Keeping It Interesting
Play together. Develop mutual interests with your partner to help your relationship grow or stay strong. It's important to have common interests other than your love for each other. At first, passion may be enough to keep your love going, but once your relationship matures, it's important to share common interests or activities so that your relationship stays fresh. You should work on sharing hobbies, whether you bake desserts together, go hiking together, or find a good book that you can both read. Have a couple culture project. Try watching one movie together a week, or having your own mini-book club. This can motivate you to learn new things and keep your conversations interesting.
Maintain some individual passions and friends. Balancing time apart with time together promotes interdependence. Both of you need it in order to maintain your own interests, as well as to realize how grateful you are when your partner is around. Healthy relationships are secure enough so that each of you can get some space every now and then. While it's important to share passions, you should still have something that's just yours whether it's a weekly spa visit or a poker night with your friends.
Find solo joy. Don't count on your partner to bring you happiness. Just as you should make sure to have your own hobbies, you should also be sure that you are happy on your own. So many people enter relationships hoping that their mates will make them happy. This is an unrealistic expectation, and only causes the relationship to suffer. Don't expect your partner to bring you happiness. Set goals and take action to reach them. Build a strong support network outside of the relationship. Do work that adds meaning to your life.
Show appreciation and support for your mate. Even if you think your love is rock solid, never take your loved one for granted. No matter how busy your days are, make time away from computers, phones, and televisions to catch up on each other's days. Compliment your significant other at least once a day. For bonus points, find something new to say every time! Don't come to expect your partner's good deeds. Tell your date or partner “thanks” when they show up with flowers. Showing appreciation reinforces positive behaviors.
Spice it up in the romance department. Be sure to add interest to your love life with exciting dates and love-making. It's easy to fall into a rut and think you're no longer attracted to your partner merely because the two of you never do anything new. Schedule weekly date nights where you spend time together one-on-one. These don't have to be fancy—go to a movie, have dinner in your home, or feed the ducks at the local pond. Check in with your partner often to ensure they're content in the romance department. Start by sharing your own feelings like “Our date last week was really fun! It was nice to be with you in a different way. What did you think about it?”
Commit at your own pace. The biggest mistake you can make is putting your foot on the gas to catch up with all the speeding cars around you—you just may end up crashing. Let your relationship develop in its own time without trying to hurry up to some far-off finish line. Just because your best friend shacked up with her boyfriend of three weeks doesn't mean that you and your beau have to go apartment hunting ASAP. On the other hand, be wary if they delay making a commitment. Talk to them to ensure that you both have the same goals. Ask, “Could we talk about where we see our relationship going?”
Being a Good Communicator
Share your thoughts and feelings openly. If something is bothering you, it's important to let your loved one know so you can tackle the problem together. On the flip side, your communication shouldn't exclusively revolve around discussing issues. Spend time sharing your opinions, ideas, and dreams, too. Set aside time daily to chat with your significant other. Pick the right place and time to talk, somewhere free of distractions. If discussing an issue, stick to “I” or “we” statements. These minimize any fault-finding and allow you to take ownership of your feelings.
Be an active listener. The healthiest relationships are undermined when partners listen to respond rather than listening to understand. When your partner is talking, make them feel like they are the most important person in the universe. Turn to face them. Make eye contact. Nod or encourage them to continue. Rephrase what your partner said to ensure that you got the right message. It may sound like, “So, it sounds like you're saying…” Consider your partner's feelings when communicating. Validate their emotional experience by saying something like: “I can see that you're hurt.”
Demonstrate honesty and trustworthiness. Although the truth is sometimes painful to hear, the only way to preserve trust and integrity in your relationship is by being honest. Admit it when you're wrong. Apologize when you make a mistake. Your partner will appreciate your truthfulness and see you as more trustworthy. Encourage your partner to do the same, but don't demand it. Oftentimes, your partner will return the honesty if they see it coming from you first.
Communicate your personal boundaries. Personal boundaries define the line where your partner ends and you begin. Even though the two of you are close, you will still have different needs, wants, and limitations. Each of you should take time figuring out what your boundaries are, and then communicate them to your partner. Share your boundaries in a calm and polite manner. For example, you might say, “I have been thinking about my personal boundaries and I wanted to share them with you…” Boundaries can be any principles you want to live by. These may include making sure your partner respects your privacy, allows you time to yourself, and acknowledges your values and spiritual beliefs.
Resolving Conflict
Be okay with conflict, but choose your battles carefully. Many couples have a tendency to sweep problems under the rug because they fear conflict. In truth, conflict is a normal and necessary aspect that allows a relationship to grow. You and your partner are going to have disagreements. That's fine. However, your entire relationship shouldn't be marked by arguments. A healthy relationship should involve primarily positive interactions. If either partner is always complaining or nagging, your relationship could be in jeopardy. Know when to lay off on the nitpicking. Approach your partner with issues that compromise your values or the health of the relationship. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a month, a year, or five years?” If not, let it slide.
Pause before saying something you'll regret. Follow the 48-hour rule when resolving conflict. Anger can corrode communication and lead to words being exchanged that you later wish you had kept to yourself. Take time apart to cool off before rehashing an argument. Give yourself a day or two before discussing the problem with your partner. Take care of yourself emotionally during this time. You could even jot down your thoughts about the disagreement. Once you're feeling calm, bring up the issue in a courteous tone. Use “I” statements like “I was really disappointed that you flaked on my performance the other night. It was a big deal to me, and I'd hoped you'd be there.”
Be willing to compromise. You shouldn't be keeping score of wins and losses because if your partner loses, so does the relationship. Don't develop a need to be right or always get your way. Learn the art of compromise. Stand up for what you believe in, but within reason. When you disagree on an issue, decide who cares about the issue the most. If it's not that important to you, give in and compromise with your partner. Remember: both people should be willing to compromise. If you're always the only one compromising, it's time to have a talk.
Check-in regularly to catch small issues before they blow up. If you want to avoid having big serious talks all the time, remember that if something small ticks you off, you can tell your significant other without making a big deal about it. That way, you can avoid being passive-aggressive or having built up tension. Choose a time to sit down each week and discuss your relationship's health. Jot down any feedback, both positive and negative. Point out the positive aspects of your partner and relationship, and offer advice on how to improve the negative aspects. For example, you might say, “I noticed that you're still having trouble keeping up with your part of the housework. Is there anything I can do to help you improve in that area?"
Accept your partner's differences. The worst thing you can do is view your partner through a distorted lens. Acknowledge and accept who they really are rather than your idea of them. Respect their unique background and experiences as different than your own. Keeping in mind that you have different histories and therefore different perspective can go a long way towards resolving conflict. Also, give them the benefit of the doubt always. It's easy once you've known someone for a while to start assuming what they did or didn't do. Avoid this tactic and give your partner the liberty to evolve with time like anyone else.
Look forward. In order to make your relationship work, you have to drop old hurts and let the past stay in the past. Whether you are hung up on your partner's past relationships or dwelling on old arguments, this type of behavior can lead to a split. Once an issue has been resolved, take down the rearview mirror and don't bring it up again. Give issues time to resolve. For example, if your significant other has an annoying habit, don't expect it to go away overnight. This doesn't necessarily mean that you should forgive and forget everything. For example, if your significant other is abusive, you should seek help.
Seek couples counseling. You and your partner may have trouble getting over disagreements. Conflict resolution is a learned skill; it doesn't come naturally. If communication and conflict resolution are shortcomings in your relationship, have the courage to get help. Professional counseling may be just what the two of you need to build healthier communication patterns and make your relationship work.
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