Sex may permeate our popular culture, but conversations about it are still associated with stigma and shame in Indian households. As a result, most individuals dealing with sexual health issues or trying to find information about sex often resort to unverified online sources or follow the unscientific advice of their friends.
To address the widespread misinformation about sex, News18.com is running this weekly sex column, titled ‘Let’s Talk Sex’, every Friday. We hope to initiate conversations about sex through this column and address sexual health issues with scientific insight and nuance.
The column is being written by Sexologist Prof (Dr) Saransh Jain. In today’s column, Dr Jain explains BDSM and things you need to keep in mind before trying it.
If you’ve ever fantasised about getting kinky in the bedroom, you’re not alone. When most people think of kinky sex, they think of BDSM. BDSM, however, is about a lot more than the act of having sex. In fact, a ‘scene’ may not involve sex or even touching.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is a four-letter acronym that refers to a spectrum of sexual behaviours and preferences: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism.
BDSM usually involves partners taking on specific roles in which one partner is dominant and the other is submissive. It may involve wide range of activities, from light paddle spanking and dominant/submissive role-playing to bondage parties and pain play. While BDSM is often portrayed as deviant or taboo, research has shown that it is a very common fantasy and is practised by many individuals and couples.
Every aspect of BDSM is consensual and should be talked about beforehand. The most common subcultures of BDSM include:
• Bondage: Bondage is a sexual practice in which tools are used to restrain one partner during a sexual encounter, with the aim to heighten mutual sexual stimulation. The most common restraints include rope, leather straps, bondage tape, ties, handcuffs, spreader bars, ball gags, blindfolds and chains.
• Discipline: The dominant partner will set rules that the submissive partner obeys. These rules can be sexual in nature. If the submissive partner breaks a rule, the dominant partner will assign punishment, including withholding pleasure, inflicting pain, or assigning additional rules. Both partners experience sexual pleasure in discipline role play.
• Dominance and Submission: Dominance and submission focus on the flow of power and energy between partners. In general, one partner dominates the other physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually during a particular encounter (often called a ‘scene’ or ‘session’), exploring the submissive partner’s desires, thoughts, and feelings and guiding the couple toward mutual pleasure.
• Sadomasochism: Individuals derive sexual pleasure and a rush of endorphins from inflicting or receiving pain (always consensually). Those who enjoy inflicting this pain are known as sadists, while those who enjoy feeling this pain are called masochists.
Tips and Tricks for Practising BDSM
If you want to experiment with BDSM for the first time but are unsure where to start, here are a few tips to make sure your experience is safe, consensual and fun:
• Set ground rules with your partner: To engage in healthy BDSM play, you and your partner should both agree on what you’re comfortable with before you begin, nobody should feel pressured into a particular role or feel as if they don’t have a choice.
• Start lightly and slowly: If you’re new to BDSM, avoid buying a complicated rope system or a fancy leather outfit. Light BDSM practices are a good starting point for figuring out what you like and what you are comfortable with. Role-playing scenes or engaging in dirty talk, for example, can help you explore your fantasies.
• Role-play ideas: If you’re unsure how to begin a BDSM relationship with your partner or feeling self-conscious, consider some role-play scenarios that can help jumpstart the action. Boss and employee, teacher and student, doctor and patient, or two strangers? Role-play will help distance yourself from the situation, which can be a great way to get over stage fright so that you can relax and enjoy.
• Safety first: When planning your BDSM fun, be sure to consider safety. This means making sure the restraints are not too tight, you don’t want to cause any nerve damage during your BDSM. If the restraint is too tight, or if you partner starts panicking, or if s/he just needs to go to the bathroom, you want to be able to release the ties easily. Having safety scissors at hand is a good idea if you’re using rope, scarves or a similar material for tying.
Aftercare is Important
Aftercare is an essential part of BDSM, in which partners wind down together after the experience. When engaging in BDSM, sometimes women can experience Postcoital Dysphoria (PCD) which includes symptoms like anxiety, irritability or motiveless crying. Countering this with aftercare, which incorporates emotional intimacy and communication, is important, especially for BDSM. So don’t just go to bed after intense sex. Check in with your partner and make sure they’re okay.
BDSM can look different to different couples, and that’s okay. Exploring BDSM doesn’t have to begin with buying a leather body suit and handcuffs. It can be as simple as seeing what happens when you break from your regular bedroom routine and enter a new world of sex. Don’t let socially constructed taboos get in the way of pleasure. Go forth and get naughty.
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