How to Deal With a Jealous Person

Learning About Jealousy

Don’t be alarmed if someone talks or acts negatively around you. Jealousy can cause people to think negative things that are untrue about themselves and the relationships they are in. A person who is feeling jealous of you may take the things you say and do personally, even when your statements/actions are not directed toward him. For example, if you are out together and you are sleepy and need to go home early because you have had a long day, he may feel as though you are bored by him. Do not be defensive in response to his negativity. Instead, be open about what is going on with you. For example, say “The reason why I am yawning is not because of you. I enjoy hanging out with you. I am sleepy because I had to wake up at five in the morning to be at work early for a meeting.”

Notice if the person only seems to see the good things and doesn’t seem to notice the bad in your life. Some people experience jealousy because they have difficulty understanding the complexity of the lives of others. This is because they are preoccupied with their own insecurities. If you notice how often someone brings up how well things are going for you, and she seems resentful about it, remind her that there is a lot going on in your life that she may not necessarily be aware of. You may be unable to change a jealous person’s perspective, but you can start sharing with her the struggles and challenges you face in life. For example, you can say, “When we were on the camping trip, I got so lost that I almost decided to turn around and go home after just one day.”

Ask yourself if your friend or partner feels threatened or insecure in your relationship. Some people struggle with jealousy because they are afraid that you will leave them. This can cause them to see other people as a threat. For example, the person may talk about how great your relationships are with other people because he doesn't feel like he is as close with you, and this makes him jealous. Unfortunately, the good relationships you have make him feel threatened, even though you may not feel the same way or even compare the two relationships yourself.

Recognize that social media can exacerbate the problem. Social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and others can make everyone’s life look perfect. Typically, people post pictures and stories about their best moments, leaving out all the struggles and fears they are facing. For some people, this can lead to strong feelings of jealousy. This distorted view may make these people feel like they know who you are and about your life when they do not. Consider changing the privacy settings on your social media page if you feel this is a problem for you.

Learn how and when to distance yourself from a jealous person. If you understand what it is that is making a person jealous, you may be able to improve the situation by changing your behavior. If the person becomes jealous when, for example, she hears about your new boyfriend, avoid taking about him when this person is present. Do not allow this person to see pictures of you and your boyfriend on social media. Don’t schedule time together with your boyfriend and this person. Be aware though, that you should find a solution to this problem that helps the person be OK with your new relationship, rather than just hiding it from her. Sometimes, it is best for you to give the person some space. When you do see the person, keep the conversations short and focused. You can say something positive and then move on. For example, if this is a colleague you can say something like, “I heard you did really well on that sales call. Keep up the good work!”

Communicating Effectively

Tell the person how you feel. If you are talking to a friend who is acting jealously toward you, use “I statements” to help you communicate your feelings with him. Start by saying “I feel” and then describe your feelings in relation to one specific thing that person has done or said. For example, you can say, “I feel uncomfortable when you say mean things about my other friends, because it makes me feel like you want to be my only friend.” The “I feel” statement should not be followed up or changed in a way that makes it not about your own feelings. For example, do not say things like “I feel like you,” “You make me feel,” or “It makes me feel.” These statements take away from your ownership of your feelings. For example, "You make me feel uncomfortable" is not specific. Additionally, it blames your feelings on someone else. Here are a few words you can use to convey your feelings: pressured, anxious, nervous, on-edge, afraid, confused, resentful, insecure, empty, mad, annoyed, etc.

Describe the behavior that is upsetting you. You should talk about only the behaviors you can observe and not what you assume the motives for the behavior are. This is the best way to deal with a problem like this because it allows you to accurately express your feelings without accusing the other person. For example, if your friend tells you that you are his best friend in a way that makes you feel obligated to say it back, say “I feel pressured to say you are my best friend when you tell me I am your best friend several times in one night.” Do not say "You are trying to force me to say you are my best friend." Avoid using labels, over-generalizing, threatening, moralizing, giving ultimatums, mind-reading, or making assumptions when you talk about the behavior of the other person. For example, don’t say, “I feel uncomfortable when you try to force me to call you my best friend.” This is called mind-reading, and it means you assume that you understand what is going on inside of the other person's head. Talking about his behavior in terms of a specific action can make the person feel less resentful and guilty than if you were to confront him with assuming statements, which are common in confrontations.

Explain how her actions have affected you, or say what you think her actions mean. Give the reasons for why you feel the way that you do. You should reflect back on your own understandings, memories, feelings, anticipations, expectations, etc. in the friendship or relationship with regard to the jealous behavior. For example, you can explain your feelings by saying “I feel anxious when you ask me if I am going to hang out with my other friends, because I expect you to get upset if I say I want to hang out with my other friends.” You can also talk about how you interpret the meaning of what she did. For example, you can say “I feel anxious when you ask me again if I want to go hang out with my other friend instead of you, because it makes me feel like you are insecure about our friendship” Avoid blaming your feelings on the other person in your explanation. For example, do not say, “I feel pressured to text you back because you are such a jealous person.”

Finding Ways to Deal with Jealousy in a Romantic Relationship

Distinguish between relationship abuse and jealousy. Below are some warning signs that may let you know that you are in an abusive relationship. If there is a person who is isolating you, controlling you, or showing signs of extreme jealousy, you should seek help. If the person refuses to let you go out places because he is worried that you will meet someone else. If the person puts down your friends or family often because he wants your full devotion. If the person checks in with you often to monitor what you are doing. If the person often questions you about your activities. If the person is checking your cell phone, web history, email exchanges etc.. If you are unsure whether you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. This hotline is free and confidential and can help you determine whether you are suffering from abuse.

Ask your partner to come have a talk with you. Ask your partner when and where would be a good time to have a conversation. If you can, try to suggest a calm, quiet place where you can talk freely without distractions. Sit somewhere comfortable where you can face each other. Make sure that distractions such as the television, cell phones, laptops, tablets, etc. are all on silent and put away.

Be open with your partner about your feelings. Again, talk about your feelings using “I statements.” Communicate the behavior that is bothering you, and how you feel. While you should use I statements to discuss specific instances of jealousy, you also may want to talk about when you remember noticing these patterns and what you think those patterns mean for your relationship. For example, you can say “Because I had a boyfriend who was jealous before, I felt stressed and alarmed when I read your text asking who I was with.”

Focus on explaining your own side clearly. When you are describing why you feel a certain way, talk about why you are feeling a certain way in terms of your memories, expectations, understandings, hopes, and interpretations of the situation. Use sentence stems like “I imagined...” “I understand that...” or “I wanted to...” to help you communicate clearly to your partner what is going on with you. For example, "I wanted you to let me know before you came over, because it makes me feel like you do not trust me when you show up unannounced." Avoid blaming your partner for your feelings. For example, don’t say, “Because you are jealous I feel trapped."

Try problem solving your trust issues together. This means both people take an active role in trying to build trust in the relationship. Take a specific problem in your relationship and break it down. Each partner should explain how he or she wishes the other person would respond. Afterwards, you can create tasks that each partner can do to help the situation and ways to stay positive. For example, an active solution would be to say, “I’ll make a couple seconds of eye contact with you when I am talking to another girl to let you know that I love you.” Avoid making big, unrealistic requests. For example, saying, “I wish you wouldn’t talk to other girls” is not a healthy way to solve the situation. Solutions should be practical and actionable.

Work on your communication skills as a couple. When you are talking about jealousy or the problems in your relationship, try a few simple techniques to help build respect and compassion in your communication. Speak in short sentences and be compassionate to the other person’s feelings. Finally, acknowledge what she is saying and respond in a way that shows that you understand what she said. You can show compassion by saying, “I really appreciate that you are being honest and sharing your feelings with me. I know that this is difficult to talk about.” You can demonstrate understanding by repeating back what the other person has said. For example, if she says she feels afraid and jealous when you speak to an ex-partner, you can respond with “I hear you say that you don't feel comfortable that I am friends with my ex-girlfriend, and I wonder what I can do to make you feel more secure.”