How to Spot & Deal with a Narcissistic Woman

• A toxic narcissistic woman often exploits others to get what she wants. She may rely on manipulative tactics like anger, criticism, and guilt to achieve her goals.
• Narcissistic women often feel superior to other people, so she might behave in an entitled and demanding way.
• Setting boundaries is key to preserving your own mental health. If she ignores your boundaries, limiting or cutting off contact may be necessary.

Signs of a Toxic Narcissistic Woman

She’s entitled and self-centered. Narcissistic people are often self-absorbed and may expect special treatment. She might feel she deserves to cut in front of people in line, that she’s owed an apology from a cashier, and that she’s entitled to the best table in a restaurant. What she wants trumps everything else, and she’s very vocal about it.

She gaslights people to make them doubt themselves. She twists the truth and claims things happened differently than they actually did. If you ask pointed questions, she’ll change the subject or “flip the script” and interrogate you instead. When you try to express your feelings, she might accuse you of being oversensitive, or say that you’re the one hurting her feelings. Gaslighting refers to a form of abuse that makes the victim feel like they’re “crazy.” By confusing the victim and undermining their perception of reality, the abuser is able to gain power and maintain control. For example, your narcissistic boss might lecture you for not finishing a report on time. When you remind her that she told you to wait until you received the stats for last quarter, she could claim that never happened.

She craves attention and praise. Narcissistic people often surround themselves with people who admire them and inflate their ego. If she’s toxic and feels like she isn’t getting enough attention, she might start some drama with a snarky comment. She'll try anything to shift the focus back to her. People with fragile egos often struggle when they see other people being celebrated because they hate having someone else be the center of attention. If this woman’s toxic enough, she might even steal the show at her friend’s wedding by wearing an extremely glamorous dress—it might even be white!

She has trouble owning up to her mistakes. If this person is entitled or controlling, she may be reluctant to admit it when she’s wrong. Instead, she may rationalize her behavior and shift the blame so she seems like the victim in almost every situation. When things don’t go her way, she might respond with rage and accusations. For instance, if she borrowed one of your sweaters and shrunk it in the wash, she may not apologize or offer to replace it. Instead, she might complain that it shrunk because it was cheap, and you should buy higher-quality clothing. It can be very frustrating to try to work out problems with a narcissist. They resist compromising, so any attempt to get on the same page can feel like hitting your head against the wall.

She’s often moody and unpredictable. Narcissism is sometimes accompanied by difficulty regulating emotions. This person might swing from being sweet and kind to you in public to raging at you as soon as you get in the car. She also may put on a front when she has an audience, then treat the people in her inner circle terribly behind closed doors. Say that you’re both enjoying yourselves at a gathering with friends; she's in good spirits and is the life of the party. As soon as you get in the car, she turns on you, claiming you “ignored her all night” because you didn’t offer to refill her wine glass.

She views other women as her competition. People who struggle with narcissism usually suffer from exceptionally low self-esteem. If this woman seems overly competitive with other people, especially other women, it’s likely that her ego is very fragile, and that she makes up for it by trying to control others and be the “queen bee,” as her sense of self-worth is tied to being “the best.” She feels good about herself—as long as she stays on top. Her competitive streak may extend to family relationships; she may see her sister or even her daughter as a threat to her dominance. Although she’s unlikely to admit it, a narcissistic woman often feels jealous or envious of other women. She hides this beneath a mask of self-confidence. For example, a narcissistic mom might feel envious if her daughter wins second place at a dance competition. She may say something like, "Being the second-place winner just makes you the first-place loser. I guess you didn't try hard enough."

She uses others to get what she wants. Some people are friendly—as long as you do exactly what they want. If that sounds like the person in your life, she’s likely got a manipulative streak. When you tell her no, her fake persona is likely to slip and her claws will come out. Suddenly she’s a bully on a mission to criticize, mock, and humiliate you. She likely has no problem with using manipulative tactics to control others. She relies on anger, shame, criticism, and guilt to keep people in their place. If she realizes she can’t control someone, she is likely to dismiss and discard them and find someone else to use.

She overreacts to perceived criticism. On the surface, a narcissistic woman oozes superiority. However, at her core, there’s usually a deep-seated sense of insecurity that she’s unable to face. When she feels criticized, it touches a raw nerve, and her reaction is often overblown. Even constructive feedback can be viewed as a vicious attack on her character. When a narcissistic woman feels like someone is judging her, she may react with hostility, defensiveness, or rage. Say you have a narcissistic sister and she’s having trouble hitting the right chords while playing guitar. You might kindly offer to show her how to play the song. She could instantly lose her temper and tell you, “I never said I was a professional! And it’s not like you’re a musical genius! Get out of here and quit picking on me!”

She doesn’t think about how other people feel. People who struggle to feel empathy for others might respond coldly when someone needs support. If one of her friends is hurting, she might say something like, “That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.” If she seems unable to put herself in someone else’s shoes, she may have some narcissistic tendencies that get in the way of her being a good friend. You might be venting to a friend about an unexpected bill. Instead of expressing empathy and saying, “That sounds so stressful, I hope you’re able to resolve that soon,” she might say, “You don’t have savings? Sounds like you aren’t very responsible with your money.”

She may struggle to form lasting friendships or long partnerships. Due to a fear of vulnerability and a hard time having empathy for others, people with fragile egos often don’t have healthy, reciprocal relationships. This person may instead use her charm to draw people into her web and then try to trap them there because she doesn’t know how to form and maintain friendships based on mutual trust. She may view her relationships as transactional, and because of this, they don’t tend to last. The more they give, the more she takes, until the relationship completely disintegrates.

Dealing with a Female Narcissist

Keep your expectations realistic so you aren’t disappointed. It’s normal to feel hopeful that you can change a toxic person’s behavior. Unfortunately, unless she takes accountability for her actions, things are unlikely to change. Realizing that you can’t change her might help you feel less burdened.

Identify her tactics to avoid being manipulated. Learning more about narcissism will give you extra insight into how she operates. Watch out for two-faced behavior like backhanded compliments, overreacting to perceived slights, or blaming you for things outside of your control. If she’s got an overly competitive side, she might make passive-aggressive comments about your job, your appearance, or anything that might make you feel less-than. Don’t take the bait; ignoring her comments will take the wind out of her sails.

Stay neutral and calm to defuse the situation. It’s understandable if your instinct is to react to her behavior by treating her the same way she treats you. However, if she’s the type who likes to stir up drama, an emotional reaction from you might be what she wants. Instead, try the “gray rock method”: when she’s being mean—emotionally withdraw and make your face as blank as stone. Don’t react to her outburst. After a while, she’ll likely lose steam because you aren’t feeding her need for attention. If you believe she’s the type to respond violently when provoked, don’t use the gray rock method. In this case, it’s best to try to distance yourself as much as possible from this person. If you’re experiencing abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. In the US, call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you need help right away, call emergency services.

Set boundaries to protect yourself. Setting strict boundaries and reinforcing them may help prevent her from taking advantage of you or mistreating you. Tell her which behaviors you refuse to tolerate, clearly and firmly. Let her know what the consequences are if she violates your boundaries, and be sure to follow through on those consequences. If you don’t want her to show up at your home uninvited, let her know it isn’t okay for her to just drop by. If she does, explain that you won’t open the door. After a few attempts, she’ll realize that showing up uninvited is a waste of time. Even though it can be intimidating to enforce your boundaries, hold tight without budging. Boundaries don’t work if they’re only enforced occasionally.

Assert yourself by minimizing contact. Everybody has limits, and honoring yours will help you feel more balanced and in control. If your relationship with this woman is taking a toll on you, be selective about when, where, and how long you spend time with her. One option to consider: only spend time with her while others are present. This can help defuse the intensity of your dynamic, and a manipulative person may be more likely to play nice when they have an audience.

Cut off contact if the relationship is too toxic. If you’ve set boundaries and she continues to ignore them, your relationship may have run its course. If it causes you stress and pain, is it worth holding onto? Although it can be a difficult decision, it might be time to consider whether cutting ties and walking away is in your best interest.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

NPD is a disorder characterized by an elevated sense of one’s importance. Key features include a sense of entitlement, difficulty feeling empathy for others, and the need to be admired. People with NPD are often obsessed with success and envious of others. They may feel compelled to put themselves first and may have a higher tendency than people without this condition to exploit others to get what they want. Male and female narcissists share the same traits, but they can manifest differently. “Lack of empathy” is more apparent in men, while “being envious” is more apparent in women. This may be due to social gender roles. Remember, not everyone with NPD is abusive, nor does someone who is abusive automatically have NPD. In fact, many people with NPD are able to manage their symptoms with therapy and/or medication.