How to Cope when Your Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant

Dealing with the News

Try to remain calm. You might be overwhelmed with a variety of emotions after hearing the news: shock, confusion, and anger among others. Don't do anything rash. Count to 10, do deep breathing, or go to a restroom and splash water on your face. Just taking a few minutes to yourself can help you regain your composure and approach the issue with a clear head.

Resist blaming or insulting. You're likely flooded with questions and accusations, but none of them will actually benefit the situation right now. Bite your tongue and hold back any retorts. Focus on problem-solving right now.

Imagine being in her shoes. Even though this news is a blow for you, it's most certainly upsetting for your daughter. Spend a few moments in her shoes, pretending you were in her situation. How would you want your parent to react? Show her empathy and remind her that you love and care for her. You might also say, “I can imagine that this may be very upsetting for you. What do you need from me?”

Allow yourself to feel your emotions when you're alone. When you get some alone time, attend to your own feelings. Cry, shout, or vent aloud in privacy. Try to name the feelings that arise. For example, you might say, “Right now, I'm feeling scared because I don't know how this will affect her college education.” Don't feel guilty about the feelings that come up. Just name them and experience them without judgment.

Practice self-care. You may be tempted to want to numb your feelings, but try to work through them in healthy ways. Book a massage at a local spa, attend a class at your gym, or listen to your favorite album. Self-care helps you manage your stress so that you can adequately provide support and guidance to your daughter.

Getting Support

Confide in someone you trust. You probably need to talk things out with someone, so rally your social network. Don't isolate yourself or give in to shame regarding the situation. Instead, reach out to a close friend, relative, or adviser. Explain the circumstances to the person and ask them for support and/or advice. Don't talk to someone you know will be a negative influence on either you, your daughter, or the situation. Choose someone you know you can trust to be empathetic. If you know another parent who has dealt with teen pregnancy, they may be a great sounding board. Getting social support from others can help you realize that you're not alone in dealing with this, but it will also help you deal with stress—so that you don't take your emotions out on your daughter.

Speak to a counselor. Professional guidance can be particularly valuable during a time like this, so schedule an appointment for you and your daughter to see a counselor. Contact a counselor in the community or arrange to speak with your daughter's guidance counselor at school. You might see a counselor alone to help you work through your feelings and figure out how to best support your daughter. However, your daughter should also speak with a counselor who can help her work through her own feelings and figure out how she wants to move forward.

Attend a support group or class for teen moms. These support groups can be terrific resources for understanding options and knowing what to expect during a teen pregnancy. They also serve as outlets to vent frustrations and fears and get needed encouragement. Look up support groups in your area that specifically cater to your circumstances. You might also ask your daughter's guidance counselor or doctor for recommendations. You might attend such groups together to offer your daughter moral support.

Managing the Pregnancy

See a doctor. You'll want to confirm the pregnancy and check up on your daughter's health, so get a referral to an OB-GYN. This clinician will be able to answer all your questions and explain any unique risks associated with teenage pregnancies. Your doctor will also prescribe prenatal vitamins and make recommendations for how your daughter should adjust her diet and activity levels to support her health.

Encourage her to make healthy choices. Teen moms have unique risks because their bodies may not have fully matured enough to support a growing baby. If your daughter isn't planning on going through with the pregnancy, she'll still need to take care of her body to manage her health and stress levels. Help ensure your daughter's health by making sure she eats well, stays active, gets adequate rest, and manages stress effectively.

Allow her to consider her options without forcing your views on her. Depending on how far along your daughter is in her pregnancy, she will need to make a decision as to whether she will keep and raise the baby, give it up for adoption, or have an abortion. All of these choices are hard, so just do your best to make sure your daughter understands the gravity of the responsibility. Be sure she gets thorough information on a range of options, so she fully considers the potential challenges and emotional impact of them all before making a decision. Try visiting a family planning clinic such as Planned Parenthood in your local community. You might also review good sources like the American Academy of Pediatrics policies on teen pregnancies, at https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/pages/Teenage-Pregnancy.aspx. Avoid pushing your own views off on her. Try to support her choice, no matter what she decides.

Involve the father if possible. You may want to plan a meeting to get acquainted with the baby's father and his parents. Find out his stance on the pregnancy and determine if he plans to be involved if your daughter keeps the baby. Try not to blame or ridicule the father. Remember, he is not solely responsible for the pregnancy. However, if the pregnancy was the result of non-consensual sex, take appropriate steps to protect your daughter. You might consider pressing charges or getting a restraining order, but be sure to include your daughter in the decision-making process.

Come up with a long-term plan if she decides to keep the baby. Help your daughter work out the logistics if she plans to parent the child. Try to resolve immediate concerns, such as where your daughter and the baby will live, whether the father will be involved, and how they will provide for themselves. Ongoing support from doctors, other healthcare providers, social workers, and counselors will also be useful in helping your daughter prepare for parenting.