Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Have an open conversation with your new partner. Remarrying doesn’t mean forgetting. Falling in love with someone after your spouse dies doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten your spouse or have entirely moved on. All it means is that you’ve fallen in love with someone else. You’ll likely still think of your former spouse and miss them, and that’s perfectly normal. Just make sure your new spouse understands. Talk to your current or future spouse about your feelings. You could say, “I love you very much, but there is a piece of my heart that will always belong to my former partner. This doesn’t take away from how much I love you, but I just wanted you to know that there are times when I miss them.” Getting this out in the open before you get married could prevent arguments and misunderstandings. Your new partner’s reaction may also show if you should marry them or not.
Keep your partner clued into your emotional state. Grief is not time-limited. It's highly likely that you will continue to grieve for your first spouse even after remarrying. You can diffuse tension and maintain greater harmony in your new marriage by regularly opening up to your spouse about what you're feeling. You might say, "I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I do. It's like I'm here happy and he's dead. That's why I pull away from you sometimes. I want you to know that so we can work through these feelings."
Understand that you are not being disloyal to your late spouse. There may be a chance that you and your late spouse would still be married if they had not passed away. However, life handed you that card and it’s important for you to be happy. After all, your former spouse likely wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life. Marrying someone else is in no way dishonoring your late spouse; in fact, you’re likely doing exactly what they would want you to do. If your family or friends are giving you a hard time about moving on, explain to them that you are doing what you need to do to be happy. You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that I am not honoring my late spouse by marrying again. However, there is no one right way to grieve, and I am doing the best I can to be happy at this point in my life and remarrying will do that. I hope you understand and will support me.” Letting your family know that you will not tolerate them treating you badly because of this may stop them from negatively affecting your future marriage. Be sure to express this early to help prevent it from becoming a problem.
Consider the feelings of your future spouse if they are also widowed. You may feel that you have moved on from your late spouse, but your current or future one may have healed a little differently than you. They may still have pictures of their former partner in their home or may talk about them more than you feel comfortable with. Just because you don’t do these things doesn’t mean it is wrong that they do. If you aren’t happy with the situation, talk to them about it. For example, you could say, “I love you very much and I know how much your late spouse meant to you. I think it’s great you uphold their memory, but the way you go about it makes me uncomfortable.” You may be able to come up with a compromise that allows the both of you to feel comfortable.
See a professional counselor. To ensure that you have fully moved through the grieving process, and won’t carry forward residual guilt or confusion that affects your next marriage, see a bereavement counselor. It can be helpful to talk to someone who is unbiased and will listen to your concerns about getting remarried after losing a spouse. In addition, seeing a counselor together before your new marriage may help both you and your new spouse come to terms with this new chapter of life and deal with the expectations of children or other relatives.
Allowing Yourself to Be Happy Again
Do what feels right for you. The popular saying “You can’t please everyone” is popular because it’s true. Your friends and family may not be ready for you to marry, or even date, again. However, the good news is you are an adult who is capable of making your own decisions. You are responsible for your happiness and if you let others’ opinions affect you, you may sabotage your relationship. Keep in mind that it is typical for people to remarry after losing a spouse, but children will not want to replace their parent. Your experience and your children's experiences will likely be different in this way.
Take it easy on yourself. You’ve undergone a major loss and now you are entering new territory. Chances are, you may not have it all figured out and you may have lots of questions regarding this new marriage. For instance, you may wonder if should you buy a new home instead of living in the one you shared with your late spouse, if you should stop wearing your old wedding ring when you get a new one, if you should get new furniture, and so on. Instead of trying to live up to others’ expectations or attempting to remarry after you become widowed in the “right” way, do what you and your new spouse feel comfortable with. Don’t be hard on yourself about this new chapter in your life and your marriage will likely be happy and healthy because of it. Take the time that you need and avoid rushing through this process.
Avoid making comparisons between spouses. You likely don’t want your new spouse to compare you to their former spouse, so try not to compare them to your late partner. Additionally, avoid comparing yourself to their late spouse, as well. Doing so will just add unrealistic expectations to the marriage and may put unneeded pressure on your relationship. Instead, just be yourself and allow your partner to be themselves, as well. If you believe your new spouse is comparing you to their late spouse, be open about how you feel. For instance, tell them, “I feel as though you compare me to your late spouse and I am not comfortable with that. It’s not fair to me, you, or our relationship.” Your spouse may not even realize what they are doing and may change their ways after you express your concern about it.
Taking the Children into Consideration
Talk to younger children about your intentions. Young children don’t fully understand the concept of remarrying after their parent dies. They often fear that the new spouse will try to take the place of their late parent, or even them. Explain to them that you will always love their parent and you will also love them, too, no matter what. Taking your child to see a therapist if they are upset about your remarrying may help them become more comfortable with the situation. The therapist may be able to offer different words than you that can help your child understand that they, and their parent, aren’t being replaced. Keep in mind that all children will respond differently. They may warm up to your new spouse right away or they may need time to adjust and work through their feelings.
Realize older children may be against your new marriage. Your older children may be more vocal about not wanting you to remarry. They may not like the new spouse, or they also may feel that you haven’t grieved their parent long enough. However, it is important to not let their opinions prevent you from being happy. Although this may be difficult at first, it’s what you’ll need to do to keep your marriage healthy. Tell your older children, “I understand you do not want me to remarry. However, I am in love and doing this will make me happy. You are entitled to your own opinion, but please do not disrespect me, my spouse, or our marriage.” If they continue to act negatively towards your union, you may need to distance yourself from them until they are able to move on. This may only be a short-term behavior and they may come around if you hold your position.
Consider the feelings of your new spouse’s children. Your current or future spouse may also have children who might not feel comfortable about this marriage. To prevent this from affecting your marriage as little as possible, you’ll need to talk to them and your spouse about your relationship. Staying respectful and patient is the best way to help your relationship grow. For instance, you can tell your new spouse, “I do not want to come between you and your children. However, I know that they are against our marriage. Please tell me what I can do to stop this from hurting our marriage and to make everyone comfortable.” You must also tell your spouse that you expect them to defend you and not put up with any disrespectful behavior or words from their children.
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