Dealing with the News
Remain calm. Whether you’ve just gotten the news or are about to attend a meeting, remaining calm will help you problem-solve and approach the situation with a clear head. You might instantly take your child’s side or feel like their expulsion is a reflection of you. If you get a phone call or have a meeting with the school, do your best to be calm throughout. If you notice you’re feeling upset and need to calm down, take some deep breaths. Breathe from your diaphragm and lengthen each of your breaths until you feel more calm and centered.
Get all the information. Start by asking both your child and the school district about what happened. Ask who was involved, what happened, and the timeline of events. Get as much information as you can from as many perspectives as possible. Don't be afraid to ask for a meeting or call back later for more information. This is your child's future. There may be differences in the stories depending on who’s telling, but get as clear of a picture as you can. Be willing to hear both sides without judgment or interruption.
Be gentle. The school deals with your child as a student, but you deal with them as a parent. While an expulsion is a large academic consequence, you may just talk to them about it. An expulsion shouldn’t be a holiday for your child. You may want to take away their privileges (like a phone or television) or tighten the reins on their freedoms with friends. Remember, expulsion is already a major punishment, so don't be too harsh!
Take care of yourself. Your time and attention may be focused on your child during this time, but make sure you’re taking care of yourself, too. Have someone to talk to, like a partner, friend, or another parent who understands. Even if they can’t solve your problems, it can be helpful to talk about it and what you’re going through. Do things for yourself that make you feel supported and taken care of. Take a bath, go on a walk, write in a journal, or listen to calm music.
Attending the Due Process Hearing
Know your child’s rights. You and your child have the right to know why they are being expelled and what they are accused of. You also have the right to know the evidence collected. Both you and your child have the right to be heard. Some rights may differ by school district. Look on your school district’s website or ask a school employee for the school handbook on how to handle these procedures.
Talk to a lawyer. You may seek legal counsel regarding your child’s expulsion. A juvenile lawyer can familiarize you and your child with your rights and recommend some directions to take. The lawyer can come with you and advise you and your child during the school board hearing. While getting a lawyer is optional, it can help you to familiarize yourself with the process and know what to expect. If you’re not sure what to say to the school, a lawyer can step in and talk for you. Bring a lawyer with you to the board hearing and seek fair treatment. Find a lawyer who’s worked expulsion cases before. Look online or get a recommendation from someone you trust.
Attend the expulsion hearing. Your child’s school should give you a date, time, and place of the hearing. You may wish to learn about the process of the hearing and what will happen during it, including who will speak and what will be discussed. You can bring a letter or plan to speak during the hearing. You should be able to review the school records before the hearing.
Decide if you are going to appeal the decision. If you feel that the expulsion is unjust and undeserved, appeal it. You always have the right to appeal. However, appeals are very rarely successful. Make sure you have a solid reason why you think this is a misunderstanding or an overstep. Otherwise, dragging out the process can be grueling and not lead to anything beneficial. An appeal would happen at the child’s expulsion hearing or shortly after. This process varies by school and may be outlined in the school handbook.
Taking the Next Steps with Education
Consider your child’s educational needs. Depending on the reason your child was expelled from school, you may want to evaluate your child’s educational goals and whether or not the traditional public school system is the right environment to meet them. Also, if your child has any special needs or learning challenges, then you may need to look into other ways to meet your child’s educational needs.
Explore your next steps for education. If your child is expelled and not welcome to return to the same school, you will need to come up with some options for their education. The school district should give you some suggestions on what to do next, but you can also create a plan on your own. Your options include going to a different public school, attending an alternative school, attending a private school, or homeschooling. Private schools might be boarding schools or day schools. This might include military schools, religious schools, or therapeutic schools. Homeschooling can help kids who are having social problems. If your child got mixed in with a questionable crowd, homeschooling can be a good option. Your child can even complete schooling online. Find more information about online school through your school district or state/territory education website. Online schooling may also be available in your state. Some organizations offer online public school and home schooling, such as the organization K-12. These programs may be teacher-led or self-directed.
Follow through with the readmission plan. Some schools allow for re-entry after a child has completed steps to readmission. The plan might include attending anger management or behavior therapy, going to substance abuse treatment, or completing community service. Someone from the school board may check up on the progress of the readmission plan. Once the re-entry plan has been completed, your child may go before the board once again. The board will vote whether your child will be readmitted.
Make necessary arrangements to your schedule. You might need to take some time off from work or tell your workplace what’s going on. If you feel the need to stay with your child during the expulsion, talk to your boss about the situation and let them know you need some time for your family. It’s up to you whether you want to tell them what’s going on or not. Say, “My child is having some difficulties and I need some time off.” If you want to be more specific, say, “My child is expelled and needs an adult present until we get something worked out. I need some patience as I sort this out and need a few days.”
Dealing with Problem Behaviors
Get therapy for your child. Your child’s extreme behavior might be a wake-up call for you that they need help or intervention. Therapy can help your child build skills and create positive behaviors. Your child might learn mindfulness skills which can help them make better decisions and cope with stress in more effective ways. Therapy shouldn’t feel like a punishment to your child or a consequence for their bad behavior. Find a therapist by calling your insurance provider or local mental health clinic. You can also obtain a recommendation from a physician or loved one. You may also consider family therapy. This can help your whole family develop positive coping skills to move forward from what happened, and it can also help your family to adjust to the changes that your child’s expulsion may bring. If you have multiple children in your family, then family therapy may also help your child’s siblings process their feelings and cope with the changes after your other child was expelled.
Work on behaviors at home. This is where your role as a parent comes in, especially if the problems at school were behavioral. Think about what specific problems your child has and how you can help them. Does your child disrespect authority, bully others, or do dangerous activities? Find ways to work on these at home, like with their siblings. While you should be firm with your child, also show empathy and understanding to them. Be calm in your interactions and connect on an emotional level. For example, if your child bullied kids at school and was expelled, watch how they interact with their friends or siblings and don’t be afraid to correct bad behavior. Say, “You can’t talk to your sister that way. Try again.”
Enforce your house rules. Let your child know when their behavior is inappropriate and that they need to make some changes. It might be helpful for you to enforce some new rules in your home or enforce consequences in a different way if what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working. Focus on consequences over punishments so that your child can learn from the experience. Make sure your child knows the rules and consequences when they break a rule. For example, if plans change, have them call you on their phone. If they don’t do these things, then you will ground them or take away their computer privileges.
Attend a parenting class. Nobody said parenting was easy. If you’re struggling to feel respected by your child or enforce rules, a parenting class can help. Often, parenting classes are geared toward a specific age group, such as young children or teens. You might gain some perspective and some new ideas on how to achieve peace, order, and stability for your child. It’s okay to admit you don’t know how to be a perfect parent. Nobody does. A parenting class can at least give you some new things to try. Find parenting classes online or attend a live class at a local mental health clinic, church, or hospital.
Consider residential treatment. Residential treatment is for children and teens who have behavioral or mental health issues that need more attention outside of traditional weekly therapy. Here, your child will get specialized medical and psychological treatment in a safe, structured environment. Treatment lasts from one to several months and often includes the parents and family. While residential treatment isn’t a long-term schooling solution for education, children can still get school credits while at residential treatment as they work toward improving their behavior. Your child’s physician or therapist may provide recommendations for a treatment center or you can find one online.
Look into mentoring programs for your child. Depending on your household composition, your child may need to be exposed to some additional positive and supportive adults. Look into organizations such as Boys and Girls Clubs, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and other similar organizations. Getting your child involved in one of these groups may help to provide your child with structure, help them develop prosocial behavior, and expose them to positive adult role models.
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