How to Be in Control

Controlling an Immediate Situation

Calm yourself in the moment. If you are upset and you start losing control of your behavior, quickly take steps to master yourself. Pick a few ways to calm down and practice them when you're by yourself. That way, you'll know exactly what to do in a critical moment. Take a deep breath and slowly exhale. Wait before speaking or moving—consider counting to ten. Say your own name, aloud or in your head. If your name is Sean, you might say "Sean, calm down."

Take stock of what needs to be done. Form a quick plan to address it. Don’t get distracted by details or by your emotional reaction. Think of what needs to be done and sketch an immediate game plan. By yourself, this will help you feel in control and capable of facing the situation. In a group situation, if you are the first one to propose a plan everyone else will generally follow your lead. For instance, say your team is planning an outdoor picnic for work and everyone is assuming that the team's only female member will do all the event planning, even though she did it last time. Calm down, then think "I need to intervene before Sarah gets stuck doing all the work. I also need to not offend my coworkers, who tend to retaliate when they are called out for sexism. I can start by volunteering myself, and then try to get others to volunteer for tasks."

Lead others. When something needs to be planned, or when immediate action is needed, step up. Tell yourself, "I can do this." Think of the things you can immediately control. For instance, if you need to plan an outdoors event, you can't control the weather, but you can control the location and the date. If you are the person most capable of leading others through a situation, speak up. Assert your authority. Speak audibly and clearly, and explain why you are the person who can best handle the situation. You might say, "I would be happy to oversee the planning of this event. I worked for an event planner for two years and I learned the basics. I also know this area well." Delegate. Ask others to take on tasks that they are well equipped to handle. For instance, if Andre knows the most about local restaurants, ask him to arrange the catering. If you are in a shared situation and do not believe you are the one who can best lead others through it, call on the person you think is most capable.

Mastering Your Emotions

Feel what you are feeling. Welcome your emotions and learn to recognize and accept them. If you try to repress your feelings, you won't control them. They'll control you. Get into the habit of writing through your feelings in a journal. You can analyze what is leading to what feeling, and you can also make a log to keep track of triggers. If you know what your triggers are for specific emotions, then you can do things to limit or avoid your triggers. Suppressing your feelings can give you health problems like insomnia, chronic pain, and heart disease.

Name your recurring bad thoughts. If you have insecurities, painful memories, or angry responses that come to you frequently, it might help to give them a name. For instance, if you always feel angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, name that feeling "The Got-Cut-Off-In-Traffic-Feeling." When the feeling or thought is triggered, greet it by name. "Oh, it's the got-cut-off-in-traffic-feeling again." This will help you take some distance and prevent the bad thought from taking over.

Let go of anger, grudges, and resentment. Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgiveness can lead to empathy and compassion for those who have betrayed you. It will make you calm and in control. If you want, contact people you are still in touch with and let them know that you have let go of your anger. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you condone bad acts—it just means that you release the negative feelings associated with those acts.

Speak to a therapist. To learn to master your emotions, get a good therapist. Talk through how you feel on a weekly or bimonthly basis. Therapy will help you recognize your emotional patterns, and learn to respond wisely. If you have anger issues, consider taking anger management classes or joining an anger management group.

Directing Your Life

Take stock of what's wrong. What is making you feel helpless or out of control? Is it money problems, addiction issues, family relationships, or problems at work? Make a list of everything that is draining your energy or making you feel uneasy. If you are having trouble, try freewriting. Set a timer and write quickly without stopping. Pull things from your freewrite to make your list. Be honest, and be specific. For instance, if you are writing about things that make you feel bad and you write about something in your relationship, even if you are generally happy with your relationship, put that thing on the list. If you are still having trouble taking stock of what is wrong, then talking about it with someone you trust can also be helpful. Someone who knows you well may be able to offer valuable insight that you might not consider.

Set goals. Think of the things you would like to accomplish, things that would fix your problems or give you greater success. Think of how you can achieve each goal, and how much time each will take. Break the process of achieving your goals into steps, and set a schedule by which each will be achieved. Go over the list of things that make you feel out of control. For everything that is truly bothering you, make a goal to fix it.

Set yourself up for success with mental contrasting. To mentally contrast, foresee obstacles and plot ways around them. List what might go wrong, then take a few minutes to plan a possible response that will help you solve each problem.

Set boundaries with others. Advocate for your needs, and don't accept abuse from others. Respect the boundaries others set for you. Even mutually supportive relationships need good boundaries.

Watch for emotional manipulation. If someone is manipulating you, then they may say and do certain things to gain an advantage. This may include allowing you to speak first and then using this information to find your strengths and weaknesses, throwing lots of facts and statistics at you to overcome your points, raising their voice at you, demanding a split decision, judging or criticizing you, refusing to speak at all, feigning ignorance, and playing the victim.

Take care of your physical health. Sleep around eight hours a night, eat at least three meals a day, and get some exercise every day. If you aren't taking care of your body, you can't be in control of your life.