Preventing a Meltdown
Keep in mind what tends to upset your friend. Knowing their triggers can help reduce meltdowns by reducing stress. If you can anticipate potential problems, you may be able to head them off. Try to help your friend avoid the stressor, or give them extra support coping with it. Think about things that have made them upset in the past. Listen when they tell you that they don't like something. Keep in mind that autistic people may understate their stress levels. If they say "that bothers me," it could mean that something is an annoyance, or that it causes serious panic.
Notice signs of stress in your friend. If your friend seems upset, then there might be a meltdown coming on. If you can calm them, you may or may not be able to prevent the meltdown. It helps to pay attention to warning signs, so that you know when to intervene. Agitated stimming Withdrawing from a conversation Covering ears Hiding the face Becoming unusually quiet or passive Struggling with speaking or other tasks that your friend can usually do easily Other signs of stress
Gently intervene on your friend's behalf. Under stress, your friend might be unable to advocate for themselves, or express their needs. You can help by suggesting something to help your friend, either by talking to your friend or talking to other people who are accidentally stressing out your friend. Here are some things you could say: "You look overwhelmed. Do you want to get some fresh air for a minute?" "Hey, everyone, let's try to keep the noise level down." "Let's go somewhere less crowded." "Hey, he doesn't like that. Knock it off."
Firmly intervene if people are not listening. In some rare cases, a person might be upsetting your autistic friend on purpose, or not care whether your friend is harmed by their behavior. Your friend may be too overwhelmed to assert themselves, so you can help by setting a hard boundary with the person who is causing trouble. "I asked you to stop teasing her. You're upsetting her, and it's not funny." "I need you to stop yelling. It's not helping." "Devon and I are leaving now. Goodbye."
Recognize that prevention isn't always possible (and that's okay). Sometimes, the autistic person may simply be under too much stress to avoid a meltdown. In that case, the best thing for them to do is to "have a good cry" and let the meltdown run its course. They are likely to feel a bit better afterwards. Meltdowns aren't something that the person chooses. It's something that happens to them. They can't stop it. They need your patience and understanding.
Handling a Meltdown
Keep calm. Your friend has probably had lots of meltdowns before, and is used to it, even if you aren't. If you act calm, it will help them feel calmer and more secure. Even if your friend is in a state of total panic, you don't need to panic. Instead, you can be a gentle, calm helper. Stay patient and nonjudgmental. Your friend isn't melting down on purpose, and they're dealing with an emotional crisis. Recognize that meltdowns are temporary, and sometimes necessary. Your friend will feel a lot better after they've had a chance to cry. Remember that this isn't your fault. These things happen. Even if you contributed to it a little, meltdowns are almost always caused by lots of stressors, most or all of which are beyond your control.
Help the autistic person get someplace quiet. They may be overwhelmed, and if people are staring, the person will likely feel embarrassed about making a scene. You can help with both these problems by guiding the autistic person to a more private space. See if you can help the autistic person get to somewhere quiet, like... An unoccupied room A yard or other quiet outdoor space An empty hallway A bathroom
Run interference with anyone who is getting in the way. Some people may try to force the autistic person to do something, or to "help" in ways that will only upset your friend even more. Right now, your friend needs quiet time, so shoo away anyone who is crowding, bothering, or putting demands on them. Say "Let them be" or "We'll handle your thing later" if someone is pestering or putting demands on your friend. Say "Don't touch" if someone tries to grab your friend, and bat their hands away if needed. Say "I got this. Give us space" if someone is trying to help but making it worse.
Reduce overstimulating things in the environment. Things that could be potentially distracting to a non-autistic person trying to focus could be painful to an autistic person in fight-or-flight mode. Make the area quiet and calm. Get rid of unwanted music or background noise. Get rid of analog clocks with ticking hands. Remove fluctuating sources of light. Turn off flickering lights. Close curtains. Offer things that reduce distraction. Try things like white noise, headphones, or a way to "hide" (e.g. under a blanket) for a while.
Take over any difficult tasks. During a meltdown, an autistic person is at their wit's end, and even "easy" tasks can be incredibly difficult and frustrating. They may struggle with motor skills, and get more upset. You can alleviate some stress by helping fix the problem they are trying to solve. Reach out and see if they accept your help. If they're struggling to take off an itchy sweater, try taking it off them. (Only do this if they're okay with being touched.) If they're trying to drink from the sink and making a mess, you could bring them a cup of water. If they show you their favorite CD, put it in a player and start the music. If their tangle toy falls apart and they cry, try snapping it back together for them. If they can't open a container, open it for them.
Only touch your friend if you have clear consent. You can see what they want by offering the opportunity, such as by spreading your arms for a hug. If they come up for a hug, then hug them, and if they ignore it or lean away, assume that a hug wouldn't help right now. Sometimes, a tight hug may be calming. Other times, it might make things worse. Your friend instinctively knows what's right for them, so they can make a choice if they see you offering (but not pushing for) a hug. Never corner them or grab them against their will, even if they are doing a bad thing like hurting themselves. They are in fight-flight-or-freeze mode, and both of you could get hurt if they try to break free of your grip.
Keep any questions simple. Your friend is in panic mode during a meltdown, and their ability to speak and understand you may be very limited. (If they can't talk, arrange something like thumbs up/thumbs down, writing, or texting.) Once they're in a quiet place, you can ask yes/no questions about how to help, if you'd like. "Do you want me to stay with you?" "Do you want me to call/get (name of favorite person)?" "Do you want (name of comfort item)?" (Alternatively, just place it in front of them.)
Don't be surprised if they forget their manners, or even how to speak entirely. Your friend is unable to think clearly, and that can impede their ability to express themselves. Don't be surprised by choppy, blunt, halting, or nonexistent speech. Their speaking skills will return once they are calmer. Wait it out and do your best. If they can't talk, they may still be able to point to things, give a thumbs up or a thumbs down, or touch something they want. It's possible that they'll word things poorly or say things they don't mean. Let them express themselves without telling them to be polite. However, if they're being verbally abusive (such as name-calling), you can leave the room or tell them that it's not okay to talk to you that way. Save a more detailed discussion of their words for later, once they're calm and able to think.
Try to offer a safe substitute if they are self-harming or doing something risky. See if you can think of something safer. They need sensory input, so see if there's a way to let them get their sensory input with minimal or no harm done. Redirect them, and then offer a smile or thumbs up once they begin the safer behavior. Here are some examples of harm reduction: Head banging: Carefully place a pillow between their head and whatever they're banging it against. Biting: Bring an object that's safe to bite. Try something that offers resistance, like a carrot or piece of chewy jewelry. Throwing things: Move fragile/dangerous objects out of the way, and place something durable (like a throw pillow) in front of them. Let them throw it, and then retrieve it for them so they can throw it again. Continue until they calm down enough to stop. Hitting: See if you can get them to hit something safe, like a mattress or couch. Since they may be too overwhelmed to listen, try modeling it and then giving them a turn.
Keep a safe distance if they act aggressively. Aggressive behavior during a meltdown isn't very common, but it can happen. If it does, your friend doesn't want to hurt anyone (just to enforce their boundaries, meet their sensory needs, or try to make the pain stop). It's okay to keep a safe distance, block them from hitting you, or even leave the room. Never put yourself in harm's way. If they're throwing things, don't get in front of a flying object. If they're hitting themselves, don't get between their hands. Don't grab them, or they could hurt you in their attempt to escape. If they're hitting you, you can block their hand and say "Be gentle" or "Slow down." (They don't want to hurt you.) If you can't handle it, leave the room.Tip: Remember, your friend doesn't want to hurt you (or anyone else). They're too upset to think straight. Do your best to keep yourself safe. You're protecting yourself, and you're also protecting your friend from serious guilt once they're calm again.
Be empathetic, gentle, and patient if you stay with them. Your friend is going to need to cry and let it all out. This is normal. You can help by being a calm and understanding presence, whether you're hugging them tightly or watching patiently from a short distance. Just being there, even if you're on the other side of the room, can help. It's okay to quietly bring them things, like a cup of water, some tissues, or a comfort item. Place them close to your friend so they can reach the items if they want. If they are lying on the floor and crying, you could show empathy by lying on the floor too at a reasonable distance, and waiting while they cry it out. If they start talking to you, validate their feelings and be understanding. This helps them feel better.
Go about your day if you gave them space. If your friend needed alone time, or you had somewhere else to be, don't worry. They need time to cry, and they will get it. Meltdowns are awful when they happen, and then they are replaced with calm. Your friend will be OK. Don't text or call them for an update on the same day. They may feel confused or stressed about how to respond. Let them reach out to you first.
Talking Afterwards
Wait until a calm time to discuss the meltdown, or meltdowns in general. Calming down may take several minutes, or even hours, depending on the person and how rough of a time they were having. Wait until your friend is able to have a calm expression, and be okay with having conversations again. If you aren't sure, you can ask "Are you feeling better, or do you need more time to rest?"
Try asking how you can help in the future. It's okay to be confused by meltdowns, and to not know the best way to help. You can ask your friend about it during a calm time when they're ready. They can tell you what best helps them, personally. Sometimes, "How can I help?" can be a confusing question for autistics, and they may feel like you're asking them to boss you around. Try asking "What do you need when ____?" or "What would help make ____ easier?"
Talk about any issues that you think contributed to the meltdown, if desired. If you think that something made it worse, either something you did or something in the environment, it's okay to ask about it. This can help you know how to make things better in the future. "I made a joke about you being weird before you melted down. Did that upset you?" "I noticed you covering your eyes before the meltdown. Does bright light bother you?" "This is the third time you've melted down at a family reunion. What do you think makes family reunions difficult for you?"
Stop self-blame with empathy. Sometimes, the autistic person may blame themselves for having a meltdown, or act like they are a burden. It can be hard to see a friend self-deprecating. If they say negative things about themselves, you can reassure them with statements like... "Everyone struggles sometimes. You aren't bad for having a hard time." "You're my friend. I want to be with you when you need help. I think it's worth it." "You don't need to be sorry." "No, you didn't scare me. I felt a little worried, but my biggest concern was helping you. Helping you feel better helps me feel better too."
Listen and validate their feelings if they talk about their problems. Sometimes, they might want to talk about what went wrong or why they were so upset. If they do, then being a good listener can help them feel better. Even something as simple as being there and saying "That sounds difficult" can be really helpful. If you don't know what to say, that's okay. Staying and listening means a lot.
Be open to pretending it never happened. Your friend might want to just forget about the meltdown and move on. If they seem to want not to talk about an incident, then accept this and move on to other things. The autistic person may not necessarily remember everything that happened during the meltdown. That's normal, and okay. There's no need to remind them.
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