Standing Up for Yourself
Remain calm. A bossy person seeks to throw you off balance so that you are easily controlled. Your first line of defense is to take a deep breath, which activates your body's natural calming response. This will keep you in control of your actions, and the situation as a whole.
Be assertive. There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. You should express your opinions and feelings on an issue and hold your ground. This is not an invitation to attack or turn the tables on your friend. Use phrases like “I can make this decision for myself,” instead of things like “Shut up! I’ll do what I want.”
Stay true to your values and opinions. Letting a friend pressure you into doing something that you disagree with can negatively affect your self esteem. Value yourself as a person enough to feel comfortable setting some boundaries to honor what makes your comfortable. Say “No, I do not feel comfortable doing that.” Not only will this send a clear message to your friend that you do not wish to be bossed around, it will also give you a confidence boost for the next time you need to stand up to someone bossy.
Act in your own best interest. Even if what your friend is telling you to do isn’t something you disagree with, you should ask if it is in your best interest to do it. A friend might try to boss you into doing something that they feel will have negative consequences. This lets the friend get what they want, while avoiding the risk of consequences. For example, if your friend wants to get out of a class, they might try to boss you into pulling the fire alarm in the building. Getting caught would result in disciplinary actions against you, and it is a bad idea to be bossed into these types of activities.
Walking Away
Remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes, removing yourself from the situation just means tuning your friend out for minute. Other times, you may literally have to walk away and put distance between yourself and your friend. This will send a message to your friend that you will not tolerate the bossiness and, at the same time, remove you from the situation. If your friend is insisting that you talk to them during a lecture, you may have to get up and move a few seats down to end the conversation before you end up in trouble. If you cannot move immediately, you can choose to sit away from that friend next time you come to the class.
Spend time with other friends. You should never place your self-worth on the opinion of one person. Deriving your value from the opinion of one friend will give that friend the power to boss you around. As long as you keep a diverse group of friends you will get positive reinforcement with or without your bossier friends.
Point out consequences for bossy behavior. This should be reserved for a last resort. Consequences can often cause a rift or conflict between friends that may or may not heal. If you have tried talking to your friend about the bossiness with no progress, explain to them that there will be consequences for continuing to boss you around. You should never threaten to hurt anyone as a consequence for bossing you around. Appropriate consequences might be something like ending the friendship or refusing to help the friend with things that they need your help on.
Working Together to Change Bossy Behavior
Be empathetic. Bossiness and the need to control other people often stems from a lack of control in one’s own life. Bossy people lash out to control others because they are insecure with themselves, and controlling their friends gives them a sense of power. Understand that the bossiness is not intended to be cruel or hurtful (in most cases), but is a complicated part of the person’s personality. Being empathetic means that you make an effort to understand the feelings of your bossy friend, but does not mean that you should allow them to boss you around.
Talk to your friend about their controlling tendencies. Many bossy and controlling people either do it without realizing that they are being bossy, or have no idea how to stop themselves. Discuss your frustrations with your friend and attempt to open their eyes to how their actions hurt those around them. You are likely to find that your friend is willing to work on their bossy bad habits. You might try having a private conversation with your friend and approaching it gently by saying something like “I know you just want to help me, but sometimes you can come on a little too strong with your opinion.”
Help your friend realize when they are being bossy. If your friend truly wants to change their bossy behaviors, it might be helpful if you politely point out to them when they are crossing a line. Be sure that you discuss this beforehand and come up with a subtle way to let your friend know that isn’t embarrassing in crowds. Belittling your friend when they are being bossy will only damage their self-esteem and fuel the need for controlling others. For example, your might point out when your friend is being bossy by saying something like, "That thing we talked about is happening." Or, coming up with a code word to let your friend know when they are being bossy can work well. For example, you could tell your friend that you will say "squirrel" every time she starts to get bossy.
Know the difference between logical persuasion and emotional manipulation. Be careful to keep your defensiveness in check. If a friend is trying to give you advice that is based on facts and sound reasoning, this might not be a case of someone being bossy. It doesn’t mean that you have to do as your friend suggests, but you should recognize when a request is built on sound logic rather than guilt or emotional manipulation. A friend who is trying to give you sound advice might say something like “I’m not sure it’s a good idea to take that apartment across town. Rent is $1,000 per month and you only make $1,200 per month.” A friend trying to be bossy might say something along the lines of “You can’t move across town and abandon me! What will I do if you bail on me? You have to stay on this side of town.”
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