Solving Problems in the Relationship
Communicate with your girlfriend about what went wrong. If you want to repair your relationship with your girlfriend, you will need to find out why she feels the way she does. Ask her if she can sit down with you and have a heart-to-heart conversation about how she is feeling and what you can both do to make it better. If you and your girlfriend have been fighting, wait until you’ve both calmed down before having a discussion. Trying to talk while both of you are upset may lead to more fighting and resentment. You might start by telling her how you feel, then inviting her to give you her perspective. Use “I” language to express your feelings. For example, “I feel unloved lately, and I’m afraid we might be drifting apart. How are you feeling about things between us?” Do your best to stay calm and civil, and listen actively to what she has to say.
Avoid blaming your girlfriend for problems in the relationship. When things are going wrong, it’s easy to start pointing fingers. Instead of blaming her for any problems between you, listen to what she has to say with an open mind. Once you let her have her say, you may realize that you’ve been misinterpreting her words and actions. Even if your girlfriend is at least partly responsible for things going sour between you, blaming her will only put her on the defensive and create a deeper wedge between you. Putting all the blame on her also takes away your own agency in the relationship and makes it harder for you to focus on making things better.
Take responsibility and apologize for your own mistakes. Calmly acknowledge your mistakes to your girlfriend and apologize without making excuses or trying to justify yourself. Remember that taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. It just means reflecting on your own actions and recognizing that you there are things you may have done that contributed to the rift between the 2 of you. For example, you might say, “You’re right, I haven’t been as attentive to you lately as I should have been. I let myself get too caught up in my own projects and didn’t really think about your needs. I’m sorry, and I’ll make an effort to do better from now on.” Avoid apologizing in a way that puts the blame on your girlfriend or excuses your actions. For example, don’t say something like, “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have frustrated me like that.”
Validate her feelings. Listening to what your girlfriend has to say about what she’s feeling may be hard, but it’s actually a good thing if she’s willing to open up to you. Let her know that you recognize what she’s feeling and respect her right to feel that way. That will go a long way toward showing her that you really care about her and the relationship. Try showing that you understand what she feels by “reflecting” her feelings back in your own words. For example, if she complains that you spend too much time watching TV instead of having quality time with her, say something like, “It sounds like you feel lonely and frustrated when I watch TV in the evenings instead of sitting down to chat with you over dinner.”
Work together to come up with solutions. Once you’ve pinpointed the main problems that are driving a wedge between you and your girlfriend, ask her if she’d be willing to sit down with you and talk about what you can both do to make things better. You can offer your own ideas, but be sure to ask for her input and listen carefully to what she has to say. For example, if she’s frustrated because she feels like she’s doing too much work in the relationship, talk about ways to split up your responsibilities more evenly. You could offer to take turns cooking or washing the dishes, for example.
Make a commitment to change and stay consistent. Acknowledging the areas where you need to improve and promising to work on them will not be enough. You need to show your girlfriend through your actions that you are truly ready to make a change. Make specific promises and follow through on them. For example, maybe your girlfriend has trouble trusting you because you’ve been unreliable in the past. Make a point of establishing consistent behavior patterns going forward—e.g., if you say you are going to be home at a certain time, make sure you are there! If you do slip up, own up to it and apologize immediately.
Respect her need for space. If things are really bad between you and your girlfriend, she may not even be willing to have a discussion right now. If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t try to force it—she will only end up feeling smothered and resentful. Instead, reach out and let her know you are willing to talk whenever she’s ready, then back off and leave her alone. You might say something like, “I understand that you don’t feel like talking about things right now. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and really want us to make this work if we can. I’ll be here if you want to talk.”
Accept that you may not be able to save the relationship. Remember that you can’t actually control what your girlfriend does or how she feels about you. All you can do is let her know how you feel and do your best to show her that you’re willing to work on making things better. If your girlfriend does break up with you, respect her decision. Lashing out at her or pursuing her when she’s asked you to leave her alone will not make her more inclined to give things another chance.
Rekindling Your Romance
Ask your girlfriend how you can help her feel loved. If your girlfriend is cooling off on you, it may be because she’s feeling unloved herself. Communicate with her openly and ask her what you can do to show affection in a way that she will appreciate. Every woman is an individual, so don’t assume you know what your girlfriend wants or needs. She might want more physical affection, or she may wish you’d spend more time discussing her favorite books with her. You won’t know until you ask!
Offer her sincere compliments every day. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, loved, and desired in a relationship. One way to rekindle your girlfriend’s interest in your relationship is to remind her of all the things you love about her. Make sure not to just focus on superficial things, like her appearance. Your girlfriend probably appreciates hearing that you think she’s beautiful, but remember to comment on who she is as a person, too. You could compliment her on things like her personality, her accomplishments, or even memories of your time together and what they mean to you.
Make romantic gestures (and not just on Valentine’s Day). Think about the kinds of things you and your girlfriend did together in the early days of your relationship, when things were exciting and fresh. Doing these things again can help bring back old feelings and show that you are still interested in making the relationship fun and joyful. For example, you might try surprising your girlfriend with a gift or taking her back to the same place where you had your first date. More practical gestures can be romantic, too—for example, you could surprise her by cooking her favorite dinner or offering to give her a massage after a long day at work.
Be intimate without expecting sex. If you want sex all the time, your girlfriend might start feeling like intimacy is a chore. Give her some space, but don’t hold back from offering other gestures of affection, like hugging, cuddling, kissing, or holding hands. You may find that she becomes more interested in sex once you stop trying to initiate it as often. You may also find it helpful to have an open and honest talk with your girlfriend about what both of you expect from your sex life. Finding out what she likes and doesn’t like can improve your intimate moments and help you connect on a deeper level.
Show a genuine interest in things she cares about. Take time to really get to know your girlfriend and get familiar with her values and interests. She’ll feel a stronger and deeper connection with you if you’re able to show that you are interested in who she is as a person. For example, you might ask your girlfriend questions about the things she’s interested in. Watch movies or read books with her so that you can discuss them together. If she has any favorite hobbies, consider trying them out together. Even if you don’t find all of her interests that exciting, you can show her that you value her by making time to listen when she wants to talk about the things she loves.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with her. Open up to your girlfriend about your thoughts and feelings. If you’re not used to being vulnerable, this can feel scary or uncomfortable at first. However, doing so will help create a more meaningful connection between the 2 of you and will show your girlfriend that you trust her and feel at ease with her. Being open and vulnerable can also help you get your needs met, because your girlfriend will have an easier time understanding and empathizing with you.
Getting Professional Help
Ask your girlfriend to attend couples counseling with you. If your relationship is really strained or stagnant and you aren’t making much headway on your own, talk to your girlfriend about counseling. An experienced counselor can help you make sense of what’s going wrong in your relationship and work with both of you to develop strategies for improving things. Going to couples counseling is also a good way to show your girlfriend that you are serious about making the relationship work. Do an online search or ask your doctor to recommend good couples counselors in your area. If physical intimacy is a big problem in your relationship, you might benefit from seeing a sex therapist.
Go to counseling on your own if she won’t go with you. If your girlfriend is unwilling to go to counseling with you, don’t try to force the issue. You may still find that you can benefit from seeing a therapist on your own, however. They can give you advice on how to approach your relationship in a healthier way or—if necessary—to move on. Look for a therapist who has experience helping people with relationship issues. You might see a clinical psychologist, a marriage and family therapist, or a licensed clinical social worker.
Look into relationship support groups in your area. Support groups can be great tools for helping you work through your relationship challenges. Ask your doctor or therapist to recommend a support group for relationship issues in your area, or do an online search for couples support groups near you. Support groups can be led by professional counselors or completely peer-based. Being with other couples facing similar challenges can help you gain insight into your own situation. A group can also be a safe and supportive space for you and your girlfriend to work through your issues together.
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