How to Deal With an Abusive Father

Getting Immediate Help

Know the warning signs of potential abuse. Fathers who use alcohol or other drugs and have low impulse control are more likely to sexually abuse their children. Anger or stress, relationship problems, and domestic violence are all predictors of abuse against children. If you notice things getting worse in your home, make sure you have your safety plan handy and you are ready to escape from the situation if you need to. You may be in immediate danger if your father is: currently threatening to harm you or abuse you, carrying a weapon (including heavy objects), chasing you with an intent to abuse you, or if you are currently being physically hurt or sexually abused.

Get away and go somewhere safe. If you are currently in danger of being abused (physically or sexually), you need to get help immediately. If you don’t have access to a phone to call for help, get away from the abusive situation and find a safe place to go. If you are at home, think of the best way to exit and use it. This could be through a window, door, or out the backyard. Good places to go include: a trusted neighbor’s house, a friend’s house, or a public place where phones are available. Do not hide in your bedroom, you could get stuck there and not be able to escape easily if something goes wrong.

Call for help. If you are in imminent danger or are currently being physically or sexually abused, call for help immediately. You can call your local emergency contact number (i.e. 911) or the police/law enforcement station. Consider calling a Child Services Hotline. They are trained to deal with abuse. Be prepared to answer questions about when and how your father has abused you. You can also contact a mandated reporter (teacher, therapist).

Comply with authority figures. If you called the police or child services, they may arrive and interview you. Police, social workers, therapists or others may want to talk with you about the situation. They will most likely also speak to your legal guardian or guardians (parent or other person who is legally allowed to take care of you). Be honest when asked questions about the abuse. Know that these people are trying to understand the situation better so that they can work to keep you safe. Child Protective Services will ask you questions and intervene. The government agency or social services organization that deals with your case may require you and your father to receive psychological intervention, such as therapy or parenting classes. In very severe cases, children may be removed from the home or separated from the parent until the abusive situation is resolved. The police may conduct an investigation and speak to you and your parents or legal guardians. In severe cases, and if you choose to press charges, your father may undergo a trial.

Get therapy or counseling. If you have endured an abusive situation, the trauma will not resolve itself. It is essential that you seek the help of a therapist or counselor. The earlier you begin therapy, the better chance you have at recovery. A therapist can help if you worry about being abused regularly, you avoid certain instances that remind you of the abuse, or if you have excessive feelings of guilt, shame, depression, or fear related to the abuse. If your thoughts of the abuse prevent you from completing daily tasks or harm your interpersonal relationships, therapy can help. You can work with a therapist to keep yourself safe and deal healthfully with the trauma you have endured. If you are under the age of 18 you can talk to your school guidance counselor about getting therapy. Unless your guardian has specifically forbidden you to see the counselor or for the counselor to see you, then parental consent is not necessary to receive counseling. The counselor must report known or suspected child abuse. Family therapy is also a helpful option to explore. Your therapist, or a separate one, can work with your family to create safety and reduce abuse. Ask your therapist if this is an option or if she can provide you with a referral.

Keeping Yourself Safe

Identify what to do if the abuse occurs again. If you create a safety plan you may be more prepared if you experience abuse. Know the best ways to exit your home, the best places to go that are safe, and who to call once you get there. Have emergency contacts handy. Keep a list of contacts on you at all times. You can create a safety plan. It will include where to go, who to talk to, how to keep yourself safe, and what additional coping resources you can use. If you believe abuse is about to occur, use this safety plan.

Identify how to escape in the future. Knowing your way around your home can help you get away if you need to. Having a plan can also help you feel safe. Identify ways to leave your home, such as through certain windows, doors, fire escapes, elevators, stairs, etc. If you live in an apartment complex, there should be a fire escape posting and map of the premises; study it in order to develop the fastest and safest way out of the situation. If there are locked windows and doors inside the home make sure you obtain keys or know how to unlock them ahead of time. Move objects out of the way if they block useful windows or doors.

Know where to go. Identify safe places you can go in the future, such as certain friend’s or family member’s house, a school, hospital, etc. Find the fastest route to your identified safe place. Figure out how you might get there the fastest. For example, you can run, skateboard, or drive (if you have a license). Make sure you have plenty of places you can go and several back-up plans if people are not home. If necessary, you can go to a public place such as a mall or store to get phone access. Tell the people you plan to go to that they are part of your safety plan. Know typical times that they are home.

Talk to an adult. If the abuse re-occurs, you should know who you can talk to about it. It could possibly evolve into something more, and if it does, you want someone else to know. Ask for help. Helpful people to talk to include: your mother, grandparent, a teacher, school guidance counselor, therapist, friend’s parent, or another adult who you trust. Find a mentor or a school counselor you can talk to when you feel overwhelmed by the hurt. Make sure the person you choose to speak with is someone you trust, and feel safe around.

Avoid dangerous or risky situations. Sometimes people who endure abuse end up engaging in risky, unsafe, or uncomfortable situations. Work on preventing future abuse. It's not your fault that the abuse occurred, but you can work toward reducing the likelihood of future or repeated abuse. Try to make sure someone is with you when you are around your father. Avoid being in a room alone with your father if you can. This may increase your risk of abuse. Try to have friends over, spend time with your siblings, or ask another family member over. If you can’t avoid being alone with him, make sure you have an exit or way of protecting yourself if you need to. Using drugs or alcohol to cope with abuse can have serious and devastating consequences (illegal activity, lowered judgment, overdose). Avoid using substances to cope. Try exercise, writing/journaling, or therapy instead.

Healing from Abuse

Have self-compassion. People who have experienced abuse often blame themselves or experience self-loathing. Remember, it's never your fault, and nobody deserves to be abused. Replace destructive self-talk with compassionate self-talk. If you say mean things to yourself such as, “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have made him mad,” this is an incorrect thought because you are not to blame. Replace these types of thoughts with more realistic appraisals of the situation such as, “The abuse is not my fault. I did not wish it or want it to happen. I am deserving of love and respect and should not be abused.” Take care of yourself. Self-care is an important component of coping after abuse has occurred. This means treating yourself with compassion and respect. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, attend your therapy sessions, and engage in healthy activities (exercise, education, relaxation, leisure).

Embrace your healthy relationships. Healing from abuse can be achieved with the help of support from others. It is important to have mutually satisfying and collaborative relationships. Chances are, you already have people in your life who can support you, such as other family members (mother, grandparents, siblings, cousins), friends, and teachers. If you have been avoiding socializing out of fear or sadness, try reconnecting with others who are safe. Invite your friends over, or hang out with safe family members such as siblings or cousins. You don't necessarily need to talk to them about the abuse if you don't want to or aren't ready to do so. Just get support by spending quality time together and doing fun activities (such as playing games). One way to get social support is to join a support group. Ask your school counselor or therapist for referrals. If you don’t have either of those, try conducting a search online for local organizations that have support groups for individuals who have survived trauma and abuse. Do not tolerate friends or others who mistreat you or call you names. You deserve to be treated with respect. But don't use physical violence of any kind to get your point across either, just distance yourself and spend less time with people who mistreat you.

Process your feelings. Mourning the trauma and loss is an important piece of healing from abuse. You can write your father a letter, which you don’t need to send. Tell him how you feel about the abuse and how it has affected you. Let your anger out. Talking to others about your feelings is also a good way to process. You can do this with a friend, family member, counselor, or support group.

Express yourself creatively. Creative expression is one way to positively cope with a history of abuse. Creativity can help you release you emotions in healthy ways instead of harming yourself or lashing out at others. Try improvisational music as self-help therapy. This has been shown to help heal sexual abuse, and may be beneficial for other types of abuse as well. Try playing the harmonica (an easy instrument to learn), or download a game or app that allows you to create music. Write about it. Reconstructing the story of your abuse can be a helpful way to heal. This can help you to resolve the trauma. Gain support or put it aside if it upsets you too much right now. Try art – you can color, paint, draw, or sculpt. Try to express in your art how you feel about the abuse and how it has affected you.

Avoid negative coping. Individuals who have survived abuse may be at an increased risk for using alcohol and other drugs. Additionally, people who have suffered from an abusive situation may blame themselves, minimize the seriousness of the abuse (thinking it was not as bad as it was), and rationalize (think that the abuse was necessary or normal). Focus on having a realistic view of the abuse such as thinking or saying to yourself, “I was abused and it was not okay. I am not to blame for the abuse. I will not tolerate being abused and will get help if I need it."

Empower yourself. Many individuals who experience abuse may feel dis-empowered and not in control. Take your power back! Take a survivor rather than a victim stance on your history of abuse. You can do this by integrating a survivor mentality into your identity. Think, “It was abuse, and I survived it. I am a survivor, not a victim. I am strong enough to overcome this great obstacle. I will keep fighting to end abuse,I will not let anything stand in my way." Find a survivor mission or purpose. Perhaps this means giving talks about your experience, or helping other survivors.