Finding the Right Guy
Put yourself out there—the more people you meet, the better your chances are. You aren't going to meet the man of your dreams by sitting home and watching bad reality shows. You have to get out and start meeting people. You can enlist your friends and family in helping you meet new people. One of these guys you meet could be the one. It's important to do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Not only will this widen the net for potential mates, but it will also make you more interesting. For example: if you're usually a bookish type person, try going out to a concert, or take rock climbing lessons. You'll meet all different types of people, who in turn will introduce you to an ever-widening network of potential husbands. Make sure that you tell family and friends that you're looking for a relationship and ask them to set you up with a guy they think you might like. Family and friends can be great for that sort of thing and will usually have your best interests at heart. Try different dating styles. Make an online dating profile and see what turns up from that (after you weed out the online dating morons) and try out blind dates that have been set up by your friends and family. A large proportion of married people met their significant other through mutual friends or through family.
Project confidence, even if you don’t feel it—that’s attractive to everyone! Confidence is that trait that can get you more dates than any subjective "attractiveness" is going to. Fortunately, unlike physical appearance, confidence is a trait that can be learned and developed. The more you try it, the more confident you will get, and the more men will be intrigued by your confidence. Fake it 'til you make it. The great thing about confidence is that you can fake it and trick your brain into actually believing that you're confident. Start small--wear those heels you love, but think you look silly in, or that bright red lipstick--and work your way up to bigger acts of confidence--asking a guy for his number, buying a guy a drink, etc. Don't compare yourself to other people, especially other women. Someone is always going to be better-looking, more successful, with better relationships. You need to focus on the good things about yourself, rather than how you compare to others.
Put extra time into your presentation, because that can give you a leg up. Dating can be a bit like marketing, or like looking for a job. You have to learn how to present yourself in a way that draws guys in. This doesn't mean that you give up who you are, it simply means that you know how to get across the best, and simplest, sides of who you are. Draw up a list of good qualities. If you're having difficulties (and a lot of people with self-esteem issues do) have a trusted friend help you out there. For example: you might say that you're "a good listener," "funny," "a fabulous hiker," "up for anything," etc. They have to be positive qualities! Have an image. Pick three of the things that you put on your list and create an image based on these. Again, this does not mean sacrificing who you are as a complex individual, but it is a shorthand way to present yourself and for your friends/family to talk about you with potential dates. For example: using the above qualities you present yourself as "a funny, outdoors person, who's up for anything." Wear clothes that you feel (and look) great in. If you're going in for a job interview you're not going to be super slovenly. You don't want to dress yourself super uncomfortably and you want to make sure you're dressing for the occasion (dressing to the nines to go to the gym is probably not the best idea).
Keep an open mind, because sometimes, people will surprise you! It's really important that you don't limit your options for dating by focusing exclusively on "dating" places (like the bar, parties, etc.). People meet their significant others in all kinds of places, and you'll need to be open to that possibility. For example, if you're on a long train ride, maybe make eye contact with that guy across the train you think is cute. If you're really bold, strike up conversation. This is also why it's so important to get out there and do things. You could very well meet that special someone at the park, at the library, on a plane to somewhere far away, at your local charity benefit.
Weed out the bad ones. If you're putting yourself out there, marketing yourself effectively, then you're going to start garnering interest. Now's the time to start weeding out the ones that aren't going to cut it: the players, the really strange ones, the ones who wouldn't make good husbands, etc. Don't be so picky. While you are trying to get rid of the ones who won't work, you should also consider giving a chance to guys that you might not normally go for. This doesn't mean that creepy guy you met at the bar, but it does mean maybe trying out someone who doesn't have rock hard abs, or who dresses in a manner you aren't sure you like. You never know what might come out of that sort of relationship. Some things to look out for in a potential mate: he blames women for everything (eventually he'll start to blame you, too; run away from the "you're not like other women" guy; bonus points for derogatory language); a guy who's obsessed with looks (your looks will "fade" as you get older and he'll start looking at the younger crowd); someone who doesn't want to be exclusive (it's unlikely that he'll ever commit to being exclusive; you can do better). Ask yourself questions before choosing a partner. Example: Does this person make me happy? Will this person push me to grow? If you want to have kids, do you see yourself having children with this person?
Be realistic. Remember, there is no guarantee that you're going to find a husband. Even if you do, he's probably not going to look like a movie star, treat you like a queen, and devote his every second to your needs. That doesn't mean you won't find someone whom you love and are passionate with.
Beginning the Relationship
Show your interest. When you've met someone that you think you might like, show them that. While this doesn't mean getting super clingy and pouring your emotions all over them, it does mean that you give off signs of interest, like flirting. Eye contact is the most basic and most important part of flirting. You can use this without any of the other accoutrement that articles on flirting always recommend. When you're talking with the guy, dancing with him, or giving him looks across the dance floor, maintain constant eye contact. In the beginning it might be a little uncomfortable, but it goes from uncomfortable to soul-piercing pretty quickly and builds a connection between the two of you. Smile. This will soften the intensity of your gaze, and it will also show that you are interested. Never try to fake a smile, because fake smiles never reach your eyes. Ask him questions about himself. People love to talk about themselves, so it will make him more likely to open up and to realize that you're interested in him. Don't immediately jump in after he talks with an anecdote of your own. Instead ask follow up questions on whatever he just said.
Maintain your own life. You need to make sure that you have your own life outside of him. Have nights out with just your friends. Go and do fun things by yourself. Not only will you show that you aren't clingy, but the two of you will have more stuff to talk about when you meet up. Don't drop everything to meet up with him every time he asks. You don't want to blow him off, or say no so many times he doesn't think you're interested. However, you do want to make it clear that you have things going on in your life other than him and while you enjoy being with him, he isn't the only thing you have going on. For example: if he calls and asks you to go out that night, say something like "I'd love to, but I promised my friend I'd go to her art exhibit opening. Maybe we could meet up next weekend?" You show that you have other things in your life, and you also show that you are interested in him.
Make him laugh. Laughter is a great way to pique someone's interest. You don't have to turn into a stand-up comedian to do this, fortunately. It's also important to remember that each person has a unique sense of humor. You'll need to gauge the types of things he thinks are funny before you launch into your witty repartee. One type of humor that tends to work well on most people is telling a funny story, something that actually happened. For example: tell him about the time that you got lost in the metro system and had to have your friend come and rescue you, or that time you tried to make donuts and ended up almost burning down your apartment. Don't belittle yourself, however. Don't call yourself stupid or dumb or whatever pejorative you come up with. This will feed into your insecurities rather than boosting your confidence. You can poke a little gentle fun at yourself without calling yourself names.
Be nice to his friends. Just as with women, the opinion of a guy's friends is going to be very important to whether he keeps seeing you and whether he gets serious about your relationship. You will want to make sure that they like you. This doesn't mean that you have to be a pushover and bend over backwards to accommodate his friends. Likewise, if they say rude or disparaging things that you don't agree with, you have every right to call them out. In fact, you should probably reconsider the relationship with your guy. When you're hanging out with your guy and his friends, ask them questions about themselves (what do they do as a job? where are they from? what did they study in college? what did they want to be when they were little?). Again, people love talking about themselves and if his friends think you really care about the answers, they're going to be a lot more interested in keeping you around.
Deepening the Relationship
Don't take things too fast. A big problem that people have when it comes to dating is rushing into things. You really want to get married, and that's completely understandable, but you have to really make sure that you want to be married to this person for the rest of your life, otherwise it's going to cause problems down the road. It's usually best to give it three months before you start to get more serious. This amount of time lets you get over the initial high (the "honeymoon phase") and allows to you look at the relationship more clearly. For example, say you meet a nice guy and you've gone on a few dates. Instead of right away trying to hint towards marriage or moving in together, you step back and let things move naturally in that direction. He's less likely to feel broadsided by your need for a husband.
Temper your expectations. Another thing that has a tendency to foul up relationships is too many expectations. If you're coming into a relationship with your entire marriage and life until death planned out, that's a huge amount of pressure to put on another person. Chances are things aren't going to work out in the way you have planned (welcome to life). For example, say you've gone out with a guy for a few dates and you're already telling your friends that he's "The One" and you're spending all this time fantasizing about your perfect marriage together, instead of spending time with him just being in the present relationship. You have to allow that relationship to develop as it will. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming, or hoping that he might be the man you marry, but you have to make sure that you're grounded in the reality of the relationship. That amazing guy in your head might bear little resemblance to the guy you're actually dating and it will hurt you when he turns out not to be like you've been imagining him.
Engage with his interests. A good way to make sure that things progress further than a few dates is to engage in the things that he's interested in. This doesn't mean molding yourself to what you think he wants, or that you leave your own interests by the wayside. It means that you find out about his interests, ask him about them, and maybe try them out. For example: He really likes to swim. You could ask him about the kinds of swimming he does, how he got into swimming, does he like to compete, and so on. You could even have him help you improve your own swimming techniques. Remember, though, if he is only interested in his own hobbies and never in yours, there are going to be problems later on. He's probably a bit narcissistic and certainly not as interested in you as you deserve.
Don't take him for granted. A really important part of creating a lasting relationship is to make sure that you show the other person how important they are to you. He'll feel that he's important to you and that will strengthen your relationship. Tell him what he means to you. Say things like "It really means a lot to me that you did all the dishes last night," or "Thank you so much for listening to me rant about my terrible day." You can also do little things to show your appreciation: take him out for one of his favorite activities as a surprise, write him a letter with the reasons why he means so much to you.
Gauge his interest in marriage. You need to find out whether he's the marrying type and how he might feel about marrying you, in specific. If he doesn't want to marry and that's super important to you, then it might be time to move on and find someone with whom you are more compatible. You can come right out and ask "How do you feel about marriage?" (Avoid doing that in the beginning of the relationship, otherwise you'll come off way too strong.) It might be better to ease into this question. You could bring up some mutual friends who just got married, or someone at work and say "I think that your earlier 30s are a good time to get married, what do you think?" If he reacts badly to the idea of marriage, that is not a good sign. You should also pay attention to how he uses "we" and "us" in referring to the future. The more he's making future plans with you in terms of a partnership the more likely he is to be looking towards marriage and commitment.
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