What Should a Relationship Look Like for a 14-Year-Old? Teen Dating Rules and Guidelines

They should be happy.

A relationship should improve a 14-year-old’s life, not damage it. If a 14-year-old is in a relationship and there’s a lot of crying, screaming, or chaos, it’s a sign that they aren’t in a productive, healthy relationship. You know your child best—if this is making their life more rewarding and engaging, it’s a healthy thing for them. If it isn’t, talk to them about what’s going on. It’s okay if there’s an occasional tiff, some mixed feelings, or confusion every now and then. A 14-year-old has no context for what a relationship should feel like, and some of that friction is good. A little messiness will help them develop a sense for what a relationship should be. A teen shouldn’t be perpetually scared, sad, or upset by their relationship, though. Watch out for dramatic changes in their behavior. If they go from being upbeat and active to withdrawn or possessive, you should check in with them to see what’s going on.

They shouldn’t be attached at the hip.

If they’re hanging out every single day, it can become a bit much. A 14-year-old’s time shouldn’t be monopolized by their relationship. Of course the relationship is going to be very important to them, but they should still have plenty of time for homework, exercise, friends, and hobbies. It’s healthy for a 14-year-old to only see their partner once a week or so—especially if they already go to school with them and they hang out there. Whether you choose to institute a rule here or not is entirely up to you, but you can normally get around this one without setting rules. Require your 14-year-old to attend family dinners, church outings, or family trips, and don’t let them leave the house whenever they please.

They shouldn’t be glued to their phone.

If they’ve amped up their phone usage, pay close attention. A lot of teen dating behavior takes place online these days. If you need to set a rule for social media usage and put limits on their screen time, go for it. Excessive social media and texting can be a sign that your child is obsessing over the relationship and needs a break. Talk to your child about what they’re doing when they’re on their phones, and ask them to show you things they’re engaged in if they seem to be spending a lot of time doing it. This is a nearly-universal problem for parents today—kids just spend a ton of time online. It’s okay for you to be a little weirded out by the fixation on their phone, but don’t assume your child has a unique issue if they’re enthralled.

They should still pursue hobbies and interests.

If your child has stopped doing things they enjoy, it’s a red flag. If your child was really excited about the upcoming school play but they’ve since changed their tune after they started dating, it might be a big sign that they’re in an unhealthy relationship. You know your child. If they’re still pursuing personal goals and projects, their relationship is probably a positive force in their life. Teens don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to interpreting “alone time,” and your child’s partner might get possessive and jealous if they spend time doing other things. If you get a whiff of this going on, remind your child that their partner is wrong and encourage them to stick to their values. In some abusive relationships, the abuser will keep their partner from spending time with their friends and family. If your child seems to spend less time around you, it could definitely be a red flag.

Set clear expectations for dating behavior.

You are in charge of where the lines are, so communicate them clearly. Have a conversation with your child about how you expect them to behave when they’re dating. Be concrete and clear about where the boundaries are when it comes to showing affection, curfews, and drug/alcohol use. Do your best to explain why you’re instituting these ground rules as you’re setting them so that your child knows you have their wellbeing in mind. For example, you may have a rule that they need to check in via text every 1-3 hours when they’re not home, or that they have to call you whenever they go somewhere new with their partner. You might set a hard 9 p.m. curfew, or require their partner to come in and say hello before the two of them go out together. Set rewards for your child! Tell them that if they’re open with you, don’t hide anything, and don’t complain about questions you have that you’ll take them on a trip they want to go on, or get them that new Xbox for Christmas. Let them know what will happen if they violate any ground rules you set. Remember, you can always revoke their right to date. At 14, it’s a privilege, not a right. Hayley DiMarco Hayley DiMarco, Teen Relationship Expert While teen relationships can certainly bring joy, parents must set wise boundaries to protect inexperienced hearts. Early romance should remain light and low-commitment, not detract from key priorities. Guide teens to avoid inappropriate physical intimacy and over-dependence, instead nurturing friendships.

Talk to your child about boundaries.

Affirm your child so that they feel comfortable saying no. Explain what consent is, and why it’s important in a relationship. Also, point out what abusive or unhealthy behavior might look like. Keep reminding your child that they’re in total control over their body, what they do, and what they say. Above all, remind your child that you’re a resource and that if they ever need help or have questions about their partner’s behavior, you’re there for them. Talk to your child about sex, and explain why you’d be unhappy about them crossing that line at 14. Explain to your teen that should never feel like they have to do something to please their partner. At 14, your child probably isn’t so new to this that they’ll be totally confused by topics like consent and abuse, so they may roll their eyes or say “I know” over and over again. Still, even if it seems like they don’t need to hear this from you, they do!

Ask your child about their partner.

Be excited for them and ask a lot of questions to learn more. Even if you aren’t super thrilled about them dating, your child will be more likely to share things with you if you are positive and interested. Ask them about what their partner is interested in, and what they have in common. Not only will this set the tone for your child to know they shouldn’t feel ashamed or strange talking to you about this stuff, but it will give you some insight into the nature of their relationship. You can ask to meet the person they’re dating in person—that’s a great way for you to figure out what kind of partner has chosen. Whatever you do, try not to admonish your child for who they’ve chosen to date. That will only encourage them further to keep dating them. It can be a little touchy and confusing when kids are 14, but get contact information for the other child’s parents if you can. This way, you can always reach out if something concerns you.

Keep doors open at all times.

Your child will want privacy at 14, but it’s still early for alone time. Your child’s partner will probably end up coming over at some point (potentially very often). When they do, you’ve got a tough balancing act ahead of you—give your child space to be themselves, but don’t leave them alone for hours at a time. The “open door” policy is a good one here! This way, nothing too problematic can take place on your watch. When your child’s partner is over, don’t go out of your way to “check in” on them. However, you can always do some chores that involve walking past their room every now and then, or pop in to ask if they’re hungry.

Maintain reasonable supervision.

Don’t give them too much freedom to go off on their own. At 14, it can be hard to figure out exactly where the line is when it comes to monitoring your child outside of the home. Use your best judgement, but air on the side of caution. If you’re uncomfortable with letting your child go somewhere or do something alone, put your foot down. If your child wants to go on a movie date, you might suggest joining them and sitting in a different row. If they go on a dinner date, you might grab a table on the other side of the restaurant. Offer rides! This is a good way to make sure everything is above board without giving your child the sensation that you’re going over the top with the surveillance.

Monitor social media and texts strategically.

Be clear about when and why you check their digital behavior. If your child thinks you’re spying on their every move, they’ll be inclined to act out or hide things. At the same time, you should look at what they’re doing and saying online and via text. Ask your child to share their text messages with you periodically, and scan their Instagram or Facebook for anything problematic. Many parents have their children turn their phone in at night. This is a good time to review and scan what they’re up to. It’s also a good way to keep your child from staying up all night texting their partner. If your child is extremely responsible and you’ve never checked their texts/behavior before, tread lightly here and don’t do anything too intrusive. Your child may feel like they’re being punished for dating if you change your privacy policy out of nowhere.

Let your child know you’ve always got their back.

Dating can be intense when you’re 14, so let them know your door is open. If you don’t emphasize that you’re a resource for your child, they’re going to be scared to be honest with you when it’s most important. Whether you’re laying ground rules, talking about consent, or expressing doubt at their decision making, always wrap up your interactions by telling them that you love them and will help them out when they need it. You might say something like, “Look, I know I’m probably throwing a lot at you, and you’re going to make your own decisions sometimes regardless of what I say, but if you ever have a question or need help, I’m here for you. Even if it’s embarrassing, or scary, I’ve got your back.”

Take a deep breath and be supportive.

If you only ever talk about dating, that’s all they’ll think about. Don’t obsess over this. Your child is going to go through ups and downs the same way you did when you were a teenager. Try not to get too freaked out or concerned here; so long as your child is safe, things will work out. Just aim to keep your lines of communication open, be honest, and don’t blow things out of proportion. A 14-year-old can pick up on an adult’s energy. If you act like this is a huge deal, you may give your child the impression that dating is super important or dangerous.