What does it mean to be dominant?
Dominant people tend to seek more power over others. Power, very generally speaking, means that you have the ability to either give or withhold things that other people need. Power is different from social rank or status, which you can get without doing anything. Sometimes, social rank or status can come with power, but that power evaporates once you're no longer in that rank or status. For example, you might have power in high school because you are a member of a varsity sports team. But after you graduate, you'll no longer have that power. In contrast, you tend to hang onto power you acquire through your own dominant actions—you carry it with you regardless of your rank or status.
21 Ways to Be More Dominant
Adopt a growth mindset. A growth mindset just means that you believe your abilities and behaviors aren't fixed for life. Rather, you can change them if you want. This mindset is crucial if you want to become more dominant—especially if dominance doesn't come naturally to you. It might seem like a really basic thing but you can't really change anything about yourself without believing that it's possible!
Look after your physical appearance. This doesn't mean that you have to look like a fashion model, but dominant people tend to be well-groomed and appropriately dressed for the occasion. And studies show dressing to impress gives your self-esteem a boost as well, so you'll not only look more dominant, you'll feel more dominant too. While looks aren't everything when it comes to being dominant and appearances can be deceiving, you'll often get a lot further if you look the part. For example, suppose your manager needs someone to make a presentation to a client at the last minute. If you came to work wearing a suit instead of jeans and a t-shirt (or had a suit on hand), you'd be ready to take the lead.
Move through the world with confidence. Dominance is a social trait, meaning you can't act dominant unless there's another person to dominate. Beyond that, other people have to agree to follow your lead—and the easiest way to make that happen is to look like a leader. If you walk into a room as though you belong there, people will take notice. To exude confidence, stand and walk with good posture and take up space. Hold your head high and make brief eye contact with people. For example, when you walk into a room, you might stride to an empty chair, making brief eye contact with each person you walk past and nodding to them.
Step up and take charge when necessary. Research shows that people who are more dominant are also more driven to pursue power. So it stands to reason that people who frequently take on leadership roles are often seen as more dominant people. Keep in mind that a good leader is not the same thing as a dictator. Taking charge also means taking responsibility.
Look for opportunities to exercise more control. For a dominant person, the drive for control goes hand in hand with the drive for power. The more control you have, the more power you have over various parts of the whole. Every decision that you give to make unleashes an opportunity for you to exert your control and express your dominance in the process. The best part is that you can do this without even taking charge! For example, if your partner wants to remodel the living room, you might say, "Before we pick new furniture we need to paint. I'll pick out the paint and we can go from there."
Speak clearly and with confidence. Dominant people always make sure that they're heard and understood. Enunciate your words clearly and speak loudly enough that everyone who needs to hear you can hear you. Avoid up-talk or filler words that can make you sound less confident. If you replace basic filler words like "um" with a phrase such as "you see," your speech will sound more intentional even though the phrase serves the same function. You might also repeat back a paraphrase of what the other person said. It shows that you're listening and allows them to correct any misunderstanding while also giving you time to think about a confident response. It also helps to simply pause and collect your thoughts before saying what you're going to say. This also provides space to make sure the other person has finished talking.
Stand up for what is right. Being dominant means not compromising your values, which means when you see something going on that isn't in line with your values, you say something about it. This assertiveness is what sets a dominant person apart from a bully. You want to be dominant, not domineering. A person who is domineering acts only for themselves, while a person who is dominant acts for the good of everyone involved.
Take a time-out if you get emotionally heated. Dominant people are seen as being in control—and you can't be in control if you're flying off the handle about something. When your emotions are starting to overwhelm you, excuse yourself and do some deep breathing exercises to calm down before you react to the situation. If you seem to be in control of your emotions, people will find it easier to rely on you—especially in a crisis situation.
Convince rather than ask. When you ask someone for permission to do something (or to do something for you), you're giving them the upper hand because they have the power to say no. If you want to be dominant, look for ways to "make them an offer they can't refuse"—be persuasive, and don't take no for an answer! If you feel intimidated by this, don't be! Sometimes people will back down the second they're challenged—and even if they don't, you're still not in any worse position than you were before. At the same time, be empathetic and take other people's perspectives into account—they'll actually be more willing to go along with what you want if they feel heard.
Assign people tasks to get the job done. A dominant person leads, which means they're typically going to get others to do the lion's share of the work. That doesn't mean they won't roll up their sleeves and pitch in when necessary, but they also know that teamwork makes the dream work. To act more dominant, simply tell people what to do, rather than asking them if they'll do something or asking generally what people are willing to do. For example, if you've got a few people together to set up for a party, you might say, "Okay—Laura, set out the chairs. Mike, work on the sound system with me. The rest of you can take care of the food." If someone doesn't want to do something you've told them to do, they might refuse, but that doesn't put you in any worse of a position than you were before. Often, though, people will just go along with whatever you say.
Act only in line with your core values. Identify your core values and then only make decisions that are consistent with those values. You'll always feel comfortable with your decisions and you'll be able to make them very quickly—which is a common ability with dominant people. For example, you're offered a promotion but it would require you to move away from your hometown where all of your family lives. If family is one of your core values, you wouldn't even have to think about this—your family comes first.
Do what you say and say what you mean. People with dominant personalities tend to be very direct and straightforward. Because they're not worried about pleasing others, they feel free to tell it like it is—even if that honesty might upset someone. If they say they're going to do something (or not do something), others know they can count on that. Be careful not to over-promise—make sure whatever you tell people is something that will be relatively easy for you to deliver. Over time, you'll build a reputation for being an honest and reliable person.
Prepare for things that could foreseeably happen. A big part of being dominant is not being caught unaware. After all, it's pretty hard to dominate in a situation you weren't prepared for. But the more you're prepared for, the more control you have. And everyone will benefit from lower stress because they know that if something happens, you're ready. For example, you might book a backup indoor venue in case the event at the park gets rained out. This is often as simple as having a charger handy in case someone's phone dies or having an umbrella in case it rains. Look for little ways you can prepare for something that will likely happen. If something happens once, prepare so that it won't be a problem if it comes up again.
Take responsibility when things don't go according to plan. A dominant person wants to show that they are in control, which means they don't blame other people when things go awry. Instead, they analyze and learn from their mistakes so they can prevent a similar outcome next time. Don't go overboard, though! Only take responsibility for things that were within your control to do differently. There's no need to accept the blame for something that wasn't your fault or that you couldn't have reasonably done anything to prevent.
Celebrate your wins and learn from your losses. Dominant people tend to be really competitive and have a drive to win and be the best at whatever they do. But when they lose, they know how to look back at their performance and figure out what they need to improve on so they can come out on top next time. Dominant people are authentically proud of their accomplishments and victories and openly celebrate their strengths—so don't be shy about celebrating something you did well.
Tackle problems head on. A dominant person isn't one to sweep something under the rug or keep kicking a can down the road—no, they're going to deal with a problem efficiently as soon as it presents itself so they don't have to deal with it anymore. Instead of ignoring a problem and hoping it will go away, be more dominant and take steps to resolve it. For example, if you notice your car making a funny noise, you might take it to a mechanic and get the problem fixed rather than waiting until your car breaks down. Doing this also allows you more time for planning so you can be more in control. If the car repairs are more than you can afford but the mechanic says you can drive the car for another month without making the repair, that means you've got time to save money instead of having to take out a costly emergency loan. This is even better if it's a problem that no one else has noticed yet—then you can really be the hero who saves the day!
Set and enforce firm boundaries with other people. Setting boundaries is actually an act of self-care because you're making sure people don't walk all over you. More dominant people tend to do whatever it takes to ensure that someone else isn't controlling them or taking advantage of them. It's pointless to establish boundaries if you're not going to enforce them—remember that people with dominant personalities don't say something unless they mean it.
Stay sober in public settings. This doesn't mean that you can't have a drink every now and then, but alcohol and recreational drugs cause you to lose control, and that's the last thing a dominant person wants to do. Plus, being in control allows you to step in if others have gone too far and need help. This self-control is what sets a dominant person apart from an abusive person. An abusive person often has a lack of self-control and seeks to control the people around them as a result. Research shows self-control combined with grit (pursuing a goal despite setbacks) is likely to lead to success. No surprise these are also 2 traits associated with dominant personalities.
Decide and act quickly. People with dominant personalities don't spend a lot of time analyzing all of the possible outcomes before making a decision—they simply pick what they want and go with it. They don't doubt themselves or question their ability to make the right choice. A lot of this comes from self-confidence—when you feel confident in yourself and your abilities, you don't second-guess yourself.
Take risks on out-of-the-box ideas. Dominant personalities aren't afraid to take risks because they aren't afraid of failure. If you want to be more dominant, don't be afraid to take a chance on something that has the potential to pay off big. For example, you might go with an up-and-coming coach over one with experience in the hopes that they'll take the team in a different direction. You can do this in relationships too! For example, you might take a risk on booking a vacation for your partner instead of buying them any gifts for their birthday.
Maintain a positive and optimistic outlook. People with dominant personalities look forward to the future because they know that they're in control and believe things are likely to go their way. They view setbacks as temporary and know that with hard work they'll eventually end up on top. If you've done your homework and are prepared for any contingencies, you have reason to be optimistic—you know you can handle whatever comes your way.
Being Sexually Dominant
Discuss the dynamic with your partner. Dominance and submission is a sexual kink based on some degree of power exchange between the two partners. Typically, one partner (the submissive) gives up all or most of their power to their partner (the dominant), who then takes care of them and directs them during a sexual scene. Some dominant and submissive relationships go beyond the bedroom, but it's usually best to experiment with power exchange in the bedroom first, then gradually expand that dynamic if it suits you. It's helpful to talk about how far you and your partner want the power exchange to go. Regardless, always allow your partner to choose safe words and gestures that will stop play if things go sideways for them. You'll probably also find it beneficial to read about dominance and submission practices in the kink community. Reading and discussing with your partner can help the two of you come up with ideas as well.
Plan how the sexual scene will play out. As a dominant, make sure you have a good understanding of your partner's limits so you can plan a scene within those. Then, discuss the scene with your partner so they can help you plan for any possible issues. If your partner wants to be surprised by the scene, just mention anything that might present a safety concern for them. For example, if you plan to blindfold your partner, you'd want to make sure that they wouldn't accidentally hurt themselves while they couldn't see.
Direct the action of the scene. This is ultimately what a sexual dom does, once all of the negotiating and planning is out of the way. Scenes involving dominance and submission are rarely spontaneous (especially at first) because of the potential safety issues involved. After you and your partner have been in the dynamic for a while, you can start being more spontaneous because you'll be more familiar with each other's boundaries and preferences.
Respect your partner's boundaries. Even though you're in charge and in control, that doesn't mean you get to treat your partner however you want. It also doesn't mean that you can tell them to do whatever you want or punish them if they refuse. You have a power exchange, which means your partner can withdraw from that exchange at any point. They entered into that exchange because they trust you to respect their boundaries. Typically, you'll also have a safeword in place in case something happens that neither of you anticipated in advance or your partner just gets overwhelmed in the moment.
Add props or accessories to spice things up. Being dominant in bed actually has nothing to do with whips and chains—even if these kinks are pretty closely associated. But if you and your partner are interested in experimenting with bondage or kink play, go for it! Sometimes, accessories and props can help you and your partner better get into the right headspace for the dynamic. For example, you might have your partner wear a collar while you're in a scene to symbolize that they belong to you. Ultimately, you and your partner get to decide what dominance and submission means for you and what other activities it includes.
Engage in aftercare following every scene. Talk to your partner about what this looks like for them, because different people have different needs. People might also have different aftercare needs depending on the type of scene. For example, some people might want to cuddle together after a scene, while others need to get something to eat or take a shower. Aftercare is super important to reinforce your emotional connection with your partner.
Encouraging Dominant Traits in Others
Compliment them on their leadership skills. Research shows that when you tell someone they're good at something, they make that thing a part of their identity. So if you want to encourage someone to be more dominant, praising them when they exhibit dominant behavior is a great place to start. For example, you might say, "I'm so glad you stepped in and took charge there—you're so great at cutting to the heart of the matter." Once they get used to the idea that they're good at it, they'll start stepping up to be a leader more because they'll feel like they have something to offer.
Give them regular feedback. Tell them what they're doing well and what they can improve on. This reinforces that it's within their control to be more dominant and that they're making progress towards that goal. This also helps keep them focused on their strengths rather than on any weaknesses or obstacles. Help them focus on building on their strengths first, then improving where they can.
Remove roadblocks to help them become more dominant. If you see something standing in their way and you can do something about that, you'll make it that much easier for them to become the dominant person they've always wanted to be. For example, if your partner wants to be more dominant about choosing a restaurant but also wants to take your preferences into account, you might write them a list of your favorite and least favorite restaurants in your city.
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