes equate with being valuable or worthy of attention. In addition, many women feel pressure from their families, friends, and society as a whole to find a partner, and that the lack of a partner somehow indicates that they’re undesirable.
Why and how do people look for male validation?
They look for male validation when flirting or on dating apps. The dating game is rigged in men’s favor, and that’s no secret. Often, women feel the urge to “compete” with other women to nab the best-looking or wealthiest guy. Society tells us that if we hitch our wagons to the right man, our lives will be made. Of course, that’s just another way of saying that men hold all the power, and that the rest of us are helpless without them. For example, you might tolerate some rude behavior or other red flags when chatting with a prospective partner, but only because he has money or a lifestyle you feel you want. Giving you that lifestyle would be a form of male validation. Or, you might experience harassment on dating apps because you wouldn’t put up with a toxic man’s behavior, and he feels entitled to your attention. That is, he feels you should want his validation.
People look for male validation in the workplace. Research has shown that women often find it more difficult to rise the ranks—or even just exist—in many workplaces. This is because men are often in positions of power in these settings, and those men tend to favor other men. So when women or other marginalized people want to climb the ladder, they have to work extra hard to appease the men in executive positions just to get a raise or a promotion. In these settings, you have to earn male validation—performance reviews, praise, etc—in order to feel legitimate or like you belong at that workplace.
They often seek male validation to feel desired or worthy. When someone else holds power or is respected by society at large, it’s easy to confuse their approval with your own self-worth. This confusion pervades everything from family dynamics (wanting your dad to approve of your lifestyle) to interactions with strangers (wanting that cute guy on the bus to think you’re attractive) to actual structures of power, like government officials (wanting a male lawmaker to pass laws that affirm female autonomy). Whatever it is, we seek approval from those with power—people other than ourselves.
How is seeking male validation harmful?
Seeking male validation damages your self-esteem. When you value yourself based on what a man—or any other person aside from yourself—thinks of you, your own standards become warped and unrealistic. You start to think of yourself as someone who exists to please others, rather than an individual with your own needs, desires, and agency. But the truth is that you’ll never live up to other’s standards, which is a losing game for your self-esteem. In addition, when you value someone else’s opinion or needs over your own, you tend to place others’ needs over your own, depriving yourself of your own attention.
Wanting male approval reinforces a patriarchal societal structure. Men are placed in decision-making positions everywhere from the workplace to the government, and buying into that power dynamic by seeking their approval only solidifies their power. It’s not your fault—we’re taught our whole lives to play a game that benefits men in many ways, but refusing to play that game sometimes results in negative consequences. These consequences might include being overlooked for a promotion if you point out unfair workplace conditions, or in some cases, violence when you stand up to a man who insists on getting his way.
A need for male validation also harms other men. It’s not just women who feel the pressure to please their male counterparts. Other men are pressured to uphold the power structures and remain self-reliant. They must please their friends or bosses, while also hiding vulnerability in order to maintain an illusion of self-assuredness. LGBT men also feel the same sexual pressures as women—dressing and acting in ways that please other men. And LGBT people who aren’t attracted to men risk violence if they don’t adhere to gender or sexuality norms that favor men.
How do I stop seeking male validation?
Recognize why you want male validation. The first step to resisting male validation is identifying why you seek it in the first place. For some, it’s because compliments from men make them feel attractive. Others might feel insecure if they’re not in a relationship, or feel a need to coddle their male coworkers in order to rise the professional ranks. Anytime you want something from a man or alter your behavior because of one, ask yourself if you’re doing that just to please him. Not everything traces back to male validation, though! You might want a boyfriend just because you’d like to spend time with someone. Or you might dress well because you like the way you look in the mirror. Pinpointing your own wants helps you differentiate the healthy desires from the not-so-healthy.
Talk to other people about your want for validation. Everyone feels pressure to seek male validation, even if they don’t recognize it. Speak with a close friend or even talk to a therapist to get an outside perspective. Talk to women and LGBT people especially to find a community to share your perspective with. Sharing your experience with like-minded people helps you better understand how the need for male validation pervades yours and others’ lives. Search the internet to find a support group near you, or even start a support group yourself. Chances are, there are already folks discussing your concerns!
Get comfortable with being “unlikable.” You’ve heard it plenty of times about other women: she’s loud, or a prude, or promiscuous, or bossy. Often, these are insults aimed at women who don’t adhere to men’s perceptions of how women, and others, should act. The reality is that you have to be okay with being the squeaky wheel if you want to escape the need for male approval. Rather than be ashamed of these qualities, remind yourself that you’re living in a way that makes you happy, not just one that makes other people happy.
Make a list of your own achievements to boost your confidence. If you find that you tie male validation to your self-worth, untangle your own value from what men tell you makes you valuable. Write down your accomplishments, or just anything you’ve done that makes you proud of yourself. Any time you’re feeling less-than-enough, read through that list to remind yourself of what you’re capable of. For example, you might include going to school, being financially independent, or creating works of art—all things that you did yourself, without the need for a man. Also make a list of things you dislike about yourself. Go through the list and ask yourself: Do I not like this part of me because someone else says I shouldn’t?
Practice positive self-talk to improve your self-esteem. Anytime you catch yourself thinking or saying self-deprecating things, stop and ask yourself if that’s something you’d say out loud to or about another person. Then, replace it with something you admire about yourself. For example, if you feel you aren’t “pretty” enough for a certain man, tell yourself, “It doesn’t matter what he thinks. What matters is that I like how I look.” In addition, thinking about things you’re thankful for in your own life helps you shift your focus outside yourself and take your mind off your own perceived shortcomings.
Resist comparing yourself to others. Overcome comparison by reminding yourself that how other people appear doesn’t reflect how they actually are or feel, and that includes you. Ask yourself if your comparisons are superficial or are about things like looks or money, which are often out of your control. If you’re envious of someone else’s skills or personality, don’t dwell on your shortcomings, but use that envy as motivation to develop your own skills. It’s not that you hate another woman’s success, just that you want to be as successful! In addition, find positive role models in your life, whether they’re close friends or public figures, to serve as productive standards of comparison. Strive to emulate the traits you like most about those role models.
Set life goals to focus on, like career advancement or passion projects. Distract yourself from the need for male validation by pursuing your own dreams, for your own sake. Go back to school, even if it means spending less time dating. Jump back into the job search if your current workplace stifles you with men’s expectations. Whatever you do, do it for yourself.
Learn to enjoy the single life. If your need for self-validation manifests as a need to be in a relationship, focus on being content in your own company. Find joy in single life by focusing on your hobbies, spending time with your friends and family, and treating yourself to some luxuries now and then, like a massage or an indulgent purchase. Prioritizing your own happiness diminishes your want for male validation. Take a break from dating apps for a couple of months. Dating apps especially amplify your desire to please men in the way you curate your profile for the sake of male approval.
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