Responding to the News
Listen and offer support with open arms. Let your friend know that you are willing to listen if she needs to talk. However, if your friend says she needs some time to process things on her own first, then do not pressure her to talk. Give her time and just remind her that you are there for her if she want to talk. Try saying something like, “I know you must be overwhelmed right now, but I am here for you and I am willing to listen if you ever need to talk.”
Keep the news to yourself. If your friend has confided in you that she is pregnant, do not tell anyone without her permission. This is her news to share or not share, and telling people about your friend’s pregnancy could cause problems for her. If you are worried because your friend has not sought help for her pregnancy, then you should talk to her about how you feel. For example, you might say, “I know this is overwhelming for you, but I am concerned about your health and well-being as well. I think you need to see a doctor, no matter what you plan to do about the pregnancy.”
Ask how you can help. Your friend will need to decide what she wants to do about her pregnancy. It is her decision if she wants to keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption, or have an abortion. Do not try to sway her towards one decision or another, just ask her what you can do to help. For example, your friend might need someone to drive her to a clinic, help her find an obstetrician, or choose an adoption agency. To determine what she needs, you might simply say something like, “I am here for you. What can I do to help?
Refrain from judging or saying “I told you so.” Lecturing your friend or giving unsolicited advice is not going to help her. Do your best to avoid telling her what you think she should do, what you would do, or what you think is the best solution. Unless she asks you for advice, do not give her advice. Instead of judging, ask her how she is feeling. She may be sick from morning sickness or emotional from keeping the secret. Let her tell you how she feels instead of you telling her how to feel. Assure your friend that you still love her and this does not change your friendship. She is probably scared and needs to know things will be OK. Stress is hard on the baby so she needs to be supported to feel positive. It is OK to talk about the baby if she is going to raise the baby, it can be exciting to prepare for a baby.
Addressing the Pregnancy
Help her conduct research to learn about her options. Your friend will have to decide between parenting the child, adoption, and abortion. It may be difficult to make a decision without fully considering each option, so you may want to offer to help your friend conduct research on each of these options. Try starting the research by asking her what options she is considering. Many people have strong feelings about things like abortion so she may not even be considering this option. However, if she is, help her to research the option. Help your friend make a list of pros and cons as you research the options. For example, a pro of abortion might be that she can avoid having to tell her parents, teachers, and friends about the pregnancy. However, a con of abortion might be that she may have regrets later on or that she may risk medical complications.
Offer to accompany her if she decides to tell her parents. If your friend decides that she wants to raise the child or put the child up for adoption, then she will have to tell her parents about it. One way that you can support her is by offering to be there when she tells them. Try saying something like, “I know you are worried about telling your parents. Would you feel better if I was there too?” If she declines your offer, do not be offended. She may just want to speak to her parents on her own. Be prepared for her parents to get upset and have a backup plan if the worst happens and she is kicked out of their home. Is it OK for her to come to your house in the event of an emergency? Asking your own parents for advice after she tells her parents might be useful as well. Your parents may know her parents and can offer support parent to parent. Having another adult know can also help to lessen the overall stress of keeping the secret. However, remember to make sure that you check with your friend first.
Support and respect her decision, whatever she chooses. Remember that the decision to end or continue her pregnancy belongs to your friend, not you or anyone else. If she asks you for advice, then you can provide it, but do not try to change her mind or impose your beliefs on her. If your friend tells you that she has decided to keep the baby, try saying something like, “I know you must be really scared right now, but you will be an awesome mother!” If she tells you that she has decided to give the baby up for adoption, try saying something like, “I know this must be hard for you, but you are going to give an amazing gift to some lucky couple!” If she tells you that she wants to end her pregnancy with an abortion, try saying something like, “I know this was a difficult decision for you, but I love you and I will do what I can to help.”
Defend her against rumors or teasing at school. Part of being a friend is being there for the good and bad. Girls who are pregnant are more likely than ever to drop out of school, but being a friendly support may help her to stay in school. Many schools have special programs for teen parents. If your friend is interested, you can check with your guidance counselor to see if there is one at your school.
Looking Out for Yourself
Don’t let what’s going on with your friend distract you. While it’s important to be a source of support for your pregnant friend, you also need to maintain focus on school and your extracurricular activities. It can be overwhelming to see a friend struggling, but you need space to be who you are without dealing with her issue 24/7.
Accept that your friendship is going to change. You may feel angry with her for getting pregnant, jealous of the fact you will spend less time together once she has the baby or stressed out by the secret. You have every right to feel how you feel, but keep in mind your friend who is pregnant may not be the best person to talk about your feelings with. You may need to talk to a trusted adult instead of adding stress to her already stressful situation.
See a counselor if you need someone to talk to. Going through this difficult time with your friend may take a toll on you, so you may want to consider talking to a counselor. A counselor is a safe adult who can’t tell your friend’s secret, except in certain situations. A counselor can offer advice and support, but she cannot tell anyone else about your friend’s secret unless your friend is in danger, such as if she is suicidal. If you tell the counselor that your friend is suicidal, then the counselor would be obligated to find out if that is true. If your friend is truly suicidal, then the counselor would have to report this to social services. Keep in mind that talking to an adult will give you the opportunity to ask questions and get further information about resources that may help both your friend and yourself through this ordeal.
Be sure to always practice safe sex. Remember, teens that become pregnant are at risk to drop out of school and this affects your future. Take your friend's situation as a lesson to protect yourself. Even if your friend seems to be happy about being pregnant, the life of a teen parent is not easy. Using condoms can protect you against pregnancy and STDs. However, keep in mind that abstinence is the only way to 100% protect yourself from teen pregnancy.
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